United Air Lines: Five Lines, Two Lines, No Lines?

Although all airlines suck, you still have to pick one. So I picked United. I fly a lot so they pretend to treat me well (as long as it doesn't cost them anything).

All I really want is the "stealth luxury" of being left as un-molested as possible at the airport. That's why United 1K's like me board first and pick window seats: Get on, slide over, and leave me alone!

But then there is the question of boarding lines. How can United get us on the plane without having to stand among ... people?

A few years back, United implemented a five-line system, where each boarding pass had a numbered boarding group and a corresponding numbered lane at the gate. This took up a lot of room, but the hope was that it would avoid the scrum known as "boarding a plane in France".

Sadly, this did not work out as well as people like me hoped. Apparently people are too stupid to look at the big, bold, boxed number on their boarding pass and stand in the corresponding line. And these lines tended to spill out across the terminal, blocking annoying-electric-carts and business-people-with-somewhere-to-go with equal efficiency.

United's five-group system annoyed me for another reason: Group 1 was simply too big. Everyone in first, plus everyone with 1K or platinum status, is a lot of people. Add in the can't-read folks and those that thought the "priority boarding" benefit of the MileagePlus Explorer card meant Group 1, and I'm stuck in line trying not to breathe in the fumes of your tuna sandwich.

So now United has a new two-lane system. Lane 1 starts with Group 1 but then becomes "people in higher groups who missed their group being called". Lane 2 is every other group in order. And it kind of works, too, apart from the whole matching-the-numbers issue.

But the best part is pre-boarding for 1K's. Yeah that's right suckers, I can get on with the families full of baby strollers and military dudes with duffel bags!

Now if only they could figure out how to treat paid First Class passengers with some kind of decency.

United Breaks Noses: A Counter-Argument

We've all heard the story by now: United is cruel, because they body-shamed some little girls over their leggings. United is vicious because they beat up some old guy and dragged him off the plane. And American is just as awful because they almost punched a baby and took away his mommy's stroller. Oh, what a world!

Since I fly a lot, my friends and family have been quick to ask my opinion on these issues. Since I fly United, they seem to want me to declare "no mas" and switch to Southwest or something.

They've been surprised by my reaction.

The Facebook class has these bullshit social media sensation stories exactly backwards. Each is a story of a passenger behaving badly and the (admittedly deplorable) treatment they got in return from the beleaguered employees of once-proud businesses brought low by mass consumerism.

Frequent fliers know of, and respect, United's non-revenue passenger dress code. Those girls were flying non-rev and dressed against the code. I only wish United would turn away more of their paying passengers who dress inappropriately to be seen in public! At the very least, the airline should stick to their guns and forbid non-revs to dress like the rest of the animals on the plane.

It's telling that "legging-gate" only happened because another unrelated passenger blew the situation out of proportion with an ill-informed analysis of the situation. While smartphone cameras have brought much illumination to many deplorable situations, this wasn't another black guy getting beaten by police. It was a pair of privileged girls acting inappropriately while flying for free. Boo hoo.

Then there's that guy who was beaten and dragged off a flight. No one deserves to be beaten up by the cops, but there comes a time when we all must obey the rules. It was stupid for United to let everyone board and then ask passengers to give up their seats, but it's completely within the rules. In the grand scheme of things, "miss your flight" is barely even a first-world problem.

Yet this guy persisted, resisted, argued, and fought with the police when they came to get him. What planet are you from? Every day, passengers gripe and moan and complain about how the big, bad airlines treat them. But everyone should know that they must obey the orders of a flight attendant and a cop, at least in as far as those orders are the likes of "get off the plane". This really isn't a United story. It's a cops overreacting story. And that's barely even news these days.

Finally, I turn to the flight attendant who almost punched a baby while grabbing the stroller his mommy was bringing onboard the plane. Here's the thing: You can't bring a stroller on a plane. The gate agents inform people with strollers of this fact. There's a big pile of strollers off the plane right before you get on.

