Happy Halloween!

A cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single, and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

In Trade Show Hell

Apologies Dear People!

I've been in trade show hell for a full seven days now. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

What's worse - for the first two days I was working the booth with a woman who wouldn't stop rocking back and forth. I mean WHAT?? STOP ROCKING!!!
And...as if that wasn't enough, every time she wanted to make a point, which was often, she'd stop rocking for a brief second, stare at men, and then stick her tongue into the side of her cheek.
Talk about weird.

rock...
rock..
tongue sticking into side of cheeck.

I think that's weird.

I have three more days of this, and then I get to get home.

Deep Thoughts.

The Antithesis of Suave.

Just when you think dating couldn't get any worse, someone like "Jeff" appears.

Last week, a firm had a large party. Clients, area leaders, etc were all present.

The next day, the following email went out (names have been changed to protect the innocent)

-----Original Message-----
Guys,

The e-mail below was sent to our receptionist “ajohnson@...” this morning after XYZ Party. The only problem is that, after a lot of internal sleuthing, it was really meant to go to the assistant curator, who is also an “ajohnson”- except that she doesn’t work here. Here is the kicker: The same fellow sent the same admiring e-mail to our Marketing Manager, Jennifer, only he changed the outfit!

This has provided a lot of entertainment here in our office!!! Now we are trying to narrow down out invite list to figure out who our “Jeff” is!

-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxx
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 12:58 PM
To: zz OfficeSubject:
FW: XYZ Party

This email was in my inbox, I have absolutely no idea who Adrienne or Jeff is…

Jane Doe
Front Desk Manager

Some Firm
ajohnson@somefirm.com

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff [mailto:originalniceguy@xxx.com]
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 9:11 AM
To: ajohnson
Subject: XYZ Party

Adriene

I briefly met you at XYZ Party last night, but was pulled away by my friends before I could really chat with you, but I thought you looked amazing. So beautiful and sexy at the same time with a wonderful smile and great personality. Looked incredible in that rust colored dress. You probably don't remember me - I am tall blond blue eyed atheltic and into Art and Music. I am in the industry. I'd love to take you out for a drink sometime so we can chat.

What do you say?

Jeff
______________________________________

Jennifer

I briefly met you at XYZ Party last night, but was pulled away by my friends before I could really chat with you, but I thought you looked amazing. So beautiful and sexy at the same time with a wonderful smile and great personality. Looked incredible in that pink top, short skirt and knee high socks - wow. You probably don't remember me - I am tall blond blue eyed atheltic and into Art and Music. I am in the industry. I'd love to take you out for a drink sometime so we can chat.

What do you say?

Jeff

You Know You're in the Right Industry When...

Sent by an alert Bain consultant:

(this actually happened)

"You know you are in the right industry when.....

your boss sends an e-mail apologizing for not giving you ENOUGH work"

Listserv Randomness

Firmwide Email Sent from Senior VP:

Does anyone here have any experience with the Japanese / Chinese board game called “GO”?

No context, no explanation. That was it.

Deliverable Madness

Erase that and you're DEAD.

Sent by an alert Consultant in Chicago:

courtesy of The Onion.

Alexander Hamilton & Organizational Design

Yesterday I’m at my first engagement kickoff in a room with a firm partner, VPs and Managers.
They all have MBAs from Wharton and Georgetown.
I have a mini-MBA diploma photocopied from the back of my 10 Day MBA book.
(a.k.a. I have no idea what’s going on).

At one point, I was confused about the difference between a centralized and a decentralized organization. Apparently my confusion was obvious by my face, and a Level 4 noticed.

Level 4: You look confused. You studied political science, right?

Me: Yes…

Level 4: Centralized organizations are like Alexander Hamilton and the Federalists. Decentralized organizations are like Thomas Jefferson and Republicanism.

.

For Visual Learners:

(Centralized Organization)

(Decentralized Organization)

The sad thing is once he said, that I understood.

Procrastination is a Beautiful Thing.

Want to Feel Old?

Baby Jessica fell down into that well 20 years ago this week.

She's now married.

She has a kid.

Man oh man.

I can feel myself aging.

