Flaky Clients and Unfortunate Promises

Lots of clients are flaky, and it’s pretty common for folks like us to say whatever they want to hear just to get them to shut up. We often make promises we never mean to live up to, assuming they won’t be tested. So it’s no fun then these unfortunate client promises come home to roost.

A few months back, I had a quick phone call with a new prospect. The guy on the other end was excessively aggressive, making me question their buying power and his authority. Sometimes you can just sense it when the conversation changes from a client considering buying to a demonstration of his personal mojo.

He wanted in our schedule in April. Considering that was six months away, I decided to accept, even though I knew I would have real-money customers on the hook before then. After all, it was probably bluster and I didn’t want to call his bluff.

I followed up with an email, baiting him into making a real commitment. He didn’t reply, and I chalked him up to being a big-talker.

Then February rolled around. April was full to bursting when I happened to be on an unrelated phone call with Mr. Big. Of course, I had completely forgotten about my promise to him!

“How are things looking for April,” he asks.

“Oh, we’re busy, busy, busy as always,” I boast. “Completely booked up!”

“Yes, we’re ready to be part of that!”

Suddenly it’s The Princess Bride. “All but your four fastest ships,” Buttercup dubiously prompts…

Crap. I quickly search my email for any record of a previous conversation and there it is: A black-and-white promise of now-unavailable activity in April.

I knew what I had to do. “Yes, of course,” I reply. “I mean we’re booked up thanks to you!”

So I’m committed to making it work. I’ll rearrange April. Maybe I’ll bring on some temporary resources. Maybe I’ll let another project slip.

Then the transaction gets weird. “We’re actually not sure if we can do it,” he says after I’ve committed. “I need to check with the board. I’ll let you know in March.”

And there we are. I’ve over-committed my availability, I’m on the hook to deliver, and I can’t even plan on it happening! I did what I figured was best: Bet on his flaking out by still not reserving anything in the way of resources, all the while spending some internal capital on a “what if he comes through” plan with the team.

Know what I just heard last week? He flaked out.

Cadbury Flake photo by Evan-Amos used here for parody 

What Your Drink Says About You (And Your Client)

Aah, cocktails! The time-honored way to unwind while simultaneously "entertaining" clients! Even the IRS allows you to deduct half the cost!

But what does a cocktail choice say about the drinker? Here lies a minefield for consultants!

If your client orders beer, you must not order booze. Get a Sam Adams. It's normal enough that everyone carries it, you won't seem weird or stuck up or snobby, and it's not terrible. You can alternatively buy a Yuengling in the Northeast, a Molson Canadian in Canada, an Anchor Steam in California or a Shiner Bock in Texas.

If your client orders a Crown and Coke, he's from Texas. Suck it up and drink one, too.

If your client orders a goofy flavored martini, humor her and get a gin and tonic. She doesn't like booze and doesn't want you to get all snobby on her. Order something "weird" and you've lost a client.

If your client orders a gin and tonic, call for Hendrick's. He or she will thank you, and you won't feel like a fool ordering one too.

If your client orders single-malt Scotch, you should call for 14 or 15 year Glenfiddich whether you like it or not. It's not crazy expensive, and he'll think it's a respectable and appropriate choice. Change the topic of conversation to cars or sports: You'll only make enemies discussing Scotch.

If your client orders a Cosmopolitan, you should order a Sidecar. She's clearly interested in tasty cocktails but doesn't know enough about them to order something awesome. If she tastes yours, she'll love it and love you for the introduction! If not, at least you don't look like a weirdo or a wino.

If your client orders a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned, go nuts. Get a gin martini or a negroni or start calling for top shelf liquor. Try something with Rye or sweet vermouth or egg white. This one's a keeper.

Wine is a topic for another post...

Image credit: Cocktail silliness by katypang

Who Gets the Shaft When Slick Dick Comes To Town?

I remember one client we had worked with for ages. A real mom-and-pop shop, these guys never had much money and always had lots of needs. But they would usually scrape together enough coin to bring us in every few months to tweak a system or patch up an RFP. Sometimes they'd even pay me to talk to their staff about "technology advances" - in other words, I'd just show up and throw up about whatever I felt like.

