The Most Disappointing Aspect of the NSA's PRISM Leak? That Crappy PowerPoint...

So the NSA has spent millions to build a secret network to spy on users of the biggest Internet portals. They've got access to just about everything passing through major Internet access points, including perhaps the ability to break through the (default) encryption on many services.

America is reeling. The IT industry is reeling. And I'm in total shock.

I mean, LOOK AT THOSE CRAPPY POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS!

Some idiot chose to include the cost of the program as an aside inset in a timeline of the project? Seriously? And they illustrated it with some generic "stack of money" clipart? These people did not go to business school.

Then there's this timeline slide. This thing is a crime against humanity, the infamous "big green arrow with yellow bubbles" slide. Wait, isn't that the same data from the previous slide, just illustrated even more poorly? What the hell were they trying to say here that they didn't say there?

Oh, I see, this is a different deck. The other one has an official PRISM template, complete with a Google-colored ripoff logo. Presumably both were made in 2013 but by different incompetent office-dwellers. Was one an awful draft? That means the other was approved as the final product. This is just too horrifying to believe.

"Hey boss, we should tell them how awesome we are. We need to tell them that we can even intercept stuff that doesn't come through our datacenters. You know, how that Internet thing works."

"Great idea! Let's illustrate it with a series of lines and circles that isn't a map. And throw in a giant orange text block with bold, underlined text!"

Someone really likes big colored boxes. And green arrows. What better way to inform agents what they can expect to get than a disjoint list of sources and outputs with no specifics?

These people could really use a consultant.

Oh, wait... They had one...

Are ALL Consultants Alcoholics?

Another great, unprompted email - received and submitted by an alert Seattle-based consultant.
Gotta appreciate the assumption that all consultants must inherently be alcoholics. 

From: XXXX XXXXXX
Date: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 2:59 PM
To: CrazyConsultant@gmail.com
Subject: Fwd: Overcome Alcoholism With The Help of a Top Rehab Center.

WTF?!?!???

Was sent to my work email!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Begin forwarded message:

From: Alcohol Addiction Treatment
Date: February 19, 2013, 11:54:28 AM PST
To: <xxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.com>
Subject: Overcome Alcoholism With The Help of a Top Rehab Center.

Should you no longer wish to receive emails from this company click here.
Or mail comments to 427 N. Tatnail St. 52990, Wilmington, DE, 19801.

The Next Time You're Asked for a Bio...

The following paragraph was included at the end of a bio I received last year from a fellow consultant (who, though hilariously brilliant and worthy of endless praise, shall remain nameless here).

"I was a brick layer, a small-town mayor, and accepted Oprah Winfrey as my personal savior.  I have lacked common sense, put my two cents in where it didn’t belong, and actually purchased the latest by 50 Cent.  I proved a theorem showing that the longest-named drink you can order at Starbucks is Double Tall, Nonfat, Half-Caf, Extra Hot Latte macchiato with Whipped Cream, Vanilla, Hazelnut, Almond, Raspberry, and Toffee Nut Syrup, Extra Foam, 2 packets of Sweet 'n' Low, 1 packet of Sugar, 1/2 pack of Equal, and Caramel Sauce.  In keeping with the growing popularity of NASCAR, I have driven… a car to work, a point home, a golf ball a country mile, my boss crazy, and a stake through the heart of my enemies.  I have never sent an email and then immediately run down to that person’s office and said, “Hey, did you get that email I just sent…”  I sat in traffic, bent over backwards, jumped for joy, and I can’t stand it any more.  Dude, I got a Dell.  Yes, I can hear you now.  No, I don’t want to Biggie Size it.  Alright already, I’ll just do it.  Through the magic of late night television, I made some deals, found cool spiked heels, and bought those knives from Ron Popeil.  While I cannot tell the difference between Diet Coke, Coke Zero and Diet Coke with Splenda, I have a developed a customized artificial neural network to discriminate between Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, and Brittany Murphy (who are otherwise indistinguishable).  I was inexplicably passed over for a nomination to the supreme court, but was offered a role in a Vegas revival of Diana Ross and the Supremes."

A Fix for Annoying Passengers

Next time you get on a plane flight or a long bus ride and the guy next to you is an a-hole or the lady won't keep her kids from kicking your back, follow the instructions below...