Consulting Horror Stories: Part Deux, The Supervisor

Story 2: The Supervisor

Background: The story you are about to read is real. Only the names have been changed; to protect the innocent, er..um, the guilty. The scene is 2001 and this consultant has been working on four projects simultaneously. Stressed, this consultant decides upon a vacation. Concerned about the week ahead, consultant works furiously to do additional work before leaving on vacation.

Setting: My Office, Supervisor Office, 2001

Participants: Me, Supervisor

Monday Morning:

Me: Supervisor, I’d like to take a week vacation.

Supervisor: Sounds good, go ahead!!

Tuesday – Friday : (Me works crazy hours on four projects to ensure all work is completed prior to departure. Spends in excess of 12 hours / day during week to complete documents and meet with developers so no ambiguity exists and that Me isn’t the stove pipe in the system)

Vacation Week: Enjoys week off knowing that all work has been done and that Me is not going to be the person who leaves work undone in an absence and causes issues to people doing their work. For Me’s first “real job”, Me is feeling responsible, important and needed and overall mature.

Week Following Vacation: After taking time off, Me returns to work eager to see how Me’s efforts have helped the team even in Me’s absence. Me gets into office early, checks emails, follows up with developers and catches up on work. Me has been in the office since 7:00am.

8:00pm:

Me: (walks to Supervisor’s office. Knocks on open door) Supervisor?

Supervisor: Yes.

Me: Do you have a moment?

Supervisor: (sighs) Yes.

Me: With me being gone all last week I wanted to see how I did in preparing for being out of the office. I did a lot of extra work to ensure that I wasn’t a roadblock to the project and wanted to make sure that I did not cause any issues b/c of the work I did or that I was gone and didn’t provide anyone with what they needed.

Supervisor: You know, we don’t need you.

Me: um…What?

Supervisor: We don’t need you.

Me: (confused) umm..all I wanted to do was to make sure I didn’t do anything that caused any issues to anyone.

Supervisor: We don’t need you.

Me:(bewildered and crushed, walks out of supervisor’s office and goes home. Questions existence, importance to group and company and overall self worth)

The End.

The Proverbial Work-Life Balance.

Sent by an alert consultant in London:

It's Only Tuesday.

It's Only Tuesday

WASHINGTON, DC—Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from Monday's nightmarish slog, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going to end.

The Unfolding Mug Saga

The following email was sent out to a consulting firm’s entire listserv with a Red Exclamation Point denoting its High Priority. (Not joking.)

Addressed to the firm/unknown mug thief:

“You were clever enough to leave my mug out in the kitchen unbeknownst to me and then retrieve it back to the hideout just before I learned of its whereabouts. You win. You are one step ahead of me. Now, please return it. I am no match for you.
My mug is white, has my last name on it and was a recent family gift.”

Naturally, one cannot sit idly by while such mug thievery occurs in broad daylight IN ONE'S WORKPLACE! As a Good Samaritan, I have done my part to help curb these kinds of atrocities through poster below, which I've put up around the office.

Note: Names and identifying traits have been changed to protect the Mug-less.

UPDATE (10/25/07): The mug has been found and returned to its rightful owner.

Attention All Crackberry Addicts!

Sent by an alert Booz Allen Consultant based in Washington D.C:

Best quote: "I am one with my BlackBerry."
_____________________________________________
From the Associated Press

Phantom vibrations shake 'crackberry' addicts

NEW YORK (AP) -- If your hipbone is connected to your BlackBerry or your thighbone is connected to your cell phone, those vibrations you're feeling in the car, in your pajamas, in the shower, may be coming from your headbone.

Cell phone users are reporting feeling vibrations even when their phones aren't ringing.

Many mobile phone addicts and BlackBerry junkies report feeling vibrations when there are none, or feeling as if they're wearing a cell phone when they're not.

The first time it happened to Jonathan Zaback, a manager at the public relations company Burson-Marsteller, he was out with friends and showing off his new BlackBerry Curve.

"While they were looking at it, I felt this vibration on my side. I reached down to grab it and realized there was no BlackBerry there."

Zaback, who said he keeps his BlackBerry by his bed while he sleeps, checks it if he gets up in the middle of the night and wakes to an alarm on the BlackBerry each day, said this didn't worry him.

"As long as it doesn't mean a tumor is growing on my leg because of my BlackBerry, I'm fine with it," he said. "Some people have biological clocks, I might have a biological BlackBerry."

