Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Next Time You're Asked for a Bio...

The following paragraph was included at the end of a bio I received last year from a fellow consultant (who, though hilariously brilliant and worthy of endless praise, shall remain nameless here).

"I was a brick layer, a small-town mayor, and accepted Oprah Winfrey as my personal savior.  I have lacked common sense, put my two cents in where it didn’t belong, and actually purchased the latest by 50 Cent.  I proved a theorem showing that the longest-named drink you can order at Starbucks is Double Tall, Nonfat, Half-Caf, Extra Hot Latte macchiato with Whipped Cream, Vanilla, Hazelnut, Almond, Raspberry, and Toffee Nut Syrup, Extra Foam, 2 packets of Sweet 'n' Low, 1 packet of Sugar, 1/2 pack of Equal, and Caramel Sauce.  In keeping with the growing popularity of NASCAR, I have driven… a car to work, a point home, a golf ball a country mile, my boss crazy, and a stake through the heart of my enemies.  I have never sent an email and then immediately run down to that person’s office and said, “Hey, did you get that email I just sent…”  I sat in traffic, bent over backwards, jumped for joy, and I can’t stand it any more.  Dude, I got a Dell.  Yes, I can hear you now.  No, I don’t want to Biggie Size it.  Alright already, I’ll just do it.  Through the magic of late night television, I made some deals, found cool spiked heels, and bought those knives from Ron Popeil.  While I cannot tell the difference between Diet Coke, Coke Zero and Diet Coke with Splenda, I have a developed a customized artificial neural network to discriminate between Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, and Brittany Murphy (who are otherwise indistinguishable).  I was inexplicably passed over for a nomination to the supreme court, but was offered a role in a Vegas revival of Diana Ross and the Supremes."

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