An Ode To The Madness That Is Teleconferencing

Thank you for calling WonderCall! Please enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

Look up meeting ID
Try to memorize stupidly-long meeting ID
4815
1623
42#

Invalid meeting ID. Please re-enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

Fuck! Re-check and re-momorize meeting ID

  Please enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

Give me a second!
4815162342#

Please enter the meeting passcode and then press the pound sign.

There's a passcode? Crap! What's that? Oh, there it is, in the body of the email!
1138#

Invalid passcode. Please try re-entering the passcode and then press the pound sign.

WTF? I know that's right!
1138#

Please enter your participant number and then press the pound sign. If you do not have a participant number, just press pound.

What the hell? I need a participant number?
Screw it!
#

This call requires a participant number. Please re-enter your participant number, followed by the pound sign.

Seriously? I need to connect on the computer, too?Hang up.
Boot up computer
Launch Calendar app
Locate and click on crazy-long URL
Crap! It doesn't work in Safari!
Launch Chrome
Cut and paste crazy-long URL
Install a custom application
Try the URL again
Finally! There's my participant number!

Thank you for calling WonderCall! Please enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

I got it memorized now...
4815162342#

Please enter the meeting passcode and then press the pound sign.

What was that again? Oh yeah!
1138#

Please enter your participant number and then press the pound sign. If you do not have a participant number, just press pound.

42#

The meeting has not yet started or the organizer has not yet arrived. Please hang up and try again later.

Throw phone through wall.

Receive angry email from client asking why I skipped his call...

Delta: Get Your Sh*t Together

Brought to you by alert blogger Catherine Sloper

Dear Delta,

I have been faithful in a slavish, fetishist way for years. I pay more; take circuitous routes and inconvenient flights to accommodate you. I hoard my points, hoping to score free first class tickets.

However, your behavior last week was nearly a breaking point in our relationship.

I admit, I was cutting it fine on the LGA/CHS flight, but seriously, 90 minutes should be enough padding to get me to the meeting on time. You blew it, boys, and with no explanation. How about a little announcement when we sit on the runway FOR AN HOUR? But we’re cool, it’s all good.

Until I tried to go home.

All I want to know is how a (late) incoming flight can suddenly have major maintenance problems? Your gate agents- those angels of upgrades -  announced that there were issues that required paperwork and that we would board shortly. An hour later, those same agents repeated “shortly”, and a quick half hour after that, we were onboard. We sat for another hour, with more maintenance problems, and were towed back to the gate.

The angry hoard lined up to get on the next flight and you offered us….fifty dollars on our next flight. Seriously? I just paid $800 for the pleasure of being stuck in a backwater and you are giving me fifty dollars? To be fair, I was also gifted with a six dollar meal coupon redeemable at the one filthy bar, where greasy sandwiches are $8.50. Not that I care. I ordered some spanx-inducing garbage and two vodkas which I expensed anyway.

Nine hours later, I stumbled through my door and collapsed.

Delta, I want you to know that even though I’m angry at you, right now, it’s not over between us. I am tied like a 50s housewife to you – too far in to leave – too close to higher status and free tickets. I’ll take your abuse, your indifference and unapologetic behavior. I know that every so often, you’ll bump me up to the front, where it’s not just a bigger seat, but a better life.

Use Whoever's On The Bench

Warming the Bench by LouisRiley

Lots of people are aware of the old "bait and switch" perpetrated by the Big Firms: Show up with Mr. Incredible during sales, then staff the project with Jane and Joe College once the contract comes in. Maybe Incredible turns in the final report and attends a few dinners, but he really had nothing to do with the project.

Many folks don't realize it, but small firms do just the opposite. When all you've got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. And when Bob is "on the bench" he instantly becomes an expert at everything.

I have always been pretty easy to bill. Too easy, in my opinion, since I was always billing! But my firm was loaded with odd experts and expert oddballs who seem to spend too long on the bench.

Instead of firing the oddballs, most firms will find a spot for them. I've been asked to "massage" the resume of various dead wood staff, adding my own bullet points to their skimpy skills. I've even been asked to portray them as experts and "support them remotely" when they had a question!

What a racket! Big or small, clients should watch out for the switch. And wannabe consultants should be wary of both situations, since games like these can really affect your reputation!

How NOT to Start a Meeting

Many thanks to alert consultant 'Maria' for contributing the following blog post

A colleague of mine was traveling to Boston, MA with his boss to meet up with a legal representative from one of the fortune 500 companies who was interested in his reverse legal auction consulting services. They arrived early to the office and had to wait for some time before the representative met with them, so they sat down in the big comfy chairs with two other businessmen. My colleague noticed that one of the businessmen was extremely anxious and began to pace the reception area looking at every picture and artwork hung on the wall very intently.