Some users compare the feeling to a phantom limb, which Merriam-Webster's medical dictionary defines as "an often painful sensation of the presence of a limb that has been amputated."

"Even when I don't have the BlackBerry physically on my person, I do find myself adjusting my posture when I sit to accommodate it," said Dawn Mena, an independent technology consultant based in Thousand Oaks, California. "I also laugh at myself as I reach to unclip it (I swear it's there) and find out I don't even have it on."

Research in the area is scant, but theories abound about the phenomenon, which has been termed "ringxiety" or "fauxcellarm."

Anecdotal evidence suggests "people feel the phone is part of them" and "they're not whole" without their phones, since the phones connect them to the world, said B.J. Fogg, director of research and design at Stanford University's Persuasive Technology Lab.

"As human beings, we're so tapped into our community, responsiveness to what's going on, we're so attuned to the threat of isolation and rejection, we'd rather make a mistake than miss a call," he said. "Our brain is going to be scanning and scanning and scanning to see if we have to respond socially to someone."

In certain circles, phantom vibrations are a point of pride.

"Of course I get them," said Fred Wilson, a managing partner of Union Square Ventures, an early-stage venture capital firm based in New York. "I've been getting them for over 10 years since I started with the pager-style BlackBerry."

For others, it's one more tech irritation.

Jeff Posner, president and owner of e-ventsreg.com in New Jersey, which allows users to register and check in for trade shows and other events, stopped wearing his BlackBerry on his belt because of regular false alarms. He put it in the chest pocket of his shirt but found that was worse, because now his phone dials automatically, which has created a new annoyance: It always calls the same person, he said.

"Phones have favorite friends," he said. "It's like your phones have a thing for each other. Of course, it's a female friend, so my wife is like, 'You're calling her all the time."'

Complicating things further, his own phone is his sales manager's favorite friend.

"Her phone calls me all the time," he said. "I'll get a call and hear whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. It's her, walking."

"Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams wrote on his blog, dilbert.org, that he feels the phantom vibrations, "about 10 times per day" and thinks "'Ooh, it's an e-mail with good news!' So far, the only good news is that my pocket is vibrating, and that's OK because it gives me hope that the condition might spread to the rest of my pants."

Jake Ward, a former press secretary for Sen. Olympia Snowe and current director of Qorvis Communications Inc., a public relations company in Washington, D.C., said he switched his BlackBerry from his hip to his jacket pocket six months ago, but still feels it there.

"Aftershocks," he said.

He also claims to "pre-feel" a new message or call. "I'll feel it, look at it. It's not vibrating. Then it starts vibrating," he said. "I am one with my BlackBerry."

For some, it's a matter of projecting hope onto their wireless device. Don Katz said he came out of retirement to work as director of wireline product management at SpinVox Inc. because he was so impressed with the company's voicemail product. He worked on its recent launch at SaskTel, the telecom company in Saskatchewan, Canada. That may be why, on a recent train trip to New York, he kept checking his phone, because he said he was sure it was vibrating.

"It's like, my phone should be ringing," he said. "It's anticipatory vibrations."

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press.

Tragedy.

Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair

WILMETTE, IL—The impact of Fahey's employment was so crushing that it has since left the former high school track star paralyzed in front of his work computer.

Are YOU An Idiot?

I definitely am.
This took me wayyy too long.
THE TRICK IS TO FIND THE MAN IN THE COFFEE BEANS: It's bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, why didn't I see him immediately?

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger.

And, yes, the man is really there.

I'm a Rock Star....or just Insane. And this hotel doesn't have wireless.

I’m officially insane.

Not that there was really any doubt before, but here’s a story that basically tells you what a maniac I am. Or…as I like to think of it…more how die-hard, dedicated and just generally cool this crazy consultant is. So cool, in fact, that I get to end sentences with “is.”

Yesterday, at approximately 3pm, I was put under anesthesia. I had this medical procedure that I needed to have done (I’ll let your imaginations run wild with that one), and they knocked me out for it. Two and a half hours later, I came around. Ridiculously drugged, my wonderful friend took me home. I was in bed asleep from all the drugs within an hour.