And he didn't punch a baby. He didn't even come close. If I had a dollar for every time I was almost punched I'd have a few, but yet I (amazingly) remain un-punched to this day. And yet American suspended the poor schlub anyway!

In all three cases, "do-gooders with phones" thought the best way to deal with a situation they didn't understand was to film it and share it. This is the real story: Everyone wants to be part of a social media sensation instead of stepping in to defuse a situation or even learn the basic facts.

And the airlines? They're just big horrible companies with poor customer service. Which we already knew.

Gold is the New Silver: How American Airlines is like Trojan and Starbucks

So American Airlines (née US Airways) just announced their 2015 elite program, and the travel bloggers are starting to exhale. It's not awful unless you flew more than 75k but less than 100k miles last year...

What strikes me about their new system is the elite levels: Gold, Platinum, and Executive Platinum. No Silver; you get Gold for only 25,000 miles flown. I guess they want their (in)frequent fliers to feel like those special folks over at United and Delta even though they had to fly 50,000 miles to get Gold!

This is such a fantastic consultant-like move, isn't it? Name the lowest "elite" level "Gold" and your frequent fliers will feel like they've accomplished something! They can wave their badge at those Unitards and Deltoids and say "see, I'm Gold too!"

And it's so Starbucks, so Trojan. There's no longer a "small"; there's just Great, Awesome, and Executive Awesome! At least there's no Blue...

What Business Travelers Want Most From Loyalty Programs: Stealthy Luxury

I guess I sounded like a dick in my last post, torching “manufactured spend” and other stupidity while offering a rich white-guy toast. But I’m not going to backpedal. I’ve tasted the cocktail and I like it.

We’ve already established that airlines, hotels and the like really want people like me to expense our way through their wares. But they’ve had mixed success doing it, since they continue to pander to the wrong clientele with signing bonuses and airport terminal credit card hawkers.

So let’s talk about what paying business travelers like me really want.

More than anything else, we want stealthy luxury. The real 1% spends their own money and relishes luxury brands, but consultants like us still have expense accounts and client oversight. We need options that look mainstream but give secret benefits.

That’s why we like Uber, after all. It’s a first-class experience that fits our expense accounts!

Here are some examples of what I mean:

• National Car Rental’s Emerald Club Executive level lets you choose virtually any car on the lot after reserving a midsize Corolla. This is what I’m talking about! I can request a National reservation from any admin or travel department yet roll in a real car. Don’t see what you want on the Executive Aisle? National has always let me pick anything within sight!
• United offers Premier 1K and Global Services fliers instant upgrades on M-Class economy tickets at booking. These aren’t cheap and it’s just about impossible to finagle one from a wary travel agent, but if the client lets me book my own reservation online I always go this route. 
• Most airlines allow ranking frequent fliers to upgrade using certificates (once literal “stickers”) to get out of the coach seat your company’s rules require.
• TSA Pre-Check was fantastic when it was just us high-status frequent fliers, but it’s been diluted by that damn iPad app the TSA uses now.
• Most hotels offer status-based floors and lounges, but they rarely keep the riffraff out in practice.
• Credit cards like the American Express Platinum offer airport lounge access regardless of ticket class. But this benefit is rapidly evaporating.

There are many more stealth upgrades, but all share a common theme: Book a mainstream thing and get a nicer thing.

I’d love to see this practice spread throughout the business economy. Here are some ideas:

• Hotels should offer programs to “walk” elite guests to nicer properties. My company could book me into the Courtyard but the chain could let me stay at the Marriott instead, just like a first class upgrade on a flight.
• Car rental companies should offer post-reservation but pre-arrival upgrades and should pick me up and drop me off at the terminal like Silvercar or Enterprise (but without the smarminess).
• Hotel elite floors should offer real upgrades and amenities, and they should be guaranteed. I rarely get a room the elite floor and even more rarely see any difference. Seriously, what's the point?
• Ritzy hotel chains should add some business-friendly booking options. Let me “upgrade” even if I have to partially pay out of pocket. I’d love to switch to the Hyatt or Fairmont but my clients would balk. But they wouldn’t object to a market-rate room expense.
• Airport lounges should have good food and real booze and should offer a ride to the gate. Otherwise it's pointless for people like me to go to the lounge. I’m sneering at you, United!
• Give me a credit card with real benefits. Everyone knows the concierge service is worthless and “Priority Pass Select” is bogus. Throw in some of these perks and I’ll gladly pay a $500 annual fee and shift tens of thousands in expenses your way.