One of the vice presidents came out to great the businessmen and trying to start small talk one of them said, “I noticed your picture of Andy Warhol, I too admire his art.” The vice president looked at him oddly and turned to the office doors. As he opened the doors he replied, “That’s not Warhol, that’s my mother.” The lawyer quickly replied, “Well, did you know your mother look’s a lot like Warhol?”

To find out more about this guest blogger visit, www.argopoint.com.

A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Sex is a tricky subject, especially in a competitive and personality-driven field like consulting. Far from a simple, universal, physical act, sex brings along issues of power and misogyny, as well as obvious legal and contractual troubles. This is part 3 of a 3-part post on the dynamics of consulting and sex.

• What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

A Bigger Problem

I don't have an answer for this issue, and it goes way beyond the world of consulting. Women everywhere are subjected to double standards, objectified and harassed, and yet still expected to battle it out in the workplace with men.

Frankly, sex is inappropriate any time it's between a boss and a subordinate and this is a continuing issue for consultants. Woman or man, we shouldn't be sleeping around issues of power and money. I find that women are just as interested in sex as men, but their qualification minefield is harder to navigate. That's why it's so nice find an "out" that's outside the structure!

Photo by celikins

After seeing each other around the hotel for a few days, a woman and I got to talking. Turns out she was a partner at a big firm and rarely had the opportunity to "engage" with men who weren't co-workers or clients. It was such a relief for both of us to be our bad selves, talk about work, and get some flirting done without it winding up on our performance report! Neither of us wanted to let a chance like that go to waste, since suddenly all the power issues could be set aside and we could just be a man and a woman. But this sort of opportunity is rarer than most outsiders think.

Honestly, there isn't all that much sex going on among consultants. Probably no more than other fields, and definitely not what the "stud/slut" image might suggest! Just as in all other fields, the sexual dynamics too often get in the way. That, and we're smart enough to know what sexual dynamics and repercussions are!

Previously: What We Do
Previously: Women Consultants

Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Sex is a tricky subject, especially in a competitive and personality-driven field like consulting. Far from a simple, universal, physical act, sex brings along issues of power and misogyny, as well as obvious legal and contractual troubles. This is part 2 of a 3-part post on the dynamics of consulting and sex.

• What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Women Consultants

Photo by MA1216

It's no wonder that our clients want to bed us, but the psycho-sexual stud/slut nature of consulting runs smack into deeper cultural norms for men and women. Everyone thinks we consultants sleep our way around the world. How could we not? But while male consultants are celebrated for our virility, the women have a tougher row to hoe.

I have often had women at the client site try to hook up with me. They are usually sweet and charming, but some are more forthcoming. Regardless, I am in charge and able to decide whether to go with it or gently decline. Being a man, I never encountered a really sticky client-side sexual situation.

Women consultants have to deal with an entirely different world, however. They're sluts, right? Worldly, coin-operated, and experienced. Why wouldn't they sleep with a boring middle-manager who demanded it? Especially if the contract was on the line.

This sucks. Most of my female colleagues refuse to visit the hotel bar for fear of being harassed, and they're right: I've seen what happens when one ventures there after hours. Every woman consultant I've talked with tells me she has received inappropriate and unwanted advances. Most have been threatened to the brink of blackmail. And mostly the clients felt justified in this. They're sluts, remember?

Previously: What We Do
Next up: A Bigger Problem

What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

Sex is a tricky subject, especially in a competitive and personality-driven field like consulting. Far from a simple, universal, physical act, sex brings along issues of power and misogyny, as well as obvious legal and contractual troubles. This is part 1 of a 3-part post on the dynamics of consulting and sex.

• What We Do: Part 1 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• Women Consultants: Part 2 of Sex Among the Consulting Class
• A Bigger Problem: Part 3 of Sex Among the Consulting Class

What We Do

Photo by GoingSolo

Although outsiders might think consulting is results-driven above all else, the truth is somewhat more muddy. Frankly, the work itself isn't really all that challenging for "A players". Sure, we need creativity, experience, and knowledge. But we have that, or at least some of us do. Truthfully, the difference between success and failure of a project has much more to do with charisma and salesmanship than content!

There's a great deal of posturing involved in consulting. We declare ourselves experts and recruit a choir to sing our praises. We dress better, speak better, and are far more worldly than our customers. Frankly, most of the people who hire me wish they could have my lifestyle, but see themselves trapped themselves behind a desk while I roam free in the first class lounge!

