Showing posts with label consulting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label consulting. Show all posts

Friday, November 2, 2018

Tears in the Rain: From Architecture to Marketecture?

I've been a little quiet lately because I've shifted my focus a bit. New firm, new focus. AKA different day, same old shit. It took me a little while to get settled in but now that the polish has worn off my new shoes I'm ready to start complaining again. Are you with me?


So this is my first time around startups instead of big firms. But even so, I think readers of the Crazy Lives will recognize relevance in what's happening here. I'm still consulting, it's just now I'm consulting on marketing to people like me instead of saying no to people marketing to me. Oh what fun!

I feel like I've gone to the dark side sometimes. Other times I feel like it's the smart side. But we're talking business and consulting here, so it's definitely the dumb side all around!

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe" and all that...

Anyway, welcome! Let's explore exploit mock this new world together! You can find me on Twitter, too, as @No_EPO, a reference no one seems to get.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Do Big 4 consultants have deep tech skill(s)?

I thought you all might enjoy reading this piece by Keith Townsend: Do Big 4 consultants have deep tech skill?


"In the end, the value of hiring a Big 4 management consultant is that you get a broad range of knowledge and the capability to answer tough business questions. A good adviser will help you ask the right questions and guide you to partners that can help create and implement detailed execution. I would not hire a Big 4 to deliver the technical portion of a project. I’d wouldn’t hesitate to engage them to help provide some rigor and oversight but not manage the actual execution."
It's always fun to hear what an ex-Big 4 consultant thinks of his old life. It's also fun to see him dance around what he really wants to say.

So are you saying I'll help you "ask the right questions" or "answer tough business questions?" I imagine it's going to be one of those two.

And as for hiring me to implement, I'm sorry, but I'm a consultant. We don't actually do what we propose.


Monday, April 22, 2013

Use Whoever's On The Bench

Warming the Bench by LouisRiley
Lots of people are aware of the old "bait and switch" perpetrated by the Big Firms: Show up with Mr. Incredible during sales, then staff the project with Jane and Joe College once the contract comes in. Maybe Incredible turns in the final report and attends a few dinners, but he really had nothing to do with the project.

Many folks don't realize it, but small firms do just the opposite. When all you've got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. And when Bob is "on the bench" he instantly becomes an expert at everything.

I have always been pretty easy to bill. Too easy, in my opinion, since I was always billing! But my firm was loaded with odd experts and expert oddballs who seem to spend too long on the bench.

Instead of firing the oddballs, most firms will find a spot for them. I've been asked to "massage" the resume of various dead wood staff, adding my own bullet points to their skimpy skills. I've even been asked to portray them as experts and "support them remotely" when they had a question!

What a racket! Big or small, clients should watch out for the switch. And wannabe consultants should be wary of both situations, since games like these can really affect your reputation!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Quick! They Have Money! Propose Something!

Everyone knows consultants are driven by money, but most don't realize just how "coin operated" their firms can be. Just like a cigarette machine, most consulting firms will happily devour your last dollar!

There was the rare case where I was on the receiving end of this crazy consulting business…

I had joined a small firm looking for more reward. And that's just what I got when times were good. But once things turned south, I was the only one keeping the company afloat. Seriously - I was the only billable resource actually billing!

Then something surreal happened: The CEO called in a friend to do some consulting. On our firm. For big bucks.

Suddenly I understood how "the locals" felt when I rode into town! I knew what the company needed: More billing and less lounging and paperwork pushing! Why not just ask me?

Mr. Friendly decided that we needed to increase our billability (gosh, ya think?) and sales effectiveness (seriously!) so proposed that we hit up all our past clients in search of someone with money. That was his proposal. Really.

So that's what we did. It was "all hands on deck" and "man the oars" and some other nautical nonsense as we started ringing up everyone we knew looking for loose change.

The mission wasn't to find work that needed to be done; rather we were "tasked to find budget" regardless of need, skill, or desire. And find budget we did!

Somehow, dozens of customers loosened up their wallets and ponied up for services right when we needed them most. But what would we do? We devised a "rapid assessment" with "actionable next steps" and sold a dozen at $10k each. Then I headed out to deliver the garbage at the first company. After puking out ten easy steps, I turned in my homework and expected to move on to the next.

But a funny thing happened instead: A bunch of junior consultants magically appeared (temps!) and they "delivered" in my place! They marched in, sat through meetings, and handed over THE EXACT SAME REPORT I had prepared. Easy money!

That was enough for me. I quit. But the company did fine. In fact, they are still out there, probably still selling my answers.

Photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/oimax/

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Client is Always Wrong

The hardest-learned lesson for any young consultant is how to be wrong. After all, you're the expert, right? But we're all painfully aware of our own limitations; otherwise we'd be in sales!