What do you think? What stealth luxuries could hotel chains offer you?

Manufactured Spend and Other Stupid Games, or, "I’ve Got A Real Job"

Constant business travelers like me spend lots of time studying the nuances of “loyalty” programs. We make sure we maximize our airline and hotel status, we have a wallet full of credit cards, and we pick our travel providers accordingly. For us, it’s all about minimizing the horrors of travel.

But there’s a whole other world of loony points fiends with quite a different perspective. They’re in the programs to earn rewards and they’ll go to extremes to do it. They book everything through online portals to maximize points, they churn through credit cards for the signup bonuses, and they’ll go to extremes to “manufacture” spending.

I read lots of travel blogs to keep on top of programs. I do this mainly to keep on top of the latest developments (it’s important for me to know what will happen to their programs when American and US Airways merge, for example) and indeed a bit to learn about rewards opportunities. When I started staying at more Hilton properties, I relied on Gary Leff’s advice to suggest which new credit card to sign up for, and the constant barrage of Hyatt/MGM Resorts coverage encourages me to swing their way if only to ease my thankfully-rare trips to Vegas.

But about half of what I read on these blogs is a complete waste of time for me. To wit:

• It seems like most of these folks spent 2013 buying “Vanilla Reload” cards at Staples to get 5% back from the churn. But I can think of lots of easier ways to earn $50 to $100. After all, I have a job.
• Now The Miles Professor is buying PayPal cards at CVS and carefully churning those to earn “$300-$400 per hour”. But at only one $400 hour per 30 days, that’s not much of a payday, is it?
• Leff and others breathlessly exhort folks to sign up for small business credit cards just for the signing bonuses. But airlines and hotels are aggressively devaluing their points and raising redemption rates. And not even Kim Kardashian’s entourage wants a free reward ticket!

Let me reiterate: I have a job. I spend over $100k annually on actual plane tickets, hotel rooms, rental cars, and business meals. To people like me, jumping through hoops to manufacture a few thousand dollars of “spend” in order to earn a free ticket or hotel room is a complete waste of time.

I want benefits. I want to be greeted by name when I return to the same hotel 10 times per year (a pox on the Hilton New York!) I want a whole floor of the Waldorf in Orlando that doesn’t allow kids. I want to sit in first every time, buying an M-class ticket on United so my client thinks it’s a coach seat.

Airlines and hotel chains would be wise to court folks like me and are wise to continue alienating the manufactured spend crowd. Go ahead and cry over your Vanilla Reloads. I’ll have another Manhattan.

Image credit: Awesome Brolly Usage! by Whatleydude

Crazy Airline Gobbledegook Nonsense

The airline business is like nothing on earth, and airline people are some of the most common interactions we consultants have. I thought I would take a minute to note some of the crazy words that come out of their mouths.

Note that I'm not talking about jargon - every field has special weird words for weird things. I'm talking about weird words for common things that didn't need renaming.

Weigh in in the comments if you've got more to add!