1. Remove your laptop from your briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven;
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

Sorry Bill...I'd rather kiss my new boss.

This is way too funny not to post. The more you watch the funnier it gets!

In Case You Need a Laugh...

… and I’m guessing we all do…

I would just like to report that moments ago, here at the client site, a rather odd thing transpired:

My colleague, another dutiful consultant, was quietly working at her desk,
When suddenly…

And I am not making this up…

The ceiling fell on her head.

What makes this even more entertaining is the fact that there were several GALLONS of water right above the destroyed ceiling tile.

So not only is the poor woman dirty from material that no doubt contains asbestos, but she (and her laptop) are now also quite wet.

You have to love government consulting.

Where is OSHA when you need it?

Totally Random Thought of the Day

The fenders on my 2009 Toyota Camry rental are filled with black painted Styrofoam to deaden the rattling and squeaking sounds that come from this piece of crap with tires.

Consulting Moment of Zen

I'm in a meeting with my client. She says, "I need you to fly down to {insert name of random small city} tomorrow to get a handle on what's going on with the conversion.". I say, no problem, I'll grab an afternoon flight so we can lay out a plan in the morning.

My client says, "...you actually like traveling, don't you?".

Does that make me a bad person?

Coolness Meter & Client Interaction

So I was with some colleagues, on the way back from a “group outing” to the ladies room, when we all ran into one of our more senior-level clients in the hallway. The woman is a little scary and more than a little crazy, but I actually kind of like her. She sees us and yells out “HEY!”

I yell back.
I have no shame.

She stops, looks at me, and randomly says “You know, I bet you used to be really cool, didn’t you? Like COOL.”

WHAAAT? HUH??

Horrified, I say “WHAT IS THIS “USED TO BE” CRAP???”

USED TO BE????

PAST TENSE???

Shit.
Now this is a problem. Apparently my problems are bigger than we originally thought.

Let it be known: I AM THE EPITOME OF COOL.

NOW…ALWAYS.

Consulting without Pants

I don't think I've ever shared this...

Imagine it: Client Site, Halloween 2006, Houston, TX.

A group of consultants decide to go out for Halloween. The Crazy Consultant ALWAYS dresses as Wonder Woman.
And why shouldn't I?
I have the whole outfit - red boots, cape and all.

At 7 - I meets up with friend Cydney at Cydney's house.
Cydney and Crazy Consultant change clothes - and get completely decked out in Halloween wear.

The two of us head to a popular downtown restaurant, looking for "the party."
At said restaurant, we discover that no one else appears to be dressed up. This is the first sign that the night is not going to do as planned.

We entertain the restaurant in our costumes until a few other of our consultant friends show up - also in costume.

Together we corrupt the City of Houston - in costume.

ALONE in costume.

Friend Cydney decides to return home at about 11pm, and I decide to get a ride back to the hotel with some other consultant friends.

We continue to corrupt the City of Houston.

At 2am, said friends drop me back at the hotel - still in my Wonder Woman costume. I get weird looks from the hotel staff.

The next morning, I hop into the shower, more than slightly hungover.
Freshly clean, I get ready to head to work - until a slight problem arises.

Now. What I haven't mentioned is that I'm a light packer. I don't bring much to the client site each week.

So - that morning, I run into a problem when getting ready for work: I HAVE NO PANTS.

My pants are back at Cydney's - where I got ready for Halloween!! When she went home without me - I walked away from the only pair of pants I brough to Houston!!!!

How the hell does one go to work at the client site without pants???

Now this is an interesting problem - what does one do when stuck in a hotel, running late for work, and without pants?? What CAN ONE DO??



I called my Engagement Manager, who just happens to be the person who dropped me at the hotel the night before. "ACH!! I can't come to work - I don't have any pants!! WE FORGOT TO FACTOR IN MY PANTS!!! I'm STRANDED!!!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I won't tell the client."
Ummm....why the heck would he tell the client?

I called my boss, who happens to be at the same client site. "ACH!! I can't come to work - I don't have any pants!! LONG STORY!!"

I called Cydney. "WHERE THE #>";% ARE YOU? I NEED MY PANTS!!!!! GET OVER HERE NOW!!"

Cydney is nowhere to be found.

So I sat - on my hotel room bed, and waited for pants.