It's important for a good consultant to acknowledge and admit his limitations. It can even become a sport! Once you're gray enough, you can plead ignorance to almost anything and still get the gig!

I once admitted to the client's main point of contact that, until that meeting, I had never even heard of the product I was developing requirements for! Never mind that I knew it pretty well; I just wanted to see what he'd do! Of course, he kept the project going. After all, he had picked our firm…

But have you ever noticed that the client is almost never right? In fact, it's fair to say that the client is always wrong about everything, from requirements to the final punch list.

This may just be the hardest-learned lesson for an old consultant to face: You're going to tell them one thing and they'll do whatever they decide anyway. The best you can hope for is to convince them, through and through, all of them, that your way is best.

If you can't get real heartfelt buy-in, you're just as bad as they say consultants are!

Whatever. You know we're all even worse!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Email Listserv Privileges Gone Awry

Who remembers this?  
The best example EVER of what happens when someone accidently sends an email intended for one office to an entire worldwide management consulting firm (of 20,000+ employees). 

Names have been redacted to prevent major embarrassment.

THE EMAIL 

> From: XXXXXXX
> To: XXXXXXXXXX, All Users
> Sent: Tuesday, July, 2007 7:02 PM
> Subject: Missing Keys
> If anyone found a set of missing keys this morning please contact Kerri at 74041.
>  
> Thank you,
> Kerri
> Kerri XXXXXX
> Sr. Administrative Assistant

THE RESPONSE: 

> From: XXXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 9:55 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>  
> Kerri,
>  
> We could not find any forgotten keys out here in Izmir, Turkey. Sorry.
> XXXXXX
> Senior Consultant,
> Emerging Markets Practice
> -----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXXXX XXXXXX
> Sent: Wed 8/1/2007 1:30 AM
> To: XXXXX; ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>  
> Sorry nothing in Kabul Afghanistan.....best of luck in the world wide search!
> -----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXX XXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 8:41 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
> I think I might've found them...oh, nope. Nevermind, false alarm, it's my trailer key.
> Nothing in Baghdad either. Good luck! 
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: XXXX XXXXXXXX
> To: All Users
> Sent: Wed Aug 01 06:51:08 2007
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
>
> This is Amman, Jordan checking in -- we found some keys, but it turned out they were for the Treasury in the ancient city of Petra.
>  
> XXXXXXXXXXX || Senior Manager,
> From: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
> Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2007 06:53:52
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: Re: Missing Keys
>
> I'm not in the Riyadh office yet, but there weren't any there yesterday when we left.  We'll check again this morning.
> Good luck from Saudi Arabia...
>
> Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Device
> XXXXXXXXXXXXX
> Senior Consultant
>-----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 4:13 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: Re: Missing Keys
>
> Nothing out here in Jeddah either
-----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 4:28 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
> We've spent the morning checking all of our tents and mud huts here in Southern Sudan, but haven't found anything yet. Will let you know if we find something.
>
> XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
> Manager
>

Monday, February 16, 2009

Totally Random Thought of the Day

The fenders on my 2009 Toyota Camry rental are filled with black painted Styrofoam to deaden the rattling and squeaking sounds that come from this piece of crap with tires.

Consulting Moment of Zen

I'm in a meeting with my client. She says, "I need you to fly down to {insert name of random small city} tomorrow to get a handle on what's going on with the conversion.". I say, no problem, I'll grab an afternoon flight so we can lay out a plan in the morning.

My client says, "...you actually like traveling, don't you?".

Does that make me a bad person?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

When You're Too Platinum with the Hotel

Good Consultants!

Like you, I have Platinum Status with just about ever hotel, airline, rental car agency, and liquor store in the Continental United States. DOUBLE Platinum with some, I'd like to point out.

Now, let me tell you a tale of a crazy consultant who officially reached "Too Platinum' status with the Intercontinental Hotel Group.

It all began at the hotel reception desk one rainy Monday evening in Connecticut.

Zineb (Nice Moroccan hotel receptionist): Welcome back Crazy Consultant!! We missed you!
Me: That's sad - it's only been since Thursday, but thank you!
Zineb: Guess what - you've been upgraded this week to our best Executive Suite!
Me: (feeling exceptionally special and quite deserving of this great honor) Thank you, Zineb.
Zineb: Justin (cool bell hop) will bring your bags up to the room. Enjoy!

Still feeling very important and righteous, I made my way to room 241.
THE EXECUTIVE SUITE, PEOPLE.
I opened the door to quite the spectacular architectural space.
The rooms were massive.
To the left - a bathroom straight out of the Bellagio. To the right, a 10-person Mahogany conference room table. On the wall - a matching mahogany white board.
Armoires....dressers....televisions...a couch...the Executive Suite was perfect.

