What Business Travelers Want Most From Loyalty Programs: Stealthy Luxury

I guess I sounded like a dick in my last post, torching “manufactured spend” and other stupidity while offering a rich white-guy toast. But I’m not going to backpedal. I’ve tasted the cocktail and I like it.

We’ve already established that airlines, hotels and the like really want people like me to expense our way through their wares. But they’ve had mixed success doing it, since they continue to pander to the wrong clientele with signing bonuses and airport terminal credit card hawkers.

So let’s talk about what paying business travelers like me really want.

More than anything else, we want stealthy luxury. The real 1% spends their own money and relishes luxury brands, but consultants like us still have expense accounts and client oversight. We need options that look mainstream but give secret benefits.

That’s why we like Uber, after all. It’s a first-class experience that fits our expense accounts!

Here are some examples of what I mean:

• National Car Rental’s Emerald Club Executive level lets you choose virtually any car on the lot after reserving a midsize Corolla. This is what I’m talking about! I can request a National reservation from any admin or travel department yet roll in a real car. Don’t see what you want on the Executive Aisle? National has always let me pick anything within sight!
• United offers Premier 1K and Global Services fliers instant upgrades on M-Class economy tickets at booking. These aren’t cheap and it’s just about impossible to finagle one from a wary travel agent, but if the client lets me book my own reservation online I always go this route. 
• Most airlines allow ranking frequent fliers to upgrade using certificates (once literal “stickers”) to get out of the coach seat your company’s rules require.
• TSA Pre-Check was fantastic when it was just us high-status frequent fliers, but it’s been diluted by that damn iPad app the TSA uses now.
• Most hotels offer status-based floors and lounges, but they rarely keep the riffraff out in practice.
• Credit cards like the American Express Platinum offer airport lounge access regardless of ticket class. But this benefit is rapidly evaporating.

There are many more stealth upgrades, but all share a common theme: Book a mainstream thing and get a nicer thing.

I’d love to see this practice spread throughout the business economy. Here are some ideas:

• Hotels should offer programs to “walk” elite guests to nicer properties. My company could book me into the Courtyard but the chain could let me stay at the Marriott instead, just like a first class upgrade on a flight.
• Car rental companies should offer post-reservation but pre-arrival upgrades and should pick me up and drop me off at the terminal like Silvercar or Enterprise (but without the smarminess).
• Hotel elite floors should offer real upgrades and amenities, and they should be guaranteed. I rarely get a room the elite floor and even more rarely see any difference. Seriously, what's the point?
• Ritzy hotel chains should add some business-friendly booking options. Let me “upgrade” even if I have to partially pay out of pocket. I’d love to switch to the Hyatt or Fairmont but my clients would balk. But they wouldn’t object to a market-rate room expense.
• Airport lounges should have good food and real booze and should offer a ride to the gate. Otherwise it's pointless for people like me to go to the lounge. I’m sneering at you, United!
• Give me a credit card with real benefits. Everyone knows the concierge service is worthless and “Priority Pass Select” is bogus. Throw in some of these perks and I’ll gladly pay a $500 annual fee and shift tens of thousands in expenses your way.

What do you think? What stealth luxuries could hotel chains offer you?

Manufactured Spend and Other Stupid Games, or, "I’ve Got A Real Job"

Constant business travelers like me spend lots of time studying the nuances of “loyalty” programs. We make sure we maximize our airline and hotel status, we have a wallet full of credit cards, and we pick our travel providers accordingly. For us, it’s all about minimizing the horrors of travel.

But there’s a whole other world of loony points fiends with quite a different perspective. They’re in the programs to earn rewards and they’ll go to extremes to do it. They book everything through online portals to maximize points, they churn through credit cards for the signup bonuses, and they’ll go to extremes to “manufacture” spending.

I read lots of travel blogs to keep on top of programs. I do this mainly to keep on top of the latest developments (it’s important for me to know what will happen to their programs when American and US Airways merge, for example) and indeed a bit to learn about rewards opportunities. When I started staying at more Hilton properties, I relied on Gary Leff’s advice to suggest which new credit card to sign up for, and the constant barrage of Hyatt/MGM Resorts coverage encourages me to swing their way if only to ease my thankfully-rare trips to Vegas.