Cydney called an hour later. I convinced her to show up at the hotel with my pants.

Let me tell you - there is NO walk of shame like there is when you show up to the client site at noon - dressed - and without an explanation as to why you are late. Especially when everyone knows by now that you're late because you didn't have any pants.

Lesson learned: Bring SEVERAL pairs of pants each week to the client site.

Well...Despite the Economy...At Least We Have Shrimp Running on Treadmills to Make us Laugh

Who would have thought a little shrimp would become an Internet Sensation?
I mean seriously - who needs Angelina pregnancies when running shrimp can entertain you?

Simply stated: I think it was a slow news day, though supposedly this was done for legitmate scientific reasons. Check it out:

The Borax

Written by Furio

What is a Borax? For various times throughout history, there have been unsubstantiated reports of Borax sightings and most are presented through anecdotal in nature, passed through oral traditions at either the coffee pot or whatever substitutes for the modern office's "water cooler".

Environment
The Borax, it is theorized, is found mainly within corporate environments. It is theorized, through not conclusively proven, that a Borax may be found within all corporate structures within the 48 contiguous United States.

Physical Attributes
The Borax is a large, mostly bald creature with matted hair, generally gray in color, appears to be wind driven and can be found in various states of disarray despite windless days or long periods indoors. When queried, the Borax will explain the lack of cranial hair as the result of over heating or extension of its brain. Behavioral studies have shown that this is not the case and if anything, the lack of cranial hair is due to the lack of brain activity actively stimulating the hair follicles. Field researches observing the Borax face multiple risks including boredom, lack of stimulating effort, frustration (explains the lack of crainial hair upon field researchers), ambiguous guidance, short term notice of large scale changes, pointless meetings, assumption of credit and scope creep.

The Borax most often appears to be advanced in age. While this attribute may appear to be true, it is often unclear as to the exact age of a particular Borax. It is hypothesized that the Borax prematurely ages due to the level of boredom to which it brings to even the most stimulating tasks. Often the Borax is overweight. Due to distorted body issues, this create insists on wearing clothing much too small. Often, the resultant image often takes years of intensive therapy to overcome.

Fecundity and Reproduction
Science has, up to this point, has been mute on the topic of Borax fecundity. It is suppose that the large population of Borax within the United States is due to the continued reproduction of the Borax. Questions remain however, how said Borax would woo another due to the overwhelming boredom they appear to coalesce when present. Supposing the female Borax does, in fact exist, helps account for the large number of Borax alive today.

Borax appear to be male, though it is unclear whether this is due to the fact that male and female Borax bear such resemblance to each other that at a casual glance both appear masculine in appearance. It is, however, a generally accepted principle that female Borax exist though photographic evidence of a female Borax has yet to be found or substantiated. It has been posited that the photographic evidence shot in the Oregon wilderness is not actually a Bigfoot but in fact a female Borax. General behavioral observations have shown that the Borax is camera shy. It is supposed that the close proximity of the Borax to the individuals manning the camera filming the event were in fact Borax themselves.

Conclusion
Though various issues with the Borax are yet to be resolved, it is clear the Borax, long thought to be near extinction, is in fact alive and well. Observes are urged to not approach a Borax unless appropriately attired and prepared. Often encounters are prolonged and the observer feels drained and it is for this reason that no one should attempt to encounter a Borax alone.

It's Time to Figure this Out

Can anyone explain to me why, given that we now have a new President, that the Dow is STILL down over 400 points today?

I really don't get it.

Memorial Day Fashion Update

Fashion Reminder: Fashion rules have changed as of Memorial Day. Please review the following updates:

As a reminder, it is now okay to wear the following:
· White patent leather belts
· White patent leather shoes
· White patent leather purses
· Seersucker suits
· Linen suits
· Straw hats*

*only when south of Washington, DC…

However, the following are still not okay:
· Leisure suits
· Plaid pants

This is just amazing

Nothing to do with anything...

but wow.

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=0k4lsi1dql

Consulting with Dilbert

State of the Union....It's Tonight....

Asbsolutely, Positively DO NOT WATCH UNLESS YOU"RE USING THIS:

http://www.drinkinggame.us/

Who Here Travels?

And just how knowledgeable are you about this TRAVEL???
Hmmmm?