I usually felt a bit guilty about taking their money. For one thing, it wasn't much so their projects were always scheduled "as available". Maybe I'd get it done this week, maybe next month. Whatever. And we never put in much effort on their tasks, either.

Then one day a funny thing happened. Somehow "Slick Dick" came in and convinced "Mom" to make him CIO of the place. He even negotiated a nice budget for services and equipment!

Our sales rep was drooling. Dick was a shyster and she knew it. But rather than letting Mom know to show him the door, Mrs. Rep pow-wowed with Dick and convinced him to hire us to build a Strategic Plan. This, of course, because there was no way he was capable of strategizing his way out of the can!

I was the lucky SoB to work with Dick on this plan. This left me deeply conflicted: Should I do it right and make Dick shine or should I torpedo his ambitions out of respect to my long-time friends there?

I was especially conflicted once it became clear that Dick wanted to outsource the whole thing to a certain sub-continental consulting firm. He figured the immediate savings would make him look like a god so he could parlay his own way out of there and into a cushier office with a bigger budget.

In the end, I did exactly what I was told. I helped Dick build a strategy and RoI model showing that outsourcing the whole shebang was the sensible thing to do. Then I did what I thought was right: I requested feedback from an old friend on staff, a guy at risk of losing his job under the new plan. Of course I didn't care about his feedback. I just wanted to leak the whole thing in time for him to sink Dick.

That's exactly what happened. IT rallied behind my old ally, sunk the outsourcing, and Dick got the shaft. As for me and my firm? We got paid handsomely for leading the company from Point A right back to Point A. What's a few kilobucks between friends?

The Client is Always Wrong

The hardest-learned lesson for any young consultant is how to be wrong. After all, you're the expert, right? But we're all painfully aware of our own limitations; otherwise we'd be in sales!

It's important for a good consultant to acknowledge and admit his limitations. It can even become a sport! Once you're gray enough, you can plead ignorance to almost anything and still get the gig!

I once admitted to the client's main point of contact that, until that meeting, I had never even heard of the product I was developing requirements for! Never mind that I knew it pretty well; I just wanted to see what he'd do! Of course, he kept the project going. After all, he had picked our firm…

But have you ever noticed that the client is almost never right? In fact, it's fair to say that the client is always wrong about everything, from requirements to the final punch list.

This may just be the hardest-learned lesson for an old consultant to face: You're going to tell them one thing and they'll do whatever they decide anyway. The best you can hope for is to convince them, through and through, all of them, that your way is best.

If you can't get real heartfelt buy-in, you're just as bad as they say consultants are!

Whatever. You know we're all even worse!

Our Newest Blogger...Catherine the Great!

I'm very pleased to introduce our newest blogger - alert consultant Catherine the Great!
Catherine will be posting every two weeks for the Crazy Consultant Blog, and we're thrilled to have her.  Until we work out the kinks on our end - we'll paste her first, most awesome post below.
Welcome Catherine!
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One of many bizarre consultant behaviors is the ability to type, unceasingly, while staring at a laptop with such intensity as to discourage interruption by colleagues, or worse, clients. Today, I’m working for a Billionaire lunatic, who walks the floor and fires people on the spot if, in his opinion, they aren't working "hard enough". My job is to stabilize and reorganize the company, which I could do very well if the Billionaire would GO HOME. At the moment, there is nothing to do…it happens…lots more than the client knows or could stomach.

So I am slavishly typing away, staring intently at my laptop composing this little missive to you while billing $400 an hour to a client who steadfastly refuses to take my advice, yet extends my contract ad nauseum. While I am thrilled at making my number and potentially getting my 40% bonus, it’s been promised more times than a hillbilly bride. I'll be happy with $25k and an increase in draw.

I keep an excel sheet open at all times, so in the event of an approaching client, I can switch from my horoscope, Gmail or shopping to a massive and complex sheet (I’ve used the same one for years). Of course I don’t worry about being caught. Only fools accept the kind offer of client provided Internet (bait for newbies), which can and will be audited to disprove bills.

There is a firm legend about a brand new analyst who, while working late at a client site, surfed for porn. On the client’s Internet. Yhea….it was baaaaaddd. Analyst fired, bill eaten, lesson learned.