Now…for planning purposes…of course I had to know how long this was going to “put me out.” The doctor guessed that the anesthesia should only last for about 10-12 hours. That meant that I should have been FINE sometime between 1:00am and 3:00am.
He just suggested that I not do anything stressful for awhile.
Great.
Playing it “safe,” the alarm went off at 4:00am this morning. I had to catch my 6:00am flight for Chicago. Gotta be there for campus recruiting!
God forbid I should leave any room for error.

Interviews started at 9am sharp.

Now, for someone who was under anesthesia less than 24 hours before, I think that’s pretty damn good. I showed up EARLY. (oh…and I forgot to mention…I showed up early in a really cool Jeep Wrangler with a soft top, decked out with satellite radio, since I’m just that cool – a 5-star Gold Club Hertz member (translation: I have no life)).

Yeah. So I did 8 interviews. They were great, too! Great candidates.

Now I’m back at the hotel.
I’m sitting in the hotel bar, and they don’t have wireless.
What is that about?
At $250/night, wireless shouldn’t be that hard.
So…I’m sitting here, sipping a glass of Estancia, eating some sort of standard hotel salad involving mysterious meat, dried cranberries and candied pecans, watching football on 12 different screens and listening to ‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ on the “Excessively Loud for the Bar” sound setting. Does that make me sound old or what?
God forbid anyone in here should be able to hear himself think, let alone talk to anyone else. I’m convinced that loud bar music is a covert government operation designed to make people with no life and sitting alone in hotel bars feel good about rationalizing why they’re not talking to anyone.

It’s a conspiracy I tell you!
Who plays ‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ anymore, anyway?
And 12 screens? Think of it this way: when there are ads…that’s 12 visuals of Tommy Lasorda talking about the Slim Fast diet. That’s an unfortunate 12 visuals.

Regardless, I’m just going to keep sipping my Estancia, feeling cool.
Dammit, I was under anesthesia yesterday. I rock.

Let’s not mention the fact that, if I was REALLY that cool, I’d be able to figure out how to use my crackberry as a laptop wireless connection.
Yeah…negative.

We won’t think about that.

Right now I’m just going to keep feeling good. So good, in fact – that I deserve a treat.
I’m going to see what the concierge lounge has to offer.
I got gypped on the candied pecans in this salad, anyway.
I only got two.
I expect at least four in a hotel salad.
There should be rules.

Work vs. Prison?

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

@WORK
you spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office

@ PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for

@ WORK
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON
You get time off for good behavior

@WORK
you get more work for good behavior

@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ WORK
You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games

@ WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON
You get your own toilet

@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit

@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

@ WORK
You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

@WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK
They are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Intellectual Capital (IC) Theivery

Mission: Create a usable Change Request process and corresponding Change Request form

Complicating Factors:

• Clients aren't interesting in using a formal Change Request process and mock Change Request form development openly and loudly
• Someone (another consultant) has already designed a very crappy Change Request form that is flagrantly masquerading as "the norm"

Process: Design a Change Request process flow that makes sense, vet it via use cases to see if it really makes sense, then figure out what elements will be needed on the new Change Reequest form

Interesting Discovery: While designing said form, googled "Change Request form" only to discover existing crappy Change Request form as top search result even using the same icky maroon color scheme! Flagrant theivery of IC from Google. Damn consultants...There should be rules. Or should there? :)

Redisorganization Artlce

Background: We are sick and tired of being redisorganized.
Objective: To systematically review the empirical evidence for organizational theories and repeated reorganizations.
Methods: We did not find anything worth reading, other than Dilbert, so we fantasized. Unfortunately, our fantasies may well resemble many people's realities. We are sorry about this, but it is not our fault.
Results: We discovered many reasons for repeated reorganizations, the most common being ‘no good reason’. We estimated that trillions of dollars are being spent on strategic and organizational planning activities each year, thus providing lots of good reasons for hundreds of thousands of people, including us, to get into the business. New leaders who are intoxicated with the prospect of change further fuel perpetual cycles of redisorganization. We identified eight indicators of successful redisorganizations, including large consultancy fees paid to friends and relatives.
Conclusions: We propose the establishment of ethics committees to review all future redisorganization proposals in order to put a stop to uncontrolled, unplanned experimentation inflicted on providers and users of the health services.

See full article: www.jrsm.org/cgi/content/full/98/12/563

New Addition to the Consultantese Dictionary

Sent to us by an alert consultant in Washington DC:

The new term is:

"ORGANIC GROWTH"

Does anyone know what the heck this actually means?

