Thursday, February 28, 2013

Our Newest Blogger...Catherine the Great!

I'm very pleased to introduce our newest blogger - alert consultant Catherine the Great!
Catherine will be posting every two weeks for the Crazy Consultant Blog, and we're thrilled to have her.  Until we work out the kinks on our end - we'll paste her first, most awesome post below.
Welcome Catherine!
One of many bizarre consultant behaviors is the ability to type, unceasingly, while staring at a laptop with such intensity as to discourage interruption by colleagues, or worse, clients. Today, I’m working for a Billionaire lunatic, who walks the floor and fires people on the spot if, in his opinion, they aren't working "hard enough". My job is to stabilize and reorganize the company, which I could do very well if the Billionaire would GO HOME. At the moment, there is nothing to do…it happens…lots more than the client knows or could stomach.

So I am slavishly typing away, staring intently at my laptop composing this little missive to you while billing $400 an hour to a client who steadfastly refuses to take my advice, yet extends my contract ad nauseum. While I am thrilled at making my number and potentially getting my 40% bonus, it’s been promised more times than a hillbilly bride. I'll be happy with $25k and an increase in draw.

I keep an excel sheet open at all times, so in the event of an approaching client, I can switch from my horoscope, Gmail or shopping to a massive and complex sheet (I’ve used the same one for years). Of course I don’t worry about being caught. Only fools accept the kind offer of client provided Internet (bait for newbies), which can and will be audited to disprove bills.

There is a firm legend about a brand new analyst who, while working late at a client site, surfed for porn. On the client’s Internet. Yhea….it was baaaaaddd. Analyst fired, bill eaten, lesson learned.

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