• Aircraft - This is one of the most common words to escape from the lips of airline people. I counted it at least three dozen times in the safety video alone! But no one outside the airline industry says aircraft. To us normals, it's an airplane, a jet, or most likely just a plane.
• Approach - No one is ever asked to "come over", "line up" or "step up". No, at airports you approach people and things, implying that you'll never get there. And at airports, sometimes it seems like you never will! Can you imagine if this odd wording was adopted by society as a whole? Would you approach the counter at Burger King, a professor's office, or your own bed?
• Beverage Service - "Welcome to Olive Garden! Your waitress will be here shortly with the beverage service!" Never gonna happen.
• Nautical terms - "Ahoy there, matey! Welcome aboard the pirate ship, Southwest Airlines Flight 123! I be the captain and this be my crew!" I suppose this one is debatable, since crew is used to describe the staff of any vessel (in the air, on the water, under the sea, or even in space) but it's such an odd historical link between ocean liners and aircraft (there I go). Why didn't they adopt rail terminology instead? Wouldn't it be cool to have a conductor and an engineer on an air-coach?
• Fly (as a verb) - This is pretty widely adopted in society as a whole, but it's another oddity. I have often been thanked for "flying Delta", but I'm pretty sure I didn't actually do any of the flying. I just got on board to eat peanuts and drink beer with the other passengers. Why not just call it travel? But that's not quite as sexy as flying, is it?
• Onboarding and Deplaning - You aren't just getting on a plane, or even boarding, now you're "onboarding the aircraft!" Talk about needless doublespeak! And yet I've never heard anyone refer to offboarding. No, that's deplaning! But let's stick to onboarding for a minute: Isn't it fun that this pretentious, obnoxious word is shared by the loathed corporate critters in HR?
• Operations - Another ridiculously common term inside aviation that has little meaning out in the real world is operations. The only normals who need to learn this term are us frequent fliers, since irregular operations (abbreviated IrrOps) is such a common occurrence.
• Rollerboards - This is so common it's becoming a real word! I have to assume the adjectival phrase "roll-aboard" (as in luggage) became a noun before the eggcorn effect took hold. Now they're rollerboards, which sounds like a questionable interrogation tactic! But they're still too big for commuter jets.
• Passive Voice - In a world full of rules, it pays to be passive. "That needs to be turned off" deflects obvious questions better than "I have no idea why I'm demanding that you turn off your computer, but I think some law says that you have to." Airline personnel have mastered passive voice!
• Podium - For some reason, that thing the gate agent stands behind isn't a counter (that's where the ticketing agent stands), a desk, a table, or a lectern (the proper term) but a podium. Even though they're never raised off the ground. Oh well.
• Product - MBA-ization comes to the airline industry! The act of flying your corpse to Des Moines is now referred to as "the product", as is (presumably) carrying the mail and the literal corpses in the cargo hold. Which is humorous, since the actual profitable product is pushing branded credit cards.

What are your favorite examples of airline doublespeak? Or am I just being a prick? Sound off in the comments!

Photo by MarkNye

Crazy Crap on a Private Plane. Literally!

From GSElevator comes this fantastic tale of life as a banker on a private jet roadshow. What happens when you party all night, scarf up too much breakfast, and hop on a bumpy business jet? The opposite of fireworks, that's what.

“Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don’t see a door?” I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my ass. She looks at me, bemused, and says, “Well, we don’t really have one per se.” At this point she reads my mind, or just couldn’t miss the fact that I looked like Alec Baldwin after a 3-day coke binge. She continues, “Technically, we have one, but it’s really just for emergencies. Don’t worry, we’re landing shortly anyway.”

Head on over to read "The Roadshow" and you'll not be sorry!

The toilet in this story looks like this one from Travis S on Flickr. Trust me, it is exactly as described in the story!

TSA PreCheck: Hot or Not?

TSA PreCheck should be the best thing ever to traveling consultants like me. After all, it effectively rolls back security to pre-9/11 levels! But it's been worthless in practice, since you never know if, when, and where you'll get the nod.

See, the problem isn't with the idea of PreCheck - that frequent fliers should be allowed easier access through security. After all, people like us really aren't security risks, and it's nice for the government to recognize that. No, the issue is the fact that you never know if you'll be shunted out of the PreCheck line and through regular security. This can happen before you get in line (if your boarding pass is randomly un-selected) or even right at the time of PreCheck!

This makes it worthless, since you can't plan on the quick line. Best case, you spend more time drinking for free in the airport lounge. Worst case, you're back to waiting with for the Clampetts to take off their shoes!

