The Coming Apocalypse

Signs of the coming Apocalypse

Welcome to my first post. I decided, after much deliberation, to base my first post on the coming of the apocalypse. Silly you say? Get real? Well, dear reader, let me present you with several recent occurrences that this blogger believes to be proof positive that the end of the world is neigh.

1. Two headed turtle: What, pray tell, does a two headed turtle have to do with the oncoming apocalypse? First, let me say that it is common knowledge amongst end of the world aficionados that a rise in animal birth defects has been directly correlated to the end of the world. Still don't believe me? Just wait! http://www.livescience.com/imageoftheday/siod_070928.html

2. Need I say more?
http://limnology.wisc.edu/personnel/pieter/Hidden%20Stuff/amphibpictures.htm

(Apparently, yes, see below)

3. Client returning from Detail (you didn't think I'd bring this back around, did you?). Not even back yet and his actions are already sowing the seeds of discord. Why complain you ask? Well, if acting as a personal admin by making copies, drafting emails, replenishing paper, pens and general office supplies and scheduling PERSONAL meetings isn't enough, taking long walks while sipping cocoa and going to books stores, moving furniture and acting as personal movers ought to do the trick.

Ok, admittedly the entire "world" might not come crashing down around you, but for some of us, its time to bend over and kiss our proverbial, job satisfaction good bye!

That is all.....for now.

I don't think that was in the S.O.W...

I just cleaned out the client's refrigerator.
No - I am not making this up.
The damn thing really smelled. Like REALLY smelled. To the point that we were all starting to think that either someone down the hall had really bad BO, or that maybe a wet dog had snuck into the office, hidden, and then spontaneously died. Wet, dead dog smell.
Nope!

It was the fridge.

The problem was, the source of the stench wasn't obvious.
I started with the top shelf. There were three yogurts - all mine - and all within the expiration date. There was also a mysterious piece of tupperware containing...nothing, and a ziploc bag of strawberries. Nothing smelly.

Bottom shelf: my liter of gatorade - available to anyone should they show up to work hungover. The gatorade is almost gone, but not smelly. Then we have the nearly empty jar of peanut butter. Weird looking, but not smelly. A turkey sandwich. Not smelly. OOOH! Goat cheese. Somewhat rancid, but still within the expiration date. Kind of smelly.

A little miffed that there wasn't an obvious culprit, I just pulled everything out. I threw away the goat cheese just to be safe, and then strategically placed the garbage can out in the hallway. Let the hallway smell if it must, just not our office!

Maybe what this fridge needed was a good dose of lysol. The thing is, the client is too cheap to have lysol. What we have is this yellow aerosol can that says "Spray and Disinfect!" The exclamation point is apparently to suggest that I should be excited about cleaning.
I'm not.

I sprayed the whole thing.
Still smelled like wet, dead dog.
Tomorrow I'm bringing in Lysol and Baking soda.

In fact, it smells so bad that I think I need to leave. I'm leaving.

We have brought new meaning to the term "scope creep."

When Good Project Managers Do Bad Things

Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation

PORTLAND, OR-Ron Butler left behind a 48-slide presentation explaining his tragic decision, coworkers reported.

You Know You're in the Right Industry When Chain Emails Compare Your Job to Prostitution

If you are easily offended, please do not read on...

Sent by an alert consultant in Florida:

ARE YOU A CONSULTANT OR A HOOKER?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend).

14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."

15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

25. Every day you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

When Cockroaches Take Over the Client Site Bathroom....and Other Scary Stories

Given all the recent scandal surrounding the good Senator Larry Craig, bathroom etiquette has been at the top of mind lately. I mean - I'm now very much aware of what the feet in the stall next to me are doing. Here at the client site I'm currently at, we have designated our bathrooms as "No-Tap Zones," just to prevent any and all foot-tapping related/Larry Craig-type issues.

This morning at approximately 10:54 I went down the hall to the bathroom. By 10:55 I secured a stall. Trying to be an alert bathroom-user, I glanced at the feet of the person next to me - just to make sure they were complying with the "no-tap regulations."

Thank God, the person was complying.

What was unfortunate, however, was the fact that two large cockroaches were innocuously loitering near the feet of my compliant neighbor. One seemed to notice me, and started making his way into MY stall.

Now - let me pose this very important question:

What is proper etiquette in this situation?

Does one:

a) let it go and pretend to ignore said large cockroaches

b) scream loudly and create sudden bathroom panic, or

c) Immediately leave stall without flushing, etc.

I opted for choice A. The problem was, I didn't want to lift my feet in fear of being seen as a "bathroom foot tapper." Knowing my luck, if I did, the person in the stall next to me would flash a police badge under the stall wall and point at the nearest exit.

Crap. No pun intended.