Check this out: http://www.travelpod.com/traveler-iq

and then leave us your score and your firm in the comment section.

This is officially a contest, people.

The Year's Best (Actual) Headlines

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [hmm!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right?]

The Great Pie Debacle of 2007

Let's be honest: this has absolutely nothing to do with consulting.

NONETHELESS...it's being posted.

Here's the background:

Back in 1996, just under a year after my grandmother died, my grandpa married grandma's best friend. He was 88, she was 85.
Go Grandpa! He apparently likes the younger women.

Enter the entire extended family with whom we now have to spend every holiday.
Cough...I mean...step-grandma's extended family.
Let's just say that they don't like us very much.

Most of them are Fundamentalist Christians, and think we (my mom, dad and younger sister) are a bad influence on the world in general, which is probably true.

Everyone knew things were going to go south when, one or two years into Grandpa and Step-Grandma's marriage, my family went to Easter at their house. As usual, we spent the full hour car ride arguing en route to the "Party." When we arrived, we were hardly thrilled to be there.
My mom knocked on the door with attitude.
(Track with me on this) Step-Grandma's Daughter's Second Husband's Father, who just happens to be an 85-year-old, uber-Christian PREACHER, answered the door.
He greeted us with "Happy Easter!"
My mother, who later would disavow any and all knowledge of this event, returned his greeting with "Yeah - Crappy Easter to you, too."

So began our relationship with Step-Grandma's extended family.

Now, a little over 10 years later, we're all used to each other. They don't like us any better, but they're used to having us around.

The Thanksgiving routine is constant: there is lots of jello salad, the same people bring the same things, and everyone is very "proper." The women cook and clean, and the men watch.
Generally I'm able to stay out of it, since I live far from the family now, and because I have strategically avoided sharing my email address with anyone even remotely related to the group outside my immediate family.

The Bliss ended this year when my mother got the bright idea to share it with everyone. Now I'm screwed and on the email list.

Here's how the last two weeks have been spent. I'm calling it the Great Pie Debacle of 2007.

I am not making this up, and have included my commentary in red.

First email:

Jan (Step-Grandma's Daughter in law) wrote:
> Hello Everyone,
> Just wanted to confirm that everyone is invited to our house for Thanksgiving at 2:00 pm! We'll provide the roast turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, and Sara's (Step-Grandma) legendary cornbread stuffing! (Spencer (who is about 10) may also experiment with a recipe from one of his cookbooks.) Let me know what ya'all would like to contribute...

> If any of the additional clan, or any other friends or family can join us - please do! (Please let me know numbers so we can set up seating.)
>
> Happy Holidays!
Jan

Response #2

Hi -
Sounds great for Thanksgiving. I can bring a molded salad.
Mary Anne (my actual aunt)

What in the world is a molded salad? I'm guessing it involves Jell-O.

Response #3

I'll bring some pies.

Evelyn (Jan's Mom - who ALWAYS brings the pies)

Response #4

Evelyn
I originally said I would bring salad, but I would be happy to bring pies instead if you would like a change.
Connie (Step-Grandma's daughter)

Ooooh! Bring it! Evelyn ALWAYS brings the pies. This is like challenging Evelyn, who is about 80, to a duel.

Response #5

Evelyn:

What would you trade for one of your pies?

John (my Dad - trying to be funny but coming off as a jackass)

Reponse #6

They are priceless.
Mary Anne (Dad's Sister - the only one appreciating my Dad's jackass-ness)

Response #7

Thanks Connie, I really do want to make pies.
Evelyn
uh oh - Evelyn's bringing it!!

Response #8

Evelyn and Jan, Sorry! I just thought you might have been interested in a change because you have so faithfully spoiled us at every gathering. I have to admit that I am pleased to be able to look forward to your pies. It was a scary thought to try baking in your shadow. Jan, I will go back to bringing a salad unless there is something else you need to fill in.
Connie

Oh and Connie CAVES under the pie pressure!!
She's relegated to bringing salad once again.

Welcome to my family, or non-family, to be more precise.

Next time I'll tell you about the time my mother sat at the dinner table and pretended to have an orgasm (imitating "When Harry Met Sally") in front of the extended family, including the Fundamentalist Christian Preacher, his wife, and a few others.

Now THAT was a good time.