Now Gary Leff over at View From the Wing reports that at least one airline may actually be pre-approving PreCheck! Yes! So if you're a Delta flier (ugh) you soon may be able to sleep a little longer rather than rushing to the airport at 5 for a 6 AM flight!

Delta: Get Your Sh*t Together

Brought to you by alert blogger Catherine Sloper

Dear Delta,

I have been faithful in a slavish, fetishist way for years. I pay more; take circuitous routes and inconvenient flights to accommodate you. I hoard my points, hoping to score free first class tickets.

However, your behavior last week was nearly a breaking point in our relationship.

I admit, I was cutting it fine on the LGA/CHS flight, but seriously, 90 minutes should be enough padding to get me to the meeting on time. You blew it, boys, and with no explanation. How about a little announcement when we sit on the runway FOR AN HOUR? But we’re cool, it’s all good.

Until I tried to go home.

All I want to know is how a (late) incoming flight can suddenly have major maintenance problems? Your gate agents- those angels of upgrades -  announced that there were issues that required paperwork and that we would board shortly. An hour later, those same agents repeated “shortly”, and a quick half hour after that, we were onboard. We sat for another hour, with more maintenance problems, and were towed back to the gate.

The angry hoard lined up to get on the next flight and you offered us….fifty dollars on our next flight. Seriously? I just paid $800 for the pleasure of being stuck in a backwater and you are giving me fifty dollars? To be fair, I was also gifted with a six dollar meal coupon redeemable at the one filthy bar, where greasy sandwiches are $8.50. Not that I care. I ordered some spanx-inducing garbage and two vodkas which I expensed anyway.

Nine hours later, I stumbled through my door and collapsed.

Delta, I want you to know that even though I’m angry at you, right now, it’s not over between us. I am tied like a 50s housewife to you – too far in to leave – too close to higher status and free tickets. I’ll take your abuse, your indifference and unapologetic behavior. I know that every so often, you’ll bump me up to the front, where it’s not just a bigger seat, but a better life.

The Airport Olympics

It's easy to hate airport security. But consultants do so much flying we have to learn to live with it. Once giving the screener the silent treatment (or the finger) gets tiring, what else is one to do?

A few years back, well after 9/11 but before the transparent slowdown booths were installed, my project team and I hit on a great way to while away the lines: The Airport Olympics!

The first event was pretty simple: The TSA Race. We would start together at a central location in ticketing before pulling out all the stops to race to the gate. Whoever got there first was the winner, and we had so many trips scheduled that we could get all statistically significant about it.

Truly, it is possible to get through security in a hurry. Forget the premiere line, why not try the crew lane? Stereotyping is critically important when selecting a line so as to avoid the hillbillies. And a rote knowledge of obscure security lines really helps - Dulles? Denver? You know what I'm talking about!

Our next event was Outlet Spotting. Whoever found the closest unused outlet to the gate got the medal. And the juice! And it's kosher to bring along a splitter and momentarily interrupt someone else's charging reverie! My hint: Think like a janitor…

Elite upgrades are passé (and biased towards the senior consultants) so our Scavenger Hunt included harder-to-score items: Gate upgrades, club passes, and meal, hotel, and clothing vouchers! The ultimate items? Flight attendant phone numbers, of course!

There was basically no way to lose the Airport Olympics, and cheating was encouraged. If I could have Fletched my way through the ground crew door I would have, and it would have been awesome to Abignale an FA's room card! Funny enough, we never got caught doing this. The TSA never even subjected us to extra screening!

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/billypalooza/

Jet Lag? What Jet Lag?

Post courtesy of alert guest blogger/consultant Gideon...

Early in my "career" as a for-hire bullshitter, I joined a company with "international presence" and experienced my first bout of real jet lag.

In this case, "international presence" meant we were working with a multi-national with offices in the US, UK, and continental Europe. It wasn't that international, in retrospect, but sure seemed exotic to a 20-something like me!

I had crossed the Atlantic a couple of times before, but I wasn't the air ninja I am today. So I boarded the (randomly-selected) plane and found my (cheap coach) seat. I was thrilled! In a few hours I'd be in Swinging London, telling the limeys how to do it!

