What Your Drink Says About You (And Your Client)

Aah, cocktails! The time-honored way to unwind while simultaneously "entertaining" clients! Even the IRS allows you to deduct half the cost!

But what does a cocktail choice say about the drinker? Here lies a minefield for consultants!

If your client orders beer, you must not order booze. Get a Sam Adams. It's normal enough that everyone carries it, you won't seem weird or stuck up or snobby, and it's not terrible. You can alternatively buy a Yuengling in the Northeast, a Molson Canadian in Canada, an Anchor Steam in California or a Shiner Bock in Texas.

If your client orders a Crown and Coke, he's from Texas. Suck it up and drink one, too.

If your client orders a goofy flavored martini, humor her and get a gin and tonic. She doesn't like booze and doesn't want you to get all snobby on her. Order something "weird" and you've lost a client.

If your client orders a gin and tonic, call for Hendrick's. He or she will thank you, and you won't feel like a fool ordering one too.

If your client orders single-malt Scotch, you should call for 14 or 15 year Glenfiddich whether you like it or not. It's not crazy expensive, and he'll think it's a respectable and appropriate choice. Change the topic of conversation to cars or sports: You'll only make enemies discussing Scotch.

If your client orders a Cosmopolitan, you should order a Sidecar. She's clearly interested in tasty cocktails but doesn't know enough about them to order something awesome. If she tastes yours, she'll love it and love you for the introduction! If not, at least you don't look like a weirdo or a wino.

If your client orders a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned, go nuts. Get a gin martini or a negroni or start calling for top shelf liquor. Try something with Rye or sweet vermouth or egg white. This one's a keeper.

Wine is a topic for another post...

Image credit: Cocktail silliness by katypang

What is a "3-4-5 Consultant"?

There are many terms in consulting that just sort of seep through our consciousness without needing to be defined. But this kind of "consultantese" can mean trouble for newbies. So it is with "3-4-5", an important but opaque term of art in this industry. What does "3/4/5" mean to a consultant?

Put plainly, "3-4-5" means that, for each week you're working:

• You'll spend 3 nights at hotels
• You'll spend 4 days working at the client site
• You'll spend the fifth day back at the office

In other words, a 3-4-5 consultant can be expected to be away from home for four days and three nights just about every week.

Usually, the "3-4-5" schedule looks like this:

• Board a regional jet Monday at 5:30 AM for a flight to some lame city (Rochester? St. Louis? Frankfurt?), spend a long Monday at a boring office park, skip dinner, and get a late check in at the Hampton Inn (since that's the best they've got out there)
• Listen to a bunch of dispirited B- and C-players complain about their life all day Tuesday and Wednesday at the client site, the Applebee's, and the "inn"
• Pack up Thursday morning, skipping the waffles, and make an excuse to disappear at noon so you can fly back home before missing another night
• Fill out expense reports and attend "team meetings" all day Friday

Metaphorically, however, "3-4-5" is a promise from the firm. It means they intend to achieve some mythical level of "work/life balance" by "allowing" you to be home more than half your nights. "We're the good guys," they'll claim during your interview. "Unlike those body shops, we give our consultants a 3/4/5 week, treating them like the professionals they are!"

The new hire hears this and immediately dreams up a "3-2-2" scheme, traveling all day Monday, eating at fancy restaurants and going out clubbing three nights, and heading home first thing Thursday before skipping the last day of work. Do not fall into this trap. This is not how it is!

In reality, "3-4-5" often devolves into "4-4-5" or even "5-5-5", since the client never agreed only to have you on-site four days. Plus, "we have a staff meeting first thing Monday, and where were you Thursday at 4:30 when we needed you?" I've known many consultants who fly on Sunday and Saturday, even!

So there you have it. An ideal "3-4-5" consultant spends three nights and four days on the road. Sometimes.

I Got the Squeaky Chair

Considering how often I find myself sitting behind a desk at the client site, you might be surprised to learn how much I loathe it. It's not that I don't want "face time" with the client - far from it! Rather, I despise the petty politics of cube life, especially when they don't mean a thing to me.

Take my chair. Please.

