Manufactured Spend and Other Stupid Games, or, "I’ve Got A Real Job"

Constant business travelers like me spend lots of time studying the nuances of “loyalty” programs. We make sure we maximize our airline and hotel status, we have a wallet full of credit cards, and we pick our travel providers accordingly. For us, it’s all about minimizing the horrors of travel.

But there’s a whole other world of loony points fiends with quite a different perspective. They’re in the programs to earn rewards and they’ll go to extremes to do it. They book everything through online portals to maximize points, they churn through credit cards for the signup bonuses, and they’ll go to extremes to “manufacture” spending.

I read lots of travel blogs to keep on top of programs. I do this mainly to keep on top of the latest developments (it’s important for me to know what will happen to their programs when American and US Airways merge, for example) and indeed a bit to learn about rewards opportunities. When I started staying at more Hilton properties, I relied on Gary Leff’s advice to suggest which new credit card to sign up for, and the constant barrage of Hyatt/MGM Resorts coverage encourages me to swing their way if only to ease my thankfully-rare trips to Vegas.

But about half of what I read on these blogs is a complete waste of time for me. To wit:

• It seems like most of these folks spent 2013 buying “Vanilla Reload” cards at Staples to get 5% back from the churn. But I can think of lots of easier ways to earn $50 to $100. After all, I have a job.
• Now The Miles Professor is buying PayPal cards at CVS and carefully churning those to earn “$300-$400 per hour”. But at only one $400 hour per 30 days, that’s not much of a payday, is it?
• Leff and others breathlessly exhort folks to sign up for small business credit cards just for the signing bonuses. But airlines and hotels are aggressively devaluing their points and raising redemption rates. And not even Kim Kardashian’s entourage wants a free reward ticket!

Let me reiterate: I have a job. I spend over $100k annually on actual plane tickets, hotel rooms, rental cars, and business meals. To people like me, jumping through hoops to manufacture a few thousand dollars of “spend” in order to earn a free ticket or hotel room is a complete waste of time.

I want benefits. I want to be greeted by name when I return to the same hotel 10 times per year (a pox on the Hilton New York!) I want a whole floor of the Waldorf in Orlando that doesn’t allow kids. I want to sit in first every time, buying an M-class ticket on United so my client thinks it’s a coach seat.

Airlines and hotel chains would be wise to court folks like me and are wise to continue alienating the manufactured spend crowd. Go ahead and cry over your Vanilla Reloads. I’ll have another Manhattan.

Image credit: Awesome Brolly Usage! by Whatleydude

Consultants Do It Better Than Everyone (But Disney)

Aah, vacation! When consultants get to kick back, relax, and spend some hotel points and airline miles. Ko Samui, here I come!

But, even on vacation, I just can't stop consulting! When all you do all day is criticize the crappy way everyone runs their business, vacation isn't all that relaxing. After all, the so-called "hospitality industry" is rife with nepotized C players, indolent idiots, and a slavish attention to all the wrong procedures.

Consider the average luxury resort stay:

• You're greeted by that cesspool of tip-driven ne'er-do-wells, the parking valets. They'll step up and grab your bags (right out of your hand) to "earn" a tip, but can't be bothered to bring your car around in a timely manner. So you have to tip big to make sure you're marked as a big spender, worthy of attention and service.
• Once inside, the well-dressed doorman will direct you to "reception" which, in modern times, has morphed into a disorganized set of high desks with no mechanism to keep the rabble organized. Even the elite desk is mobbed with barefoot rugrats and their parents asking where to get water park tickets.
• Then there's the bellhop, who can't bring your luggage without you yet takes an hour to find your room. "Welcome to the resort! Now sit on your bed while our guy rummages through your bags and smashes the cart into the doors." I'd skip the porter, but then I'd get a reputation at the resort of the kind of guy who does his own laundry and eats at the buffet...
• It's hilarious that "island time" has become a meme, but it's got no place at a luxury resort. Especially embossed on a plaque on the wall at the poolside bar. I don't want "island time" service, I want my damn drink!
• Everything at the resort costs $100. Breakfast for two, drinks by the pool, spa services, a bottle of water, everything. You might as well just bring a stack of Benjamins and hand them to every employee you see. Except for dinner, which costs $100 per person even though it's about Olive Garden quality.
• Your bill will be screwed up. They will charge you twice for dumb auditable things like overnight parking. How can they mess this kind of stuff up yet be able to force the maids to stuff four Kleenex into the box in the shape of a flower?

They could really use a consultant. But not me: It would ruin vacation if I knew just how much the resort management hates guests like me!

The only exception to all this is Disney. Those people are just fantastic. I think they must have management "secret shopping" the parks, noting where to add a water fountain and how to better train employees. Love it!

Photo credit: Fonsen

The Most Disappointing Aspect of the NSA's PRISM Leak? That Crappy PowerPoint...

So the NSA has spent millions to build a secret network to spy on users of the biggest Internet portals. They've got access to just about everything passing through major Internet access points, including perhaps the ability to break through the (default) encryption on many services.

America is reeling. The IT industry is reeling. And I'm in total shock.

I mean, LOOK AT THOSE CRAPPY POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS!

Some idiot chose to include the cost of the program as an aside inset in a timeline of the project? Seriously? And they illustrated it with some generic "stack of money" clipart? These people did not go to business school.

Then there's this timeline slide. This thing is a crime against humanity, the infamous "big green arrow with yellow bubbles" slide. Wait, isn't that the same data from the previous slide, just illustrated even more poorly? What the hell were they trying to say here that they didn't say there?