As most young guns can tell you, your first solo international flight is an adventure. The snacks! The romance! The free booze! The trying to sleep in coach! Of course, I partook. And partook. "Keep 'em coming!" says I!

By the time I landed in London, I had spent the entire night drinking and smiling in my little seat, and the cold, humid air of Heathrow was not enough to rouse my rapidly-wearing body.

My boss (the bastard) had somehow talked his way into business class and was smart enough to sleep the whole way. We met up at "baggage reclaim" and hopped in a (client company) car for The City. I was already yawning.

We reached the financial district and headed straight to our all-day meeting. Our bags were whisked to The Thistle ahead of us. The luxury! We strode into the glass and steel Edifice of Importance and met up with a half dozen spotty grotty brits to begin our meeting.

I managed to make it through introductions, taking my seat next to the boss at the head of the table, but then it all came crashing down. The moment I was no longer standing, I felt the flight and the booze and the time difference hit me.  The room became a nursery, with the warm air of the projector lulling me to sleep with its sweet song.

I still don't know what happened in that meeting. Somehow, I avoided getting fired even though I slept through the whole thing. I even kept that London gig for a few more trips!

Did I learn? Hell no! I stayed up late, drank and smoked, and even picked up a local specimen of the female persuasion when my "mates" didn't show. But that's a story for another day!

-Gideon
@No_EPO

Does An Ideal Seatmate Exist?

Brought to you by Guest Blogger "Chloe Murray" 
(Thanks Chloe!) 

Long distance flights always make me nervous.  It’s, not the tight
security and long check- in lines, flight delays or baggage claim.  I
can even handle spending long periods of time with no foot rest, no
turning room, and seats that can barely accommodate someone with a
healthy backside. Conditions are a bit uncomfortable, but I can shrug
off the little things. The only thing that matters for a long flight
for me is having a “good seatmate.”

Throughout my travels over the years, I’ve been lucky enough to be
seated next to pleasant people, but I’m always anxious about who my
seatmate will be  - the seat mate “situation” could go either way.
You could end up with someone completely overbearing and inconsiderate
or someone whose travel etiquette and personality suite you just
right.

On this flight things started out pretty well.  As soon as I met him,
we had an instant connection, if you can call it that.  Leaving
Amsterdam, we made small talk because I almost missed the plane (the
attendants actually began unloading my luggage).  After settling- in
and making myself as comfortable as possible, and getting over the
embarrassment of being the last passenger to board, we progressed to
the usual topics - our careers, our families, and how jet lagged both
of us were.

Yes!!! I thought, he’s going to be a good “seatmate”.  He probably
won’t talk my ear off, ask a million questions about my personal life,
or get into world politics. Another time that would be ok, but today I
just wanted to listen to my ipod and be alone with my thoughts.

All was well until he fell asleep.  It began with a light snore.  The
snoring became louder and louder.  His head slouched to the side and
suddenly it was resting on my shoulder.  At first, I found the
situation little awkward, but I decided not to disturb him.  His sleep
seemed peaceful, even if it was loud and a little annoying.

But then he started drooling.  I can tolerate snoring and the fact
that he was inadvertently invading my personal space, but I do have
limits, and drooling on me, was taking things more than a few steps
too far.  I eased my way out of the window seat and towards the
bathroom.  I was sure that he would have to wake up to let me get back
to my seat.  I thought that this was a polite way to end the whole
fiasco without being rude and creating an uncomfortable situation.
After all, we did have about 9 “seatmate hours” left.

The ride from Amsterdam to Kili led me to think nostalgically of “seat
mates” on plane rides past.  I wouldn’t call this seatmate ideal, but
I decided it could have been worse.  He might have twitched
uncontrollably, openly picked his nose, or launched angry tirades
about who knows what.

Finally, the plane landed, and it was a relief.  My seatmate woke up
and gave me a shy and embarrassed smile.  He must have realized…  I
wanted to tell him it was o.k. - no harm done, but I didn’t.  We
exchanged friendly goodbyes, wished each other well and got off the
plane.