People are apparently using it left and right.

Makes me think of some sort of parasitic tumor, or maybe a weed.

Billability - An Engineering Perspective

You Know You're a Consultant When...

Sent by a consultant based in New York City:

My favorite recent experiences actually have nothing to do with clients or co-workers, rather with my fiancee's family's reactions to my vocation.
Guess it just doesn't translate! Case(s) in point:

Episode 1:

Fiancee's Aunt: "What does your fiance do for a living again?"

Fiancee's Mom: "He's a strategic (sic) consultant."

Fiancee's Aunt: "Consultant...(pause)...huh...(pause)...does that mean he's unemployed?"


Eposide 2:

Fiancee: "My fiance found out today that he's going to be staffed on a project in Australia."

Fiancee's Sister: "Wow. That's exciting. When does he leave?"

Fiancee: "Tomorrow afternoon."

Fiancee's Sister: "You're kidding! You'd think with a trip like that they'd give him a little bit of advance notice."

Fiancee: "That is advanced notice."

Faulty Logic

The following conversation took place at 2:23pm this afternoon.

Setting (in the interest of providing a visual):

I am sitting at my desk in cube I share with another consultant. Two computers are in front of me - my laptop and my client desktop. Why? Because I'm "not allowed to access the firm's network on the client desktop, but I AM allowed to access it on a laptop if I bring the laptop from home." That's faulty logic piece #1. The 20-year-old A/C window box unit is running - so loudly that anyone I talk to on the phone thinks I'm in a wind tunnel. Not the mention the fact that the A/C is surely spraying deadly 20-year-old bacteria in my face. Makes me think that will one day I'll die of a mysterious disease that will be cause for a comeback of the X-Files. The office generally smells of cockroach and old carpet mixed with burnt coffee and client's daily bag of excessively buttered microwave popcorn. All other consultants are out of the office today.

Client walks in.

Client: Hey - yeah - why don't you go ahead and get out of here.

Me: Wait - what? Are you leaving?

Client: Oh no - I'm not.

Me: So...then...why do you want me to leave?

Client: Well - you know - Monday is Columbus Day (enter faulty logic piece #2).

Me: Riiiight. Okay. But wait - isn't today Friday?

Client: Yup.

Me: (Confused) Okay...so...we're all just leaving early?

Client: Well I'm not. But you can, mmm kay?

Me: Kay. I think I'm going to go ahead and finish what I'm working on, and then maybe I'll leave. I mean it's only 2:25.

Client: Okay. Whatever. Later.

One Hour Later... I wandered down to the client's office to see what he was up to - if there was anything else I could do to help him out, etc.

He was gone. Lights were out.

I went down the hall, and the rest of the client office was dark and LOCKED UP.

After all ... Monday IS Columbus Day.

I left at 3:46.

I swear I'm living in the Bizarro world.

People Who Could Really Use A Consultant...

Today's People: The Engaged
Reason: For Not Thinking Before Getting Engaged .

Let's hope they don't hyphenate their name(s).

Corporate Communications at it's Finest

The following email recently went out on the client site to the entire office:

"Do you like it hot and sticky?
If so, there is warm cake in 1221. Get some before it's all gone!"

Um...
Ahem...

Does anyone else see something seriously wrong with this?

This Really Appeared on Craig's List

No - I am not making this up.
This entry appeared on Craig's list last week in the greater NYC Metropolitan area.

The best part is the response. Honestly - if I could figure out who this guy is I'd want to recruit him. He'd make a GREAT consultant!

Subject: What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York, but live in the City. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives that could send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Consulting Horror Stories

In honor of Consulting Horror Stories, I am beginning a series of posts about experiences with bosses, clients, co-workers or whatever. Since these stories are real and have all happened to me, so please, do me a HUGE favor, post back your stories and keep this from being “about me” :-) .

Thanks!

Story 1: The Project Manager

Background: The story you are about to read is real. Only the names have been changed; to protect the innocent, er..um, the guilty. The scene is 2001 and this consultant has been working on a project partnered with an outside consulting firm. “The Firm”, is the prime on the contract.

Setting: Office, Car, Parking Lot

Participants: Me, Project Manager (PM), Voice on Phone, Boss

7:00 am

PM: We have a meeting at the client site at 1:00pm. I expect you to be there by 10:00am.