This creates an oddly sexual dynamic in the workplace. We consultants are like Hollywood stars: At once attractive and repulsive, desirable and reprehensible, studs and sluts. And this applies to male and female consultants alike: Both genders are seen as studs and both are seen as sluts!

Next up: Women Consultants
Then: A Bigger Problem 

True Facts About the Tarsier

This admittedly has nothing to do with anything, but I've been on a Ze Frank kick recently, and this made me laugh so hard snot particles start flying out of my nose.
Happy Friday


Taken from http://ashow.zefrank.com

One Last Hurrah for Her

IT consultants are mostly men, eliminating most opportunities to hook up with co-workers. It's much easier to pick up a real estate agent at the hotel bar than try to convince the much-hounded hotties of IT they should bed down with you! But sometimes the cards fall in your favor, with a woman consultant on the hunt for a boy toy!

I was lucky enough to be part of a multi-disciplinary strategy project, including servers, applications, organizational realignment, and even human resources advice. Yeah, you heard that right: We had an HR consultant on our team!

I wasn't sure who they'd get for that role. Our company sure as hell didn't have anyone remotely qualified! But one of the local managers had a friend who'd just retired from a lower VP of HR role at a respected company, so they brought her in for one last hurrah as a consultant.

I had just turned 30, so a recently-retired teammate barely even registered, even though I heard it was a woman. Instead, we all settled on the back tables at the hotel bar, watching baseball before we kicked off our new project. Consultants are known to drink. And considering the nature of the job, we're known to drink well. But nothing could have prepared me for that night!

After a few hours, our new team member arrived. "Lilith" was hot. There's just no way around that. Even at 60, she was slim and ready for a young stud like me. And this girl could drink: She started by ordering a bottle of red wine, much to the shock of us con-boys!

She immediately zeroed in on me. She plunked down her bottle and glass, looked me in the eye, and began to spill the beans. She wasn't recently retired, so much as fired. Her offense? Boredom. And she was also recently divorced after 35 years. Her offense? Boredom.

She wanted to know what the consultant life was like, so who was I to deny her that? I needed to pick up some new dress shirts anyway (it was a long project) so I offered to take her into the city with me. You never saw anything like the eyes on this bored old dame when a guy half her age offers to take her to Macy's, dinner, and drinks in the big, bad city!

I was young enough not to know what I had my hands on. We had a fantastic night on the town before cabbing back to the hotel. I was even too naive to understand why she needed me to carry her bags back to her room! But it didn't take long to figure out what she had in store once the door closed.

We didn't see each other again after that week. It turned out she was fired for incompetence as well as boredom, and even a consultant needs to show some capacity to produce deliverables. I hear she retired for good the next week, not needing the money or work anymore. I also hear she shocked her friend by shacking up with a young stud there half her age. Who saw that coming?

She reached out once, letting me know how much she enjoyed our night out and making sure I was ok with it. A class act!

The Airport Olympics

It's easy to hate airport security. But consultants do so much flying we have to learn to live with it. Once giving the screener the silent treatment (or the finger) gets tiring, what else is one to do?

A few years back, well after 9/11 but before the transparent slowdown booths were installed, my project team and I hit on a great way to while away the lines: The Airport Olympics!

The first event was pretty simple: The TSA Race. We would start together at a central location in ticketing before pulling out all the stops to race to the gate. Whoever got there first was the winner, and we had so many trips scheduled that we could get all statistically significant about it.

Truly, it is possible to get through security in a hurry. Forget the premiere line, why not try the crew lane? Stereotyping is critically important when selecting a line so as to avoid the hillbillies. And a rote knowledge of obscure security lines really helps - Dulles? Denver? You know what I'm talking about!

Our next event was Outlet Spotting. Whoever found the closest unused outlet to the gate got the medal. And the juice! And it's kosher to bring along a splitter and momentarily interrupt someone else's charging reverie! My hint: Think like a janitor…

Elite upgrades are passé (and biased towards the senior consultants) so our Scavenger Hunt included harder-to-score items: Gate upgrades, club passes, and meal, hotel, and clothing vouchers! The ultimate items? Flight attendant phone numbers, of course!

There was basically no way to lose the Airport Olympics, and cheating was encouraged. If I could have Fletched my way through the ground crew door I would have, and it would have been awesome to Abignale an FA's room card! Funny enough, we never got caught doing this. The TSA never even subjected us to extra screening!

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/billypalooza/