I know cube-dwellers place tremendous value in their chairs. And I realize that swapping chairs is one of the best things to happen when a co-worker is canned.

But why must I always be left with the old, squeaky rattle-trap? The one even the receptionist rejected? The one with mysterious stains straight up the center of the seat? The one "rescued" from under a cardboard box in the lunch room?

It's times like this that I fall back on Panera.

Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Sex is a tricky subject, especially in a competitive and personality-driven field like consulting. Far from a simple, universal, physical act, sex brings along issues of power and misogyny, as well as obvious legal and contractual troubles. This is part 2 of a 3-part post on the dynamics of consulting and sex.

• What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Women Consultants

Photo by MA1216

It's no wonder that our clients want to bed us, but the psycho-sexual stud/slut nature of consulting runs smack into deeper cultural norms for men and women. Everyone thinks we consultants sleep our way around the world. How could we not? But while male consultants are celebrated for our virility, the women have a tougher row to hoe.

I have often had women at the client site try to hook up with me. They are usually sweet and charming, but some are more forthcoming. Regardless, I am in charge and able to decide whether to go with it or gently decline. Being a man, I never encountered a really sticky client-side sexual situation.

Women consultants have to deal with an entirely different world, however. They're sluts, right? Worldly, coin-operated, and experienced. Why wouldn't they sleep with a boring middle-manager who demanded it? Especially if the contract was on the line.

This sucks. Most of my female colleagues refuse to visit the hotel bar for fear of being harassed, and they're right: I've seen what happens when one ventures there after hours. Every woman consultant I've talked with tells me she has received inappropriate and unwanted advances. Most have been threatened to the brink of blackmail. And mostly the clients felt justified in this. They're sluts, remember?

Previously: What We Do
Next up: A Bigger Problem

What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Sex is a tricky subject, especially in a competitive and personality-driven field like consulting. Far from a simple, universal, physical act, sex brings along issues of power and misogyny, as well as obvious legal and contractual troubles. This is part 1 of a 3-part post on the dynamics of consulting and sex.

• What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

What We Do

Photo by GoingSolo

Although outsiders might think consulting is results-driven above all else, the truth is somewhat more muddy. Frankly, the work itself isn't really all that challenging for "A players". Sure, we need creativity, experience, and knowledge. But we have that, or at least some of us do. Truthfully, the difference between success and failure of a project has much more to do with charisma and salesmanship than content!

There's a great deal of posturing involved in consulting. We declare ourselves experts and recruit a choir to sing our praises. We dress better, speak better, and are far more worldly than our customers. Frankly, most of the people who hire me wish they could have my lifestyle, but see themselves trapped themselves behind a desk while I roam free in the first class lounge!

This creates an oddly sexual dynamic in the workplace. We consultants are like Hollywood stars: At once attractive and repulsive, desirable and reprehensible, studs and sluts. And this applies to male and female consultants alike: Both genders are seen as studs and both are seen as sluts!

Next up: Women Consultants
Then: A Bigger Problem 

Who Gets the Shaft When Slick Dick Comes To Town?

I remember one client we had worked with for ages. A real mom-and-pop shop, these guys never had much money and always had lots of needs. But they would usually scrape together enough coin to bring us in every few months to tweak a system or patch up an RFP. Sometimes they'd even pay me to talk to their staff about "technology advances" - in other words, I'd just show up and throw up about whatever I felt like.

I usually felt a bit guilty about taking their money. For one thing, it wasn't much so their projects were always scheduled "as available". Maybe I'd get it done this week, maybe next month. Whatever. And we never put in much effort on their tasks, either.

Then one day a funny thing happened. Somehow "Slick Dick" came in and convinced "Mom" to make him CIO of the place. He even negotiated a nice budget for services and equipment!

Our sales rep was drooling. Dick was a shyster and she knew it. But rather than letting Mom know to show him the door, Mrs. Rep pow-wowed with Dick and convinced him to hire us to build a Strategic Plan. This, of course, because there was no way he was capable of strategizing his way out of the can!

I was the lucky SoB to work with Dick on this plan. This left me deeply conflicted: Should I do it right and make Dick shine or should I torpedo his ambitions out of respect to my long-time friends there?