Once I cleared customs I began looking for my driver.  Suddenly,
without actually realizing what was happening, a huge smile spread
across my face as the familiar smell of burning trash in the warm air
filled my nostrils.  I was on African soil again.  Whether or not I
had an ideal “seatmate,” or whether one even exists, became
irrelevant.

Word up!

Dear Travel God,
Hi. It’s me. Listen, I know we haven’t been on the best of terms lately, especially given Monday’s flight cancellation and subsequent 4 hour delay in Dallas, as well as last week’s hellish commute to Sayre, PA (why, again, did you allow people to live so far away?). But after a good week in NY and a couple first-class upgrades, I wanted to express my gratitude to you. I know in the past I’ve cursed you when you’ve sat me in between two fatties. I’ve cursed you at flight delays and cancellations. I’ve even cursed you for weather mishaps, which we both know are the responsibility of the Weather God (sorry about the misdirected anger). Well, as you now know, I upgraded to first. Even you would admit getting upgraded from Newark to Dallas would take a miracle. You finally answered my prayer (I guess it takes a few hundred of them, eh?!)! Not only that…I had the privilege of sitting next to someone my own size! SCORE!!! AND, get this, she slept the entire time. No chatty Kathys on this flight!

Oh yeah, thank you for the great first-class meal, too. As you know, I’ve been a non-beef eater for the past 10 years. The salad they offered to us was topped with grilled steak (it was either that or the po’ boy chicken and cheese sandwich…um…hello!!! That’s like a pound of fat right there!). Anyhow, although I was disappointed in the selections, I decided to “try” the steak salad. Even though it tasted like the fake veggie burgers I usually eat, it was pretty good for an air meal. And you know me, Travel God. I’m pretty picky.

So anyhow, just a quick note of gratitude about the upgrade I never normally get, a great salad that I normally would never have eaten, and a seat mate that was a skinny non-talker for a change. You’re the best, Travel God!

Plane Etiquette Refresher

after a week of getting perpetually lost on the pothole-ridden interstates/turnpikes/routes of what i will call the armpit of america (a.k.a. new jersey), i had the pleasure of sitting next to a fellow "consultant" on my way home that had clearly downed a few too many drinks before takeoff. it was this experience that prompted me to believe that as we usher in a new year, we all might benefit from a short etiquette refresher.

a few gentle reminders for starting off the new year:
1. it's probably not a good idea to divulge the dollar amount of your contract, your client's name, and your company's name out loud...especially in a plane.
2. if you have the luxury of either an aisle or window seat, try to share the arm rest with the poor soul that got the middle seat.
3. it's very tempting to stash both your backpack/laptop bag and your rollerboard in the overhead compartments. but in reality, this is stealing space from our fellow consultants who simply want to avoid checking their roller boards. what goes around, comes around. please, let's follow the rules on this one and utilize the space underneath the seat in front of us to store our smaller bags, ok?
4. try not to stare at your neighbors' laptop or paperwork. some of us still haven't purchased screen guards. additionally, don't make comments about what you have seen on your neighbor's laptop or paperwork. this only makes your lapse in judgment even worse.
5. if you think your breath might be in question, then it probably is. buy some gum or mints before boarding, and indulge in them regularly. if you're feeling especially generous, offer these to your fellow seat mates. this will ensure you don't have to smell your neighbors' meal deal #4: the hot dog and onion special.
6. naps are definitely a consultant's best friend. but drooling on your neighbor's shoulder isn't cool.
7. if you are a biggie, try skipping a meal or two. nobody enjoys being suffocated by someone else's arm fat.
8. always be nice to the flight attendants and gate agents, even if you're at your threshold for being irritated or mad. they have memories of elephants.
9. use your "inside voice" when you're on conference calls with family/clients/friends. nobody wants to hear about the medical appointment you have tomorrow or the huge hangover you had this morning or the fight you had with your signifigant other. really.
10. smile more often. it's disarming and makes people feel good. :)