Trying to maintain a modicum of poise as the two cockroaches were now making themselves at home in my stall, I kept quiet. They're cockroaches - they can survive nuclear war - show some damn respect!

I left the stall at approximately 10:57am. At the sink, three more cockroaches appeared on the floor. They tried to look innocent, but these guys were clearly taking steroids or something. Either that or they've been drinking the mysteriously discolored liquid that comes from the client site drinking fountain. I swear one actually LOOKED at me.

My hands were now clean but I felt exceedingly dirty, surrounded by all these unnaturally large arthropods.

I grabbed a paper towel, hit the button that makes the door automatically open (God forbid I should touch the door handle) and exited the bathroom. It was now 10:58.

Reporting back to the project team, we have all been avoiding the bathroom since that time. It is now 2:25pm. The problem is...I kind of have to go to the bathroom again.

I think I'm going to start using the one down the street at Starbucks. I can always use more caffeine anyway. Plus - there's only one stall there, so no one can accuse me of tapping my feet in a questionable manner.

_____________________________

UPDATE:

For those of you who are not familiar with the Larry Craig scandal, shame on you. Read a newspaper.

Or...fine...just watch this - a genius Dragnet-style re-enactment of the "issue" that appeared on MSNBC:

It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day" at the Client Site.

No. I am not making this up.

I walked into work this morning, and there are posters up everywhere that say "It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day!" These posters are complemented by the occasional cut-out of a pirate's head.

The sad thing is, I actually got excited for a second.
"It is? COOL!"

Wait.

No. Not cool.

Apparently this is a real thing. http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

There's even a newsletter you can subscribe to, called, of course "The Poopdeck."

Wonderful.

Apparently I just have a sub-par calendar, since I wasn't aware of this magnanimous holiday.

Go figure.

This is when you know it's time to roll-off the project.

Client dysfunction.

Will someone please explain to me why clients repeatedly ask for copies of the project plan when they don't have MS Project?

It makes no sense.

I send copies, and they're happy. Yet they can't ever open them.

No logic.

Best Places to Stay 2007

Well well well...as if each and every one of us couldn't have single-handedly crafted this article ourselves. That said...it's kind of nice to know if my opinion is WAY OFF as compared to everyone else. I'm a Marriott gal, personally, and occasionally can be considered a Starwood whore if The W is even tangentially involved.

Anyway - check out what everyone else apparently thinks:

From the current issue of Consulting Magazine...

"Let’s face it: There may be no profession better suited to determine the best places to stay. Where business is, consultants will travel accordingly. And travel. And travel. For decades, you and your fellow consultants have found new ways to redefine the term “road warrior.” As a profession, you are battle tested, and you have the scars to prove it. Not that you’re complaining. Lots of travel means lots of business, and so far, 2007 is no exception. The profession continues to bounce back in a big way from the doldrums of just a few years ago, and as such you must take to the road to meet client demands – even if it means packing all your mouthwash and toothpaste in quantities of three ounces or less..."

Rest of the article can be found at:

http://www.consultingmag.com/articles/555/1/Best-Places-to-Stay-2007/Best-Places-to-Stay-2007.html

No More Middle Seat Hell.

Check this out

http://www.seatguru.com/

The ultimate source for airplane seating, in-flight amenities and airline information.

No more Middle Seat Hell.

Business School Admissions

This essay comes from an unknown writer, but apparently got the person accepted into a good MBA program. Sounds like they'd make a pretty damn good consultant, too.

3A. ESSAY

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF [OUR BUSINESS SCHOOL] TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty- Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I do not yet have an MBA.

Consultants Who are Easily Offended Should Not Read On...

Performance Evaluation Quotes Taken from Actual Performance Evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"Hope you guy's get this, if not tooooooooooo bad..."

Courtesy of http://scobypoker.com/jokes/reality.phtml

It Starts.

Here's the deal:

If you're a consultant, you're Type A and certifiably insane.

Join the club.

We like insanity, or we wouldn't be in this business.

The insane are welcome here. Welcome with open arms.

To put this is a format we are all familiar with, let's use bullet points:

On this blog, we want to hear:

• your crazy client experiences
  
• any new additions to the "consultantese" language
  
• business school nightmares


• "synergies" you've successfully "leveraged"
  
• which airlines suck, and which ones are good


• which airports to avoid, and which ones have decent bars/restaurants/lounges
  
• firms: the good, the bad, the insane


• good sites to pull "IC" from


• anything else you can come up with

The only rule is, just so none of us get a good ass-kicking from the likes of Cancer-man or some Partner/MD, come up with a good (and preferably entertaining) alias if you're going to comment or post. Okay? That's about it.

Chop Chop, people.

Go forth and leverage synergies.