Cardboard: not for the homeless anymore

i helped a client relocate to their new office space this week. the new workspace design is very cool and futuristic with an open feel and low cube walls. most people i spoke with loved the space, except for this guy:

me: hi there! (smile) welcome to your new office space. is there anything i can do to make your transition easier?
him: uuuuh, yea. i don't like my new cube.
me: oh, really? what don't you like about it?
him: the walls are too low.
me: yes, those are designed that way on purpose to encourage peer-to-peer collaboration and teamwork. (smile)
him: can i put cardboard on top of the walls to add another foot or two?
me: no (deadpan)

The Perils of Printer Toner

I am not making this up.

This is an actual email chain that went around the client site today.

A little background:
Yesterday, there was a small crisis here at the client site. The printer/copy machine, which is quite large and looks rather like a new-age space shuttle, ran out of toner.

Now, we all have multiple printers loaded on our computers, but none of us really know where any of these other mystery printers are located. Thus, this toner issue was a large problem.

At most offices, the normal protocol in this situation would be to find the nearest admin and beg for help. In this bizarro universe, however, that is not the case. Here, if ANYTHING happens, like if a printer runs out of toner, if you need a new pen, or if you have to go to the bathroom, you have to "OPEN A TICKET." That's right. In the interest of organizational efficiency, nothing may be done here without "opening a ticket."

Now, of course, tickets are not easy to come by. They take time...and they're about as efficient as the DMV. Any good consultant would find a workaround to this issue in about 5 minutes. My good colleague Laurie did just that. Being the proactive c consultant that she is, she noticed that the printer was out of toner and decided to take action. Note - she did NOT open a ticket. For SHAME!
She went to the floor admin, Jerry, and asked what could be done about this problem. The floor admin, who is known to be about as friendly and helpful as an unevolved sloth, told her "I've TOLD you, Laurie. OPEN A TICKET."

Laurie didn't want to do that, so she went to another admin - who is slightly senior to Jerry. The senior admin sent the following email to Laurie, Laurie's boss, and the top client:

From: SENIOR ADMIN
Sent: Tuesday, March 03, 2009 12:37 PM
To: Jerry the Admin [C]; Laurie; Ron the Tech Guy; The Engagement Manager;
Cc: Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner
Importance: High

Laurie, "Engagement Manager" and "Client",

If you need assistance, please submit a ticket to the help desk. Below is the link and the number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. According to "The Boss", "Ron the Tech Guy" should not assist anyone if they do not submit a ticket.

Thank you for your cooperation.

______________________________

Thinking that this information could benefit a number of us, Laurie dutifully forwarded the above email to a few other consultants on the project:

From: Laurie
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:23 AM
To: Crazy Consultant and other Consultants
Cc: Jerry the Admin
Subject: FW: Printer TonerImportance: High

FYI…below is the process for any technology issues including toner issues.
THANKS!

(she included the Senior Admin's instructions)

_________________________
Outraged that Laurie didn't open a ticket, and just generally pissed about the message, Jerry the Admin responded to Laurie, the Engagement Manager, Laurie's Workstream Lead, and the Main Client:

From: Jerry the Admin
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:26 AM
To: Laurie, Engagement Manager, Workstream Lead, and Main Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner

Laurie- I do not understand why you would even need to put me on this email. Everyone on your To: list would have already received the email sent out on behalf of "THE BOSS" which stated the same information. So there is no new process, and no one except for yourself has come to me with this concern, unless they are trying to circumvent the system without doing a ticket. So for further emails please do not include me in your PROCESSES, as I have been with CLIENT X for nearly four years so I do understand the processes.

Thank You,
Jerry the Admin

__________________________________

The moral of the story: OPEN A TICKET if you want to avoid Admin Scorn.

Drills Gone Wild

Sent to us by an alert Consultant in Pittsburgh...

"When I was working in NY at CLIENT SITE X, I was working next to an individual who nearly had her foot drilled into while sitting at her desk. Apparently they were doing construction on the floor below and the drill broke through the floor above— directly under her foot! Fortunately the woman had good reflexes."

In Case You Need a Laugh...