Penance

i recently broke my tailbone when i was on a date (a great way to make an impression, let me tell you). the doc said 4 to 6 weeks before i would be back to normal. the weekend it happened, my friends were kind enough to buy me a very fashion-forward "donut" from the local walgreens. they even offered to bedazzle it for me, but something told me i should pass. this donut was bright yellow, the kind you don't miss. you know, these are the things old people sit on when they have hemorrhoids, or that women use after they've given birth. "great," i thought,"not only do i walk around as if i were incredibly constipated, but i now get to carry around a billboard confirming everyone's suspicion".

the donut was supposed to enable me to actually sit down without much pain, but as i've learned, pain is relative. for me, the pain was mind-numbing, even when i used the donut to sit on a slab of cement (read: airline seat). regardless, i made the wise decision to use it on my long flights to the client. i also bring it to client meetings and lunch! yay!

one thursday, i began my embarrassing ritual of pulling out the donut from my trusty hiding place (backpack) and situating it on the seat until it was in the "perfect" position. just when i thought my life couldn't get any more pathetic, the man next to me asked for a seat belt extender. he then asked (looking down at my new fashion accessory) what was wrong with me. i'm sure this was something that was top-of-mind of everyone in the immediate vicinity. just loud enough for people to overhear, i told him that when he's unfortunate enough to break his tailbone, he'd get one too.

i'm unapologetically superficial, vain, and high-maintenance. for all you haters out there, you're in luck...it's been miserable having to use the donut in public. one bonus, though: this has been a huge lesson in humility. what did i do in a former life to deserve this? and more importantly, how much credit does this buy me in purgatory? ;)

Drastic times call for drastic measures...

The flight from philly to phoenix on us scare, i mean air, is about 5 hours. It's so long, in fact, that you can actually take a nap, get all your client work done, do some reading for pleasure, and take another nap. I've flown this route for 2 years. When I boarded the flight, I was so exhausted on Thursday I fell asleep the second I buckled my seat belt. Many of you have done the same after a long week (read: beating) at the client. Somewhere after takeoff but before a much-needed drink service, I groggily awoke to what felt like a jackhammer to the back of my seat. Once I came to my senses, I realized it was a kid kicking the back of my seat. GREAT. Ok - maybe it will stop...(BANG, BANG). Give it time (BANG, BANG). Nope. I decide there's no way I'm putting up with that (did I tell you I'm wedged between two ginormous people who shouldn't be allowed on the flight due to weight restrictions?). So I unbuckle my seat belt, get up on my knees and lean over the seat. "Excuse me" I say to the mom. "Your son keeps kicking the back of my seat. Do you think it would be possible for you to make him stop doing that (smile)?" The mother apologizes and tells her little devil spawn to stop. “Thanks” I say, as I strap myself back in and begin to relax. Just as I start giving myself props for confronting the issue while being nice at the same time, BANG, BANG! Here we go again. I give it another few minutes hoping he would stop. This time, I feel my neck and face becoming red with fury. The kicking continues. Once again, I unbuckle my seatbelt, get up on my knees and lean over the seat.

Me: “Hi.” I say directly to devil spawn. I would guess he’s about 5 or 6.
DS: -no response-
Me: “Do you know how you keep kicking the back of my seat?”
DS: -no response, but solid eye contact-
Me: “Well…(with one eyebrow raised)..if you don’t stop, I’m going to tell the boogey monster.”
Mother of DS: “That is uncalled for! I can’t control my child, I asked him to stop.”
DS: starts tearing up, and subsequently crying loudly about the boogie monster
Mother of DS: Trying to console DS, “Honey, there’s no such thing as the boogey monster.”

I slowly turn back and buckle myself in, but not before giving DS a final look to let him know I’m serious. Sure, I feel like a low-life playing on the deepest fears of some innocent kid, but we all deserve a kick-free flight, no? A few minutes later, DS is still crying but starting to simmer down. I could care less...not only do I have a fierce pair of earplugs, but the soles of DS’s shoes never again touched the back of my seat.

No More Middle Seat Hell.

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