But about half of what I read on these blogs is a complete waste of time for me. To wit:

• It seems like most of these folks spent 2013 buying “Vanilla Reload” cards at Staples to get 5% back from the churn. But I can think of lots of easier ways to earn $50 to $100. After all, I have a job.
• Now The Miles Professor is buying PayPal cards at CVS and carefully churning those to earn “$300-$400 per hour”. But at only one $400 hour per 30 days, that’s not much of a payday, is it?
• Leff and others breathlessly exhort folks to sign up for small business credit cards just for the signing bonuses. But airlines and hotels are aggressively devaluing their points and raising redemption rates. And not even Kim Kardashian’s entourage wants a free reward ticket!

Let me reiterate: I have a job. I spend over $100k annually on actual plane tickets, hotel rooms, rental cars, and business meals. To people like me, jumping through hoops to manufacture a few thousand dollars of “spend” in order to earn a free ticket or hotel room is a complete waste of time.

I want benefits. I want to be greeted by name when I return to the same hotel 10 times per year (a pox on the Hilton New York!) I want a whole floor of the Waldorf in Orlando that doesn’t allow kids. I want to sit in first every time, buying an M-class ticket on United so my client thinks it’s a coach seat.

Airlines and hotel chains would be wise to court folks like me and are wise to continue alienating the manufactured spend crowd. Go ahead and cry over your Vanilla Reloads. I’ll have another Manhattan.

Image credit: Awesome Brolly Usage! by Whatleydude

Bed and Breakfasts: Creative Accommodations On the Road or Nightmare on Elm Street?

I stay at big chain hotels too often. I’m diamond in one program and platinum in another, so now I’m working towards gold in a third. But I’ve had a couple of co-workers choose a different route when they travel, and I’m curious what you all think of it.

“Bed and Breakfasts” are basically frilly little homes populated by the retired set. They let you sleep on the same kind of lumpy bed in the same kind of potpourri-scented room your parents keep for you in hopes you’ll stay with them over the holidays. And they include the same horrid home cooking and tedious conversation at breakfast. What more could I ask for?

But I’ve had a few fellow consultants heading to “B-b-B’s” lately, so I decided to ask why they would punish themselves like that. Here’s what they said:

Women like bed and breakfast accommodation because it removes them from the predatory world of business hotels. Apparently we men can get downright ugly after a week on the road and too many gin and tonics, making lewd comments, following women around the hotel, and generally being pigs. I get this. Grandma and grandpa are less threatening than Bob from Poughkeepsie. But hotels are also well-staffed, have on-site security, and lack the dark back porch and garden of your typical bed and breakfast. Give me drunken salesmen any day!

Some also said they save money by staying in informal lodging. I can understand this to an extent, especially now that I’ve got my own company, so every dollar spent at the Westin could have been saved towards my Tesla. Some even soak their per-diem, banking the extra hundreds rather than handing it over to the hotel. I imagine they’re the same people who eat lunch at Taco Bell in Midtown. Not me.

Finally, some tell me about the friendliness of the bed and breakfast environment. Can you imagine being excited to meet the retired couple with the RV and the grandma visiting her son in college? What a benefit!

Oh well. I’m not staying in a bed and breakfast. How about you?

Bates Motel image used for purposes of parody

What is a "3-4-5 Consultant"?

There are many terms in consulting that just sort of seep through our consciousness without needing to be defined. But this kind of "consultantese" can mean trouble for newbies. So it is with "3-4-5", an important but opaque term of art in this industry. What does "3/4/5" mean to a consultant?

Put plainly, "3-4-5" means that, for each week you're working:

• You'll spend 3 nights at hotels
• You'll spend 4 days working at the client site
• You'll spend the fifth day back at the office

In other words, a 3-4-5 consultant can be expected to be away from home for four days and three nights just about every week.

Usually, the "3-4-5" schedule looks like this:

• Board a regional jet Monday at 5:30 AM for a flight to some lame city (Rochester? St. Louis? Frankfurt?), spend a long Monday at a boring office park, skip dinner, and get a late check in at the Hampton Inn (since that's the best they've got out there)
• Listen to a bunch of dispirited B- and C-players complain about their life all day Tuesday and Wednesday at the client site, the Applebee's, and the "inn"
• Pack up Thursday morning, skipping the waffles, and make an excuse to disappear at noon so you can fly back home before missing another night
• Fill out expense reports and attend "team meetings" all day Friday

Metaphorically, however, "3-4-5" is a promise from the firm. It means they intend to achieve some mythical level of "work/life balance" by "allowing" you to be home more than half your nights. "We're the good guys," they'll claim during your interview. "Unlike those body shops, we give our consultants a 3/4/5 week, treating them like the professionals they are!"