Oh, I see, this is a different deck. The other one has an official PRISM template, complete with a Google-colored ripoff logo. Presumably both were made in 2013 but by different incompetent office-dwellers. Was one an awful draft? That means the other was approved as the final product. This is just too horrifying to believe.

"Hey boss, we should tell them how awesome we are. We need to tell them that we can even intercept stuff that doesn't come through our datacenters. You know, how that Internet thing works."

"Great idea! Let's illustrate it with a series of lines and circles that isn't a map. And throw in a giant orange text block with bold, underlined text!"

Someone really likes big colored boxes. And green arrows. What better way to inform agents what they can expect to get than a disjoint list of sources and outputs with no specifics?

These people could really use a consultant.

Oh, wait... They had one...

People Who Could Really Use A Consultant...

Today's person: Kellie Pickler

The Office is Closed. It's Depressing.

Weeks when I don't get to watch "The Office" make me cranky.
So- here's some educational material:

The Antithesis of Suave.

Just when you think dating couldn't get any worse, someone like "Jeff" appears.

Last week, a firm had a large party. Clients, area leaders, etc were all present.

The next day, the following email went out (names have been changed to protect the innocent)

-----Original Message-----
Guys,

The e-mail below was sent to our receptionist “ajohnson@...” this morning after XYZ Party. The only problem is that, after a lot of internal sleuthing, it was really meant to go to the assistant curator, who is also an “ajohnson”- except that she doesn’t work here. Here is the kicker: The same fellow sent the same admiring e-mail to our Marketing Manager, Jennifer, only he changed the outfit!

This has provided a lot of entertainment here in our office!!! Now we are trying to narrow down out invite list to figure out who our “Jeff” is!

-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxx
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 12:58 PM
To: zz OfficeSubject:
FW: XYZ Party

This email was in my inbox, I have absolutely no idea who Adrienne or Jeff is…

Jane Doe
Front Desk Manager

Some Firm
ajohnson@somefirm.com

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff [mailto:originalniceguy@xxx.com]
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 9:11 AM
To: ajohnson
Subject: XYZ Party

Adriene

I briefly met you at XYZ Party last night, but was pulled away by my friends before I could really chat with you, but I thought you looked amazing. So beautiful and sexy at the same time with a wonderful smile and great personality. Looked incredible in that rust colored dress. You probably don't remember me - I am tall blond blue eyed atheltic and into Art and Music. I am in the industry. I'd love to take you out for a drink sometime so we can chat.

What do you say?

Jeff
______________________________________

Jennifer

I briefly met you at XYZ Party last night, but was pulled away by my friends before I could really chat with you, but I thought you looked amazing. So beautiful and sexy at the same time with a wonderful smile and great personality. Looked incredible in that pink top, short skirt and knee high socks - wow. You probably don't remember me - I am tall blond blue eyed atheltic and into Art and Music. I am in the industry. I'd love to take you out for a drink sometime so we can chat.

What do you say?

Jeff

The Unfolding Mug Saga

The following email was sent out to a consulting firm’s entire listserv with a Red Exclamation Point denoting its High Priority. (Not joking.)

Addressed to the firm/unknown mug thief:

“You were clever enough to leave my mug out in the kitchen unbeknownst to me and then retrieve it back to the hideout just before I learned of its whereabouts. You win. You are one step ahead of me. Now, please return it. I am no match for you.
My mug is white, has my last name on it and was a recent family gift.”

Naturally, one cannot sit idly by while such mug thievery occurs in broad daylight IN ONE'S WORKPLACE! As a Good Samaritan, I have done my part to help curb these kinds of atrocities through poster below, which I've put up around the office.

Note: Names and identifying traits have been changed to protect the Mug-less.

UPDATE (10/25/07): The mug has been found and returned to its rightful owner.

People Who Could Really Use A Consultant...

Today's People: The Engaged
Reason: For Not Thinking Before Getting Engaged .

Let's hope they don't hyphenate their name(s).

This Really Appeared on Craig's List

No - I am not making this up.
This entry appeared on Craig's list last week in the greater NYC Metropolitan area.

The best part is the response. Honestly - if I could figure out who this guy is I'd want to recruit him. He'd make a GREAT consultant!

Subject: What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York, but live in the City. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives that could send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

People Who Could Really Use a Consultant...

Today's Person: Jorinda Sullivan
REASON: She Lost her Job Because She Wore too Much Perfume

LOST JOB 'OVER MY PERFUME'

October 1, 2007 -- She wore too much Red Door, so they showed her the door.

That's the claim of a Brooklyn woman who says she was fired as a customer-service rep because she wore too much perfume.

Jorinda Sullivan, 24, of Canarsie is suing her former employer, Mindpearl, a customer-service center in Melville, L.I., for $1 million in Brooklyn federal court, claiming that co-workers' complaints about her perfume morphed into thinly veiled racial discrimination.

After complaints about one perfume, Sullivan switched to Elizabeth Arden's signature Red Door - but said she was soon hauled back into the supervisor's office for the same reason.

Later, she was allegedly attacked over her personal hygiene and asked what soap, shampoo and deodorant she used.

At that point, she decided she was being harassed because she is black and complained to the state Division of Human Rights and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

In February, she was fired because, her boss said, she'd been the subject of three customer complaints the previous week.

Vincent Gaines, chairman and CEO of Mindpearl, said, "The company denies any wrongdoing and intends to continue to vigorously contest her claims."

From the New York Post

Didn't we learn on the first day of Business School that one should NEVER wear perfume to work? A good consultant should have informed Jorinda.

We are trying to live in a society here, people!