… and I’m guessing we all do…

I would just like to report that moments ago, here at the client site, a rather odd thing transpired:

My colleague, another dutiful consultant, was quietly working at her desk,
When suddenly…

And I am not making this up…

The ceiling fell on her head.

What makes this even more entertaining is the fact that there were several GALLONS of water right above the destroyed ceiling tile.

So not only is the poor woman dirty from material that no doubt contains asbestos, but she (and her laptop) are now also quite wet.

You have to love government consulting.

Where is OSHA when you need it?

Consulting Moment of Zen

I'm in a meeting with my client. She says, "I need you to fly down to {insert name of random small city} tomorrow to get a handle on what's going on with the conversion.". I say, no problem, I'll grab an afternoon flight so we can lay out a plan in the morning.

My client says, "...you actually like traveling, don't you?".

Does that make me a bad person?

Clients ask for the darndest things!

i was asked to go to europe for a strategic meeting with our friendly european colleagues. it's really only for one week, but i'm going to take the second week off and travel. i told my client that i was going to be out for 2 weeks for work (said nothing about vacation), and i wasn't sure if i was even going to be on the project at that point (because they still haven't said how long they want me) but that i thought they should know. a thoughtful and forward-thinking FYI, don't you agree? here's the recap:


client: can your company move your meeting until after our go-live? (yes, people, she really asked that)
me: (to myself in my head) ARE YOU KIDDING??? as if my company is going to move our meeting around for YOU! puh-leeeeeze.) so i politely said, uhh, well, the dates probably aren't going to change - they might, but probably not.
client: well, can somebody else do it?
me: well, barb, i'm a senior leader in our practice. i need to go.
client (in a huff): well, i'm not going to say no, but it puts us in a very tough position.

i don't feel bad (i gave them 2 months notice!). europe, here i come...bisous!

I'm Going to Strangle A Contractor. Wait.....

Sent by an alert Government Consultant based in DC:

So here's the deal...I work at an Army site, mixed uniforms, enlisted and officers, with contractors in a giant cubeland.

Just overheard being said by a Chief Warrant Officer as he stormed down the hall through cubeland , "I'm going to strangle a contractor!" as he is making the universal strangling gestures with his hands.

Seriously.

Mommy Dearest...

One of my clients is a very nice elderly woman. By elderly, I'm guessing she's in her 60s. She seems to think we share some sort of “bond”, which was evidenced quite clearly earlier this afternoon. In front of my team, she patted me on the top of my head and told me I reminded her of the kid she never had. Some of you are thinking, “Oh, how sweet”. Welllllll...not so much. She then tried feeding me a krispy kreme while proceeding to tell me I don’t eat enough. Um, since when did I ask for a second mother? And the patting on the head? Really? Is that necessary?

The Bizarro World - Also Known As the Client Site.

sent by an alert consultant in Sydney, Australia:

It's nearly 7p in our client's office here in Sydney, which generally means that my team are the only people in the building (by a good hour and a half, for that matter). And yet tonight, on my way into the kitchen to refill my water bottle, I ran into three junior employees from the client's staff drinking beer and grilling italian sausages on two George Foreman grills. When--in a state of shock--I inquired as to what, exactly they were doing, one of them commented that they were "grilling out" to watch the upcoming cricket match...apparently none of them had cable at home, and they had no idea anyone would be around past 6p.

A tail-gate inside the client's office...unbelievable.

A Moment to Celebrate

Several weeks ago, I was the esteemed recipient of a rarely awarded privilege. For those in the consulting field, you’re probably thinking this means some sort of award, recognition, bonus, special thank you or other sort of accolade.

Not in the consulting field? Well, you live lives too normal for me to relate, so, I have no idea what this sort of thing would mean to you.

In the consulting field? The accolade? No, it certainly wasn’t that. And it wasn’t a glowing review from a hard client and difficult personnel manager. What was it then?

Well, the seminal event in my career, the one that I will carry with me and cherish always is this: I’ve Been Tasked in the Third Person.

I say it again: I’ve Been Tasked in the Third Person

Confused? Then you’re probably not living in the consulting field. Please, close this window, and go back to your normal lives.

For the rest of us (and by that I mean those who have reached the rarefied heights that I find myself precariously perched at), I am sure you can relate. In the consulting field and still confused? Just give it time, it will happen.