The new hire hears this and immediately dreams up a "3-2-2" scheme, traveling all day Monday, eating at fancy restaurants and going out clubbing three nights, and heading home first thing Thursday before skipping the last day of work. Do not fall into this trap. This is not how it is!

In reality, "3-4-5" often devolves into "4-4-5" or even "5-5-5", since the client never agreed only to have you on-site four days. Plus, "we have a staff meeting first thing Monday, and where were you Thursday at 4:30 when we needed you?" I've known many consultants who fly on Sunday and Saturday, even!

So there you have it. An ideal "3-4-5" consultant spends three nights and four days on the road. Sometimes.

Consultants Do It Better Than Everyone (But Disney)

Aah, vacation! When consultants get to kick back, relax, and spend some hotel points and airline miles. Ko Samui, here I come!

But, even on vacation, I just can't stop consulting! When all you do all day is criticize the crappy way everyone runs their business, vacation isn't all that relaxing. After all, the so-called "hospitality industry" is rife with nepotized C players, indolent idiots, and a slavish attention to all the wrong procedures.

Consider the average luxury resort stay:

• You're greeted by that cesspool of tip-driven ne'er-do-wells, the parking valets. They'll step up and grab your bags (right out of your hand) to "earn" a tip, but can't be bothered to bring your car around in a timely manner. So you have to tip big to make sure you're marked as a big spender, worthy of attention and service.
• Once inside, the well-dressed doorman will direct you to "reception" which, in modern times, has morphed into a disorganized set of high desks with no mechanism to keep the rabble organized. Even the elite desk is mobbed with barefoot rugrats and their parents asking where to get water park tickets.
• Then there's the bellhop, who can't bring your luggage without you yet takes an hour to find your room. "Welcome to the resort! Now sit on your bed while our guy rummages through your bags and smashes the cart into the doors." I'd skip the porter, but then I'd get a reputation at the resort of the kind of guy who does his own laundry and eats at the buffet...
• It's hilarious that "island time" has become a meme, but it's got no place at a luxury resort. Especially embossed on a plaque on the wall at the poolside bar. I don't want "island time" service, I want my damn drink!
• Everything at the resort costs $100. Breakfast for two, drinks by the pool, spa services, a bottle of water, everything. You might as well just bring a stack of Benjamins and hand them to every employee you see. Except for dinner, which costs $100 per person even though it's about Olive Garden quality.
• Your bill will be screwed up. They will charge you twice for dumb auditable things like overnight parking. How can they mess this kind of stuff up yet be able to force the maids to stuff four Kleenex into the box in the shape of a flower?

They could really use a consultant. But not me: It would ruin vacation if I knew just how much the resort management hates guests like me!

The only exception to all this is Disney. Those people are just fantastic. I think they must have management "secret shopping" the parks, noting where to add a water fountain and how to better train employees. Love it!

Photo credit: Fonsen

An Open Letter to Disgruntled Hotel Staff

The following is a response to the alleged Marriott staffer who complained about the tantrums of elite guests.

Dear hotel staff,

Do you know who I am? I am your best customer. I am the reason you have a fatter paycheck than the guy at the Motel 6. I am the reason you get to dress nicely and not worry about being mugged while on the evening shift. I am the reason your hotel can afford to offer a Starbucks, a restaurant, and a full-service bar. In short, you'd be screwed without me.

I know it must annoy you to have some rich prick complaining he didn't get his breakfast coupons and two bottles of water. And I know you must seethe when they complain that their upgraded room isn't upgraded enough, even though it's larger and nicer than your shared apartment. But take a breath and be nice anyway.

Consider this:

• This prick (or his firm) spent more than your monthly rent for two nights in this room, so maybe he really is entitled to a big, luxurious room
• Customers like him regularly toss around hourly-wage-sized tips (and more) to the staff at your hotel, but only if you're not a prick too
• Anyone with top elite status spent more than your annual salary at the hotel chain you work for, so that one guy represents your job
• I know it seems petty to ask for a bottle of water or cookie or piece of fruit, but this guy just got off a plane and he really is hungry

But most importantly, consider this: There are a dozen "business class" hotels in your city. If this arrogant prick decides to take his (and his firm's) business elsewhere, you're out of a job. And though you might not be living the high life like him, yours is going to suck if you get fired.

So hand over the water, upgrade the room, and thank him for his business. Feel free to rant, but only when you're off-property.