Justin (cool bell hop) arrived shortly with my bags. He came in and said "wow - nice room."
"Damn right" I thought. "I'm pretty awesome with my Platinum Status"
He set my bags down and started to leave.
It was about that time that I noticed something, shall we say, ODD, about the room.
I couldn't quite put my finger on it...so I wandered around a bit (still feeling deserving and important). Justin was out the door and heading for the elevators when I figured out what the problem was.

The room had no bed.

Apparently I have acheived such status with the hotel that they fundamentally now assume that I don't require sleep.

I am not making this up.

This is when you know you're too platinum.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

10 Ways Lazy Stupid Coworkers Can Help Boost Your Career

Sent by an alert reader who also runs a blog.

10 Ways Lazy Stupid Coworkers Can Help Boost Your Career
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 1:26am by admin
By Jessica Hupp

Lazy coworkers may seem like a nuisance, but in reality, they offer a number of excellent opportunities to improve your professional life. Whether you’re simply outshining them, or being forced to innovate, those dolts you work with might actually be doing you a favor. Here, we’ll take a look at 10 ways they’re giving you a hand.

You’ll look better in comparison: First and foremost, a lazy coworker makes it easy for you to look good. Assuming you’re not just as lazy and stupid as your coworkers, having a few fools around can raise your perceived value. Yes, your boss really does notice.

Picking up the slack: By doing the work your coworkers are too incompetent to do, you’ll shine and be praised for your willingness to help out the team. Just be sure to make sure this doesn’t go unnoticed.

They’ll motivate you to do better: Chances are, your lazy, stupid coworkers of today were just like you yesterday-they’ve just become accustomed to a routine of slacking and underperforming over the years. You can use their attitude as a motivator to do better things, whether that means working harder to advance yourself, or breaking out of the rat race to create your own business.

They don’t bother recognizing opportunities: If your coworkers are too stupid and lazy to even do their own jobs, you can bet there’s a good chance they wouldn’t notice or care if an opportunity smacked them in the face. That means that you’re more likely to stumble upon and take advantage of a great idea, such as volunteering to head up a new and much needed committee that will grant you high profile success.

You’ll be able to work less: Working with slow coworkers often means that your work tends to trickle in as well. You should be able to run laps around them, freeing yourself up for career-advancing special projects.

Your suggestions for improvements will be noticed: If no one else cares enough to say anything about improving your workflow, bringing these issues to your boss can raise you to the level of confidant, and it shows that you care. These are great seeds to plant for future advancement.

You’ll become everyone’s new best friend: Again, underperforming coworkers often give you an opportunity to do things beyond your normal job scope. This leaves you open to help out in other departments and become more helpful and visible to your entire organization.

They’ll fill you in on the latest gossip: There’s one thing lazy coworkers are great at keeping up with, and that thing is gossip. Use them to keep informed about who’s leaving, what positions are opening up, and where your company is going in the future.

They’re open mikes: Another way gossip-loving lazy coworkers help is through their gift of gab. Pass along a rumor that you’re doing well or that you’re expected to receive a specific promotion, and this information just might land upon and influence ears that matter.

Sharing credit makes you look like a leader: When you swoop in to save the day after your stupid coworker did something inept, you’ll be the hero that got the job done. This is especially useful if you share credit with the dummy that started it all, because you’ll be perceived as the leader that brought everything together.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Nature Calling

One often overlooked aspect of consulting is that we are guests in our client's offices. Working with a New York Investment Bank? Sweet office overlooking the harbor! High tech company in California? Latest office environment on a campus! Average low-margin business headquarters in Columbus, OH? Not so much...

This post is about the unspoken... the invisible... the unavoidable... the client's bathroom.

The best I've ever seen? Client in Rochester, NY - one of only 3 people of my gender on the floor. Might as well have been a private bathroom built for 20. Spotless. Odorless. Always well stocked. Almost nicer than my private office.

The worst? Oh no...
- why do the contractors from another planet need to wash their face, neck, arms, etc. and splash all over the counters? So nasty.
- I'm all for dental hygiene, but brushing your teeth in a place that smells like a zoo cage is just nasty
- there's no reason why you can't get it into the porcelain unit. The floor is for your feet. Practice at home.
- lighting is nice, although seeing might be worse than imagining
- noises. Need I say more?
- smells. Don't architects understand the need for ventilation? When you can smell it from the hallway, and start considering the trees out in back of the building, it's time for a fan people!!!

Some advice for my colleagues:
1) go before you leave the hotel
2) scout around. Look for the bathrooms closest to the executive offices. Carry a notebook and look like you're going to a meeting.
3) use those paper seat covers (if you can get them out of the dispenser). Those nasty germs will eat right through anything but titanium, but it will make you feel better
4) don't touch that newspaper on the floor. Get reading glasses if you must.
5) wash your hands. seriously.
6) hold it until you get back to the hotel

- your Consulting SME ... :-)