I was especially conflicted once it became clear that Dick wanted to outsource the whole thing to a certain sub-continental consulting firm. He figured the immediate savings would make him look like a god so he could parlay his own way out of there and into a cushier office with a bigger budget.

In the end, I did exactly what I was told. I helped Dick build a strategy and RoI model showing that outsourcing the whole shebang was the sensible thing to do. Then I did what I thought was right: I requested feedback from an old friend on staff, a guy at risk of losing his job under the new plan. Of course I didn't care about his feedback. I just wanted to leak the whole thing in time for him to sink Dick.

That's exactly what happened. IT rallied behind my old ally, sunk the outsourcing, and Dick got the shaft. As for me and my firm? We got paid handsomely for leading the company from Point A right back to Point A. What's a few kilobucks between friends?

Jet Lag? What Jet Lag?

Post courtesy of alert guest blogger/consultant Gideon...

Early in my "career" as a for-hire bullshitter, I joined a company with "international presence" and experienced my first bout of real jet lag.

In this case, "international presence" meant we were working with a multi-national with offices in the US, UK, and continental Europe. It wasn't that international, in retrospect, but sure seemed exotic to a 20-something like me!

I had crossed the Atlantic a couple of times before, but I wasn't the air ninja I am today. So I boarded the (randomly-selected) plane and found my (cheap coach) seat. I was thrilled! In a few hours I'd be in Swinging London, telling the limeys how to do it!

As most young guns can tell you, your first solo international flight is an adventure. The snacks! The romance! The free booze! The trying to sleep in coach! Of course, I partook. And partook. "Keep 'em coming!" says I!

By the time I landed in London, I had spent the entire night drinking and smiling in my little seat, and the cold, humid air of Heathrow was not enough to rouse my rapidly-wearing body.

My boss (the bastard) had somehow talked his way into business class and was smart enough to sleep the whole way. We met up at "baggage reclaim" and hopped in a (client company) car for The City. I was already yawning.

We reached the financial district and headed straight to our all-day meeting. Our bags were whisked to The Thistle ahead of us. The luxury! We strode into the glass and steel Edifice of Importance and met up with a half dozen spotty grotty brits to begin our meeting.

I managed to make it through introductions, taking my seat next to the boss at the head of the table, but then it all came crashing down. The moment I was no longer standing, I felt the flight and the booze and the time difference hit me.  The room became a nursery, with the warm air of the projector lulling me to sleep with its sweet song.

I still don't know what happened in that meeting. Somehow, I avoided getting fired even though I slept through the whole thing. I even kept that London gig for a few more trips!

Did I learn? Hell no! I stayed up late, drank and smoked, and even picked up a local specimen of the female persuasion when my "mates" didn't show. But that's a story for another day!

-Gideon
@No_EPO

Our Newest Blogger...Catherine the Great!

I'm very pleased to introduce our newest blogger - alert consultant Catherine the Great!
Catherine will be posting every two weeks for the Crazy Consultant Blog, and we're thrilled to have her.  Until we work out the kinks on our end - we'll paste her first, most awesome post below.
Welcome Catherine!
-----------------------------------------------------
One of many bizarre consultant behaviors is the ability to type, unceasingly, while staring at a laptop with such intensity as to discourage interruption by colleagues, or worse, clients. Today, I’m working for a Billionaire lunatic, who walks the floor and fires people on the spot if, in his opinion, they aren't working "hard enough". My job is to stabilize and reorganize the company, which I could do very well if the Billionaire would GO HOME. At the moment, there is nothing to do…it happens…lots more than the client knows or could stomach.

So I am slavishly typing away, staring intently at my laptop composing this little missive to you while billing $400 an hour to a client who steadfastly refuses to take my advice, yet extends my contract ad nauseum. While I am thrilled at making my number and potentially getting my 40% bonus, it’s been promised more times than a hillbilly bride. I'll be happy with $25k and an increase in draw.

I keep an excel sheet open at all times, so in the event of an approaching client, I can switch from my horoscope, Gmail or shopping to a massive and complex sheet (I’ve used the same one for years). Of course I don’t worry about being caught. Only fools accept the kind offer of client provided Internet (bait for newbies), which can and will be audited to disprove bills.