Sincerely,
A Crazy Consultant

A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Sex is a tricky subject, especially in a competitive and personality-driven field like consulting. Far from a simple, universal, physical act, sex brings along issues of power and misogyny, as well as obvious legal and contractual troubles. This is part 3 of a 3-part post on the dynamics of consulting and sex.

• What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

A Bigger Problem

I don't have an answer for this issue, and it goes way beyond the world of consulting. Women everywhere are subjected to double standards, objectified and harassed, and yet still expected to battle it out in the workplace with men.

Frankly, sex is inappropriate any time it's between a boss and a subordinate and this is a continuing issue for consultants. Woman or man, we shouldn't be sleeping around issues of power and money. I find that women are just as interested in sex as men, but their qualification minefield is harder to navigate. That's why it's so nice find an "out" that's outside the structure!

Photo by celikins

After seeing each other around the hotel for a few days, a woman and I got to talking. Turns out she was a partner at a big firm and rarely had the opportunity to "engage" with men who weren't co-workers or clients. It was such a relief for both of us to be our bad selves, talk about work, and get some flirting done without it winding up on our performance report! Neither of us wanted to let a chance like that go to waste, since suddenly all the power issues could be set aside and we could just be a man and a woman. But this sort of opportunity is rarer than most outsiders think.

Honestly, there isn't all that much sex going on among consultants. Probably no more than other fields, and definitely not what the "stud/slut" image might suggest! Just as in all other fields, the sexual dynamics too often get in the way. That, and we're smart enough to know what sexual dynamics and repercussions are!

Previously: What We Do
Previously: Women Consultants

Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Sex is a tricky subject, especially in a competitive and personality-driven field like consulting. Far from a simple, universal, physical act, sex brings along issues of power and misogyny, as well as obvious legal and contractual troubles. This is part 2 of a 3-part post on the dynamics of consulting and sex.

• What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Women Consultants

Photo by MA1216

It's no wonder that our clients want to bed us, but the psycho-sexual stud/slut nature of consulting runs smack into deeper cultural norms for men and women. Everyone thinks we consultants sleep our way around the world. How could we not? But while male consultants are celebrated for our virility, the women have a tougher row to hoe.

I have often had women at the client site try to hook up with me. They are usually sweet and charming, but some are more forthcoming. Regardless, I am in charge and able to decide whether to go with it or gently decline. Being a man, I never encountered a really sticky client-side sexual situation.

Women consultants have to deal with an entirely different world, however. They're sluts, right? Worldly, coin-operated, and experienced. Why wouldn't they sleep with a boring middle-manager who demanded it? Especially if the contract was on the line.

This sucks. Most of my female colleagues refuse to visit the hotel bar for fear of being harassed, and they're right: I've seen what happens when one ventures there after hours. Every woman consultant I've talked with tells me she has received inappropriate and unwanted advances. Most have been threatened to the brink of blackmail. And mostly the clients felt justified in this. They're sluts, remember?

Previously: What We Do
Next up: A Bigger Problem

When You're Too Platinum with the Hotel

Good Consultants!

Like you, I have Platinum Status with just about ever hotel, airline, rental car agency, and liquor store in the Continental United States. DOUBLE Platinum with some, I'd like to point out.

Now, let me tell you a tale of a crazy consultant who officially reached "Too Platinum' status with the Intercontinental Hotel Group.

It all began at the hotel reception desk one rainy Monday evening in Connecticut.

Zineb (Nice Moroccan hotel receptionist): Welcome back Crazy Consultant!! We missed you!
Me: That's sad - it's only been since Thursday, but thank you!
Zineb: Guess what - you've been upgraded this week to our best Executive Suite!
Me: (feeling exceptionally special and quite deserving of this great honor) Thank you, Zineb.
Zineb: Justin (cool bell hop) will bring your bags up to the room. Enjoy!

Still feeling very important and righteous, I made my way to room 241.
THE EXECUTIVE SUITE, PEOPLE.
I opened the door to quite the spectacular architectural space.
The rooms were massive.
To the left - a bathroom straight out of the Bellagio. To the right, a 10-person Mahogany conference room table. On the wall - a matching mahogany white board.
Armoires....dressers....televisions...a couch...the Executive Suite was perfect.

Justin (cool bell hop) arrived shortly with my bags. He came in and said "wow - nice room."
"Damn right" I thought. "I'm pretty awesome with my Platinum Status"
He set my bags down and started to leave.
It was about that time that I noticed something, shall we say, ODD, about the room.
I couldn't quite put my finger on it...so I wandered around a bit (still feeling deserving and important). Justin was out the door and heading for the elevators when I figured out what the problem was.