Me: 10:00am?

PM: 10:00am.

Me: um…ok.

8:30 am

Me: (picks up phone) Hello?

Voice: Hello, I have received your messages and am calling back in response.

Me: (excited tone) Ok, hold on, this is perfect you called me this morning, we are meeting with the client and this material will be a surprise for the client since they didn’t expect to get this data for another 4 weeks.

9:30 am

Me: (finishing up document) Ok, great, thanks for the call back, do you mind if I call you in the future in case anything additional comes up? (Pushes “Print”)

Voice: No problem, glad I could help. And yes, please let me know if there is anything else I can help with.

Me: Thanks, have a great day!

Me:

10:05am

Me: PM? It’s me, I’m running a bit late and will be there by 10:15.

10:15am

Me: Hello.

PM: WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Me: I was running late, I called and left a message.

PM: I TOLD YOU TO BE HERE BY 10:00AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I received a phone call related to this meeting and compiled the notes and data into a document so we can discuss the matter at hand with more information than we previously knew.
PM: YOU LISTEN TO ME!! WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING, DO IT!! I DON’T WANT ANY QUESITON, COMMENTS OR ANYTHING ELSE GET IT? I SAID BE HERE BY 10:00, YOU’VE LEFT ME HERE FOR 15 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: LISTEN!! I’VE BEEN WORKING ON YOUR BEHALF IN PREPARATION FOR THIS MEETING. IF YOU WANT ME TO DROP EVERYTHING TO BE THREE HOURS EARLY (3 HOURS!!!) FOR A MEETING FINE. BUT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE WILL BE THINGS I CANNOT DO AND CANNOT HELP.

PM: THAT IS FINE WITH ME

3:00PM

Boss: Me? Please come to my office.

Me: Um, ok

Boss: Sit down and close the door.

Boss: PM tells me that you’re chronically late and its beginning to be a problem.

Me: Let me ask you a question. Do you think it is a big deal being 2:45
minutes early for a meeting instead of being 3 hours early?

Boss: Um, no.

Me: Thanks, Me neither. (gets up and leaves)

The End.

When the FIRM IGTM (Isn't Getting the Message)

Paraphrased conversation which took place recently between the FIRM and one of its disgruntled associates when told to be in an "inspirational corporate video:"

FIRM: Please share with us what you think about "the Spirit of the FIRM."

ASSOCIATE: Not sure I can do that.

FIRM: When did you join the FIRM? And what do you do in your “day job?”

ASSOCIATE: Hmmm... Too long ago and hate my life.

FIRM: Please describe the culture of the FIRM and why its people so eager to get involved with the community—above and beyond their formal jobs?"

ASSOCIATE: No

FIRM: When you think about the “power of the FIRM,” what comes to mind?"

ASSOCIATE: I don't think about it. Listen, can I not do this? I've had a death in the family.

FIRM: That's fine - can you do this interview three days from now, on Sunday?

ASSOCIATE: What, does another family member have to die? No!

FIRM: What do you think of the firm?"

ASSOCIATE: I try not to.

FIRM: Really, why is that?

ASSOCIATE: I'm too busy applying for other jobs.

FIRM: At the firm of course...

ASSOCIATE: Of course...

:)

Where Have All The Heroes Gone?

A New Foreign Correspondent:

Apparently, Mr. John Rambo, Green Beret and Vietnam Veteran, aka Sylvester Stallone, has been the on-site reporter for the on going atrocities in Myanmar. He has personally reported seeing “unspeakable atrocities”.

So, Mr. Rambo, did you do nothing? For decades the name, “Rambo” has been associated, nay, defined by an uncompromising wild, anti-establishment spirit, one that is both reckless in its violent abandon as much as it is emotional in its final, decisive, victory.

If Rambo had business cards, I have no doubt they would kick your ass just sitting on your desk. I can imagine it now:

John Rambo
Taking Care of Corrupt Police Departments Run and Fighting as the Underdog Facing Insurmountable Odds in the Cold War
Fighting the Good Fight Since 1982

Perhaps it is ignorant to inquire, but why exactly is John Rambo, the underdog, the savior of innocent women and children, who is characterized by wading knee deep in blood and gore, standing by reporting while witnessing these atrocities and doing nothing?