So, how did I find myself in such a situation? Sitting in the client’s office, participating in a conference call with other client and contractor staff. I found myself sitting directly across from the client, Mr. Action Item.

Mr. Action Item , is a take charge kind of guy. He’s not interested in “pie in the sky” type things; he wants to “take the pie higher”. Mr. Action Item takes charge and assigns people work, deftly switching from sports metaphor to sports metaphor.

From this call Mr. Action Item, had drawn up a list, of well, Action Items. Mr. Action Item then switched his hat to become Mr. Task Delegation. Mr. Task Delegation starts handing out action items like girl scout cookies. Except with out the chocolaty and minty goodness.

Mr. Task Delegation assigns action items to my manager to task me. So, there I find myself, in a conference call, sitting across from Mr. Action Item, listening to Mr. Task Delegation, task my supervisor to task me.

Ain’t bureaucracy grand?

written by Furio

It's Tuesday.

Two major pieces of news this morning:

1. The client just informed us that he has decided that general work and management is "all about the people. It's all about respecting the people."
   This comes less than a week after said client yelled at my colleague, saying "I don't care what you think! Just do it!"
   We're giving this new leaf a total of three hours.
   
2. Starbucks started using the red coffee cups this morning! Did you notice? Winter is here, people.

Faulty Logic

The following conversation took place at 2:23pm this afternoon.

Setting (in the interest of providing a visual):

I am sitting at my desk in cube I share with another consultant. Two computers are in front of me - my laptop and my client desktop. Why? Because I'm "not allowed to access the firm's network on the client desktop, but I AM allowed to access it on a laptop if I bring the laptop from home." That's faulty logic piece #1. The 20-year-old A/C window box unit is running - so loudly that anyone I talk to on the phone thinks I'm in a wind tunnel. Not the mention the fact that the A/C is surely spraying deadly 20-year-old bacteria in my face. Makes me think that will one day I'll die of a mysterious disease that will be cause for a comeback of the X-Files. The office generally smells of cockroach and old carpet mixed with burnt coffee and client's daily bag of excessively buttered microwave popcorn. All other consultants are out of the office today.

Client walks in.

Client: Hey - yeah - why don't you go ahead and get out of here.

Me: Wait - what? Are you leaving?

Client: Oh no - I'm not.

Me: So...then...why do you want me to leave?

Client: Well - you know - Monday is Columbus Day (enter faulty logic piece #2).

Me: Riiiight. Okay. But wait - isn't today Friday?

Client: Yup.

Me: (Confused) Okay...so...we're all just leaving early?

Client: Well I'm not. But you can, mmm kay?

Me: Kay. I think I'm going to go ahead and finish what I'm working on, and then maybe I'll leave. I mean it's only 2:25.

Client: Okay. Whatever. Later.

One Hour Later... I wandered down to the client's office to see what he was up to - if there was anything else I could do to help him out, etc.

He was gone. Lights were out.

I went down the hall, and the rest of the client office was dark and LOCKED UP.

After all ... Monday IS Columbus Day.

I left at 3:46.

I swear I'm living in the Bizarro world.

Corporate Communications at it's Finest

The following email recently went out on the client site to the entire office:

"Do you like it hot and sticky?
If so, there is warm cake in 1221. Get some before it's all gone!"

Um...
Ahem...

Does anyone else see something seriously wrong with this?

It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day" at the Client Site.

No. I am not making this up.

I walked into work this morning, and there are posters up everywhere that say "It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day!" These posters are complemented by the occasional cut-out of a pirate's head.

The sad thing is, I actually got excited for a second.
"It is? COOL!"

Wait.

No. Not cool.

Apparently this is a real thing. http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

There's even a newsletter you can subscribe to, called, of course "The Poopdeck."

Wonderful.

Apparently I just have a sub-par calendar, since I wasn't aware of this magnanimous holiday.

Go figure.

This is when you know it's time to roll-off the project.

Client dysfunction.

Will someone please explain to me why clients repeatedly ask for copies of the project plan when they don't have MS Project?

It makes no sense.

I send copies, and they're happy. Yet they can't ever open them.

No logic.