The room had no bed.

Apparently I have acheived such status with the hotel that they fundamentally now assume that I don't require sleep.

I am not making this up.

This is when you know you're too platinum.

I'm a Rock Star....or just Insane. And this hotel doesn't have wireless.

I’m officially insane.

Not that there was really any doubt before, but here’s a story that basically tells you what a maniac I am. Or…as I like to think of it…more how die-hard, dedicated and just generally cool this crazy consultant is. So cool, in fact, that I get to end sentences with “is.”

Yesterday, at approximately 3pm, I was put under anesthesia. I had this medical procedure that I needed to have done (I’ll let your imaginations run wild with that one), and they knocked me out for it. Two and a half hours later, I came around. Ridiculously drugged, my wonderful friend took me home. I was in bed asleep from all the drugs within an hour.

Now…for planning purposes…of course I had to know how long this was going to “put me out.” The doctor guessed that the anesthesia should only last for about 10-12 hours. That meant that I should have been FINE sometime between 1:00am and 3:00am.
He just suggested that I not do anything stressful for awhile.
Great.
Playing it “safe,” the alarm went off at 4:00am this morning. I had to catch my 6:00am flight for Chicago. Gotta be there for campus recruiting!
God forbid I should leave any room for error.

Interviews started at 9am sharp.

Now, for someone who was under anesthesia less than 24 hours before, I think that’s pretty damn good. I showed up EARLY. (oh…and I forgot to mention…I showed up early in a really cool Jeep Wrangler with a soft top, decked out with satellite radio, since I’m just that cool – a 5-star Gold Club Hertz member (translation: I have no life)).

Yeah. So I did 8 interviews. They were great, too! Great candidates.

Now I’m back at the hotel.
I’m sitting in the hotel bar, and they don’t have wireless.
What is that about?
At $250/night, wireless shouldn’t be that hard.
So…I’m sitting here, sipping a glass of Estancia, eating some sort of standard hotel salad involving mysterious meat, dried cranberries and candied pecans, watching football on 12 different screens and listening to ‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ on the “Excessively Loud for the Bar” sound setting. Does that make me sound old or what?
God forbid anyone in here should be able to hear himself think, let alone talk to anyone else. I’m convinced that loud bar music is a covert government operation designed to make people with no life and sitting alone in hotel bars feel good about rationalizing why they’re not talking to anyone.

It’s a conspiracy I tell you!
Who plays ‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ anymore, anyway?
And 12 screens? Think of it this way: when there are ads…that’s 12 visuals of Tommy Lasorda talking about the Slim Fast diet. That’s an unfortunate 12 visuals.

Regardless, I’m just going to keep sipping my Estancia, feeling cool.
Dammit, I was under anesthesia yesterday. I rock.

Let’s not mention the fact that, if I was REALLY that cool, I’d be able to figure out how to use my crackberry as a laptop wireless connection.
Yeah…negative.

We won’t think about that.

Right now I’m just going to keep feeling good. So good, in fact – that I deserve a treat.
I’m going to see what the concierge lounge has to offer.
I got gypped on the candied pecans in this salad, anyway.
I only got two.
I expect at least four in a hotel salad.
There should be rules.

Best Places to Stay 2007

Well well well...as if each and every one of us couldn't have single-handedly crafted this article ourselves. That said...it's kind of nice to know if my opinion is WAY OFF as compared to everyone else. I'm a Marriott gal, personally, and occasionally can be considered a Starwood whore if The W is even tangentially involved.

Anyway - check out what everyone else apparently thinks:

From the current issue of Consulting Magazine...

"Let’s face it: There may be no profession better suited to determine the best places to stay. Where business is, consultants will travel accordingly. And travel. And travel. For decades, you and your fellow consultants have found new ways to redefine the term “road warrior.” As a profession, you are battle tested, and you have the scars to prove it. Not that you’re complaining. Lots of travel means lots of business, and so far, 2007 is no exception. The profession continues to bounce back in a big way from the doldrums of just a few years ago, and as such you must take to the road to meet client demands – even if it means packing all your mouthwash and toothpaste in quantities of three ounces or less..."

Rest of the article can be found at:

http://www.consultingmag.com/articles/555/1/Best-Places-to-Stay-2007/Best-Places-to-Stay-2007.html