There is a firm legend about a brand new analyst who, while working late at a client site, surfed for porn. On the client’s Internet. Yhea….it was baaaaaddd. Analyst fired, bill eaten, lesson learned.

When they know they're leaving...

Saw this in one of the comments on another post and couldn't resist posting it.
Many thanks to Alert Crazy Consultant "Catherine" for the hilarity.

I am restructuring a company and had to interview all staff members of the HR dept. They knew that many would be terminated. One woman arrived in sweatpants and what appeared to be her husbands oversized undershirt. She was holding a tootsie-pop.

During the interview, she unwrapped the lolly and started to ...fellate it.

Seriously.

And I am a woman...

The Perils of Printer Toner

I am not making this up.

This is an actual email chain that went around the client site today.

A little background:
Yesterday, there was a small crisis here at the client site. The printer/copy machine, which is quite large and looks rather like a new-age space shuttle, ran out of toner.

Now, we all have multiple printers loaded on our computers, but none of us really know where any of these other mystery printers are located. Thus, this toner issue was a large problem.

At most offices, the normal protocol in this situation would be to find the nearest admin and beg for help. In this bizarro universe, however, that is not the case. Here, if ANYTHING happens, like if a printer runs out of toner, if you need a new pen, or if you have to go to the bathroom, you have to "OPEN A TICKET." That's right. In the interest of organizational efficiency, nothing may be done here without "opening a ticket."

Now, of course, tickets are not easy to come by. They take time...and they're about as efficient as the DMV. Any good consultant would find a workaround to this issue in about 5 minutes. My good colleague Laurie did just that. Being the proactive c consultant that she is, she noticed that the printer was out of toner and decided to take action. Note - she did NOT open a ticket. For SHAME!
She went to the floor admin, Jerry, and asked what could be done about this problem. The floor admin, who is known to be about as friendly and helpful as an unevolved sloth, told her "I've TOLD you, Laurie. OPEN A TICKET."

Laurie didn't want to do that, so she went to another admin - who is slightly senior to Jerry. The senior admin sent the following email to Laurie, Laurie's boss, and the top client:

From: SENIOR ADMIN
Sent: Tuesday, March 03, 2009 12:37 PM
To: Jerry the Admin [C]; Laurie; Ron the Tech Guy; The Engagement Manager;
Cc: Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner
Importance: High

Laurie, "Engagement Manager" and "Client",

If you need assistance, please submit a ticket to the help desk. Below is the link and the number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. According to "The Boss", "Ron the Tech Guy" should not assist anyone if they do not submit a ticket.

Thank you for your cooperation.

______________________________

Thinking that this information could benefit a number of us, Laurie dutifully forwarded the above email to a few other consultants on the project:

From: Laurie
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:23 AM
To: Crazy Consultant and other Consultants
Cc: Jerry the Admin
Subject: FW: Printer TonerImportance: High

FYI…below is the process for any technology issues including toner issues.
THANKS!

(she included the Senior Admin's instructions)

_________________________
Outraged that Laurie didn't open a ticket, and just generally pissed about the message, Jerry the Admin responded to Laurie, the Engagement Manager, Laurie's Workstream Lead, and the Main Client:

From: Jerry the Admin
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:26 AM
To: Laurie, Engagement Manager, Workstream Lead, and Main Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner

Laurie- I do not understand why you would even need to put me on this email. Everyone on your To: list would have already received the email sent out on behalf of "THE BOSS" which stated the same information. So there is no new process, and no one except for yourself has come to me with this concern, unless they are trying to circumvent the system without doing a ticket. So for further emails please do not include me in your PROCESSES, as I have been with CLIENT X for nearly four years so I do understand the processes.

Thank You,
Jerry the Admin

__________________________________

The moral of the story: OPEN A TICKET if you want to avoid Admin Scorn.

Drills Gone Wild

Sent to us by an alert Consultant in Pittsburgh...

"When I was working in NY at CLIENT SITE X, I was working next to an individual who nearly had her foot drilled into while sitting at her desk. Apparently they were doing construction on the floor below and the drill broke through the floor above— directly under her foot! Fortunately the woman had good reflexes."