Why, I ask, did Mr. Rambo not wade across the river and work a little of his whoop ass magic like he did in Rambo 1, 2 AND 3? Not enough performance enhancing substances?

One would think that “First Blood” would’ve given Mr. Rambo a chance to learn how to fight the good fight. Let’s say, he was a slow learner (maybe a little too much Rocky Balboa and not enough Marion Cobretti?), and therefore needed two additional training films.

Is not three movies where blood, guts and gore flow freely not enough training for Mr. Rambo?

Perhaps at the age “61” he has taken the famous Danny Glover line of “I’m getting too old for this s**t” and made it his mantra.

Has his old age lessened his edge? Perhaps this latest movie he is filming should be titles:

“John Rambo: Have Walker, Will Travel (slowly)”
Or
“Rambo 6: Wading Across the River Salween…For a Story”
Or even
“John Rambo, Not as Good Looking as Christiana Amanpour"

Maybe, instead of wielding the sword he has opted for a pen, pocket pad and a typewriter. And perhaps, more appropriately, his new movies will be more editorial in subject matter.

Afterall, isn’t the “Pen Mightier than the Sword”?

People Who Could Really Use a Consultant...

Today's Person: Jorinda Sullivan
REASON: She Lost her Job Because She Wore too Much Perfume

LOST JOB 'OVER MY PERFUME'

October 1, 2007 -- She wore too much Red Door, so they showed her the door.

That's the claim of a Brooklyn woman who says she was fired as a customer-service rep because she wore too much perfume.

Jorinda Sullivan, 24, of Canarsie is suing her former employer, Mindpearl, a customer-service center in Melville, L.I., for $1 million in Brooklyn federal court, claiming that co-workers' complaints about her perfume morphed into thinly veiled racial discrimination.

After complaints about one perfume, Sullivan switched to Elizabeth Arden's signature Red Door - but said she was soon hauled back into the supervisor's office for the same reason.

Later, she was allegedly attacked over her personal hygiene and asked what soap, shampoo and deodorant she used.

At that point, she decided she was being harassed because she is black and complained to the state Division of Human Rights and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

In February, she was fired because, her boss said, she'd been the subject of three customer complaints the previous week.

Vincent Gaines, chairman and CEO of Mindpearl, said, "The company denies any wrongdoing and intends to continue to vigorously contest her claims."

From the New York Post

Didn't we learn on the first day of Business School that one should NEVER wear perfume to work? A good consultant should have informed Jorinda.

We are trying to live in a society here, people!

Scrabble: Are Consultants Smart Enough to Play?

The Saga of the Client Site Bathroom Continues...

Since it has been nearly a week since the cockroach-tapping bathroom incident, my confidence in using the client site bathroom has increased.
I should know better.
This is the same logic that we use right after we get a speeding ticket. We've just had our hand slapped, so we drive 10 miles an hour on the freeway for approximately three days, until somehow we feel we've "Done our due diligence," and we can now go back to our normal, illegal, speeding ways.

Such is with the client site bathroom.
A week ago, I was afraid.
Today, I went back.
Not smart.

I walked in, found a stall, did a quick cockroach scan, and felt okay. I had the bathroom to myself. Nice. When alone, there is no Larry Craig fear.
Someone else wandered in just as I was leaving the stall. She took the other stall.
All was well.
With one exception.
She didn't shut the stall door.
It's not like the latch on the door was broken, either. I monitor this stuff.
Nope - working door latch.
She just apparently wanted everyone to be able to see her.

Now, as a relatively civilized person, I had a moment of panic over this.
As I spent much of my time thinking when I'm in this particular bathroom,
'what does one do in this situation?'
What's protocol?

I tried to think WWMD? What Would Macgyver Do?
MacGyver would burst in and shut the door for her.
I'm just not that cool.

That said,
WE ARE TRYING TO LIVE IN A SOCIETY HERE, PEOPLE.
There are rules that must be followed.
When you're in a bathroom stall, close and lock the stall door.
When the latch is broken, give it a college try to keep the door closed.
Don't just 'give up' and force the other members of civilization to have to deal with you.

I washed my hands (as one should ALWAYS DO), and ran out of the bathroom.

I hate that bathroom.
I'm going back to using the Starbucks one.