Crazy Crap on a Private Plane. Literally!

From GSElevator comes this fantastic tale of life as a banker on a private jet roadshow. What happens when you party all night, scarf up too much breakfast, and hop on a bumpy business jet? The opposite of fireworks, that's what.

“Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don’t see a door?” I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my ass. She looks at me, bemused, and says, “Well, we don’t really have one per se.” At this point she reads my mind, or just couldn’t miss the fact that I looked like Alec Baldwin after a 3-day coke binge. She continues, “Technically, we have one, but it’s really just for emergencies. Don’t worry, we’re landing shortly anyway.”

Head on over to read "The Roadshow" and you'll not be sorry!

The toilet in this story looks like this one from Travis S on Flickr. Trust me, it is exactly as described in the story!

Employee of the Month

Nature Calling

One often overlooked aspect of consulting is that we are guests in our client's offices. Working with a New York Investment Bank? Sweet office overlooking the harbor! High tech company in California? Latest office environment on a campus! Average low-margin business headquarters in Columbus, OH? Not so much...

This post is about the unspoken... the invisible... the unavoidable... the client's bathroom.

The best I've ever seen? Client in Rochester, NY - one of only 3 people of my gender on the floor. Might as well have been a private bathroom built for 20. Spotless. Odorless. Always well stocked. Almost nicer than my private office.

The worst? Oh no...
- why do the contractors from another planet need to wash their face, neck, arms, etc. and splash all over the counters? So nasty.
- I'm all for dental hygiene, but brushing your teeth in a place that smells like a zoo cage is just nasty
- there's no reason why you can't get it into the porcelain unit. The floor is for your feet. Practice at home.
- lighting is nice, although seeing might be worse than imagining
- noises. Need I say more?
- smells. Don't architects understand the need for ventilation? When you can smell it from the hallway, and start considering the trees out in back of the building, it's time for a fan people!!!

Some advice for my colleagues:
1) go before you leave the hotel
2) scout around. Look for the bathrooms closest to the executive offices. Carry a notebook and look like you're going to a meeting.
3) use those paper seat covers (if you can get them out of the dispenser). Those nasty germs will eat right through anything but titanium, but it will make you feel better
4) don't touch that newspaper on the floor. Get reading glasses if you must.
5) wash your hands. seriously.
6) hold it until you get back to the hotel

- your Consulting SME ... :-)

The Saga of the Client Site Bathroom Continues...

Since it has been nearly a week since the cockroach-tapping bathroom incident, my confidence in using the client site bathroom has increased.
I should know better.
This is the same logic that we use right after we get a speeding ticket. We've just had our hand slapped, so we drive 10 miles an hour on the freeway for approximately three days, until somehow we feel we've "Done our due diligence," and we can now go back to our normal, illegal, speeding ways.

Such is with the client site bathroom.
A week ago, I was afraid.
Today, I went back.
Not smart.

I walked in, found a stall, did a quick cockroach scan, and felt okay. I had the bathroom to myself. Nice. When alone, there is no Larry Craig fear.
Someone else wandered in just as I was leaving the stall. She took the other stall.
All was well.
With one exception.
She didn't shut the stall door.
It's not like the latch on the door was broken, either. I monitor this stuff.
Nope - working door latch.
She just apparently wanted everyone to be able to see her.

Now, as a relatively civilized person, I had a moment of panic over this.
As I spent much of my time thinking when I'm in this particular bathroom,
'what does one do in this situation?'
What's protocol?

I tried to think WWMD? What Would Macgyver Do?
MacGyver would burst in and shut the door for her.
I'm just not that cool.

That said,
WE ARE TRYING TO LIVE IN A SOCIETY HERE, PEOPLE.
There are rules that must be followed.
When you're in a bathroom stall, close and lock the stall door.
When the latch is broken, give it a college try to keep the door closed.
Don't just 'give up' and force the other members of civilization to have to deal with you.

I washed my hands (as one should ALWAYS DO), and ran out of the bathroom.

I hate that bathroom.
I'm going back to using the Starbucks one.

When Cockroaches Take Over the Client Site Bathroom....and Other Scary Stories

Given all the recent scandal surrounding the good Senator Larry Craig, bathroom etiquette has been at the top of mind lately. I mean - I'm now very much aware of what the feet in the stall next to me are doing. Here at the client site I'm currently at, we have designated our bathrooms as "No-Tap Zones," just to prevent any and all foot-tapping related/Larry Craig-type issues.

This morning at approximately 10:54 I went down the hall to the bathroom. By 10:55 I secured a stall. Trying to be an alert bathroom-user, I glanced at the feet of the person next to me - just to make sure they were complying with the "no-tap regulations."

Thank God, the person was complying.

What was unfortunate, however, was the fact that two large cockroaches were innocuously loitering near the feet of my compliant neighbor. One seemed to notice me, and started making his way into MY stall.

Now - let me pose this very important question:

What is proper etiquette in this situation?

Does one:

a) let it go and pretend to ignore said large cockroaches

b) scream loudly and create sudden bathroom panic, or

c) Immediately leave stall without flushing, etc.

I opted for choice A. The problem was, I didn't want to lift my feet in fear of being seen as a "bathroom foot tapper." Knowing my luck, if I did, the person in the stall next to me would flash a police badge under the stall wall and point at the nearest exit.

Crap. No pun intended.

Trying to maintain a modicum of poise as the two cockroaches were now making themselves at home in my stall, I kept quiet. They're cockroaches - they can survive nuclear war - show some damn respect!

I left the stall at approximately 10:57am. At the sink, three more cockroaches appeared on the floor. They tried to look innocent, but these guys were clearly taking steroids or something. Either that or they've been drinking the mysteriously discolored liquid that comes from the client site drinking fountain. I swear one actually LOOKED at me.

My hands were now clean but I felt exceedingly dirty, surrounded by all these unnaturally large arthropods.

I grabbed a paper towel, hit the button that makes the door automatically open (God forbid I should touch the door handle) and exited the bathroom. It was now 10:58.

Reporting back to the project team, we have all been avoiding the bathroom since that time. It is now 2:25pm. The problem is...I kind of have to go to the bathroom again.

I think I'm going to start using the one down the street at Starbucks. I can always use more caffeine anyway. Plus - there's only one stall there, so no one can accuse me of tapping my feet in a questionable manner.

_____________________________

UPDATE:

For those of you who are not familiar with the Larry Craig scandal, shame on you. Read a newspaper.

Or...fine...just watch this - a genius Dragnet-style re-enactment of the "issue" that appeared on MSNBC: