Working for a Narcissist (or What Have I Done?)

Not all bosses are great. Not all are good. Some are downright bad. This is a hard lesson I've been learning recently, having taken a job under an egomaniac narcissist that makes the guy in the White House look sane.

A few months ago, I accepted a new position with a smaller firm in my industry. Overall it's been a great move, since I'm able to do whatever I want all day long, which usually means making a big impact for my clients and getting lots of work done. I was already pretty well-known in my industry (thus the clever nom de guerre here) but now I'm able to really get my (real) name out there.

When I started at my new firm, I was thrilled to be given the leeway to take time to fly to conferences, present my work, and reap admiration far and wide. Hell, they even let me reschedule billable business and sales calls so I could fly to Vegas!

But then I noticed something off developing. The Big Boss started coming with me. And not just attending - he would stand at the side of the stage, then wrangle his way onto the panel, or jump into my conversations. This guy is nobody in my field, apart from a business manager, but here he was stepping in to introduce himself.

And not just give his name, either. "I'm this guy's big boss," he would say. "I took a big risk taking on a rock star like this, but I think you can see it paying off!" Nothing wrong, I suppose, but for the tone. Increasingly every conversation was about how smart he was and how well the firm was doing.

I started feeling like the ballplayer signed to a big contract to draw attention rather than to score points. And I guess I was.

It all came to a head recently on a trip to New York. The Big Boss emailed me, "pack your things for three days in the Big Apple!" Yeah that's how he talks. There was one hilarious element to the trip that I'll blog later, but this is about what happened when we landed.

So we cab it to Wall Street and go to the first Big Meeting. Big Boss introduces me as "my new guy, maybe you've heard of him" and we chat. But my alarm bells were ringing.

First issue: We're at Starbucks, not the 61st floor.

Second issue: We have no agenda, and this guy isn't a buyer.

Third issue: We don't discuss anything of importance.

Yeah, it's one of those meetings. Followed by six more that Tuesday. Followed by drinks (not steak) at the Bull and Bear with some old college roommate or something. Then another day of the same thing, but with less meetings. Then like two more coffees on Thursday before our flight home.

This wasn't a sales call. It wasn't even a business meeting. It was a metaphorical hand job for a narcissist showing off his new trophy.

Me.

When the Open Office is Closing In

Everyone has seen an "open plan office" setup. A bunch of my clients had them, especially Out West. I actually liked the look, minus the dogs and yoga balls, but I hadn't really worked in one until now.

Open plan offices suck.

In an open office, everyone can smell your food or be offended by your body odor. Everyone can see what your high school buddies post on Facebook and wonder if you're like that too. Everyone literally notices when you get up to get a snack or go to the can.

So no one gets anything done. I spend literally hours a day looking around to see who else is peeking over my shoulder. I got a convex mirror for my monitor as swag and actually taped it to my monitor. Logo and all. I know, right?

One of the guys in the office eats a lot of fish and chili. Sometimes he eats them together. I swear. Go to the "cafe" if you're going to do that! And then there's Ms. Vegan who always has to cast side-eye at the cheese on my sandwich or my god damn gummy bears. I guess I should go to the cage too.

And open plan offices are silent as the grave. No one is willing to take a call with another person sitting 24 inches from them out in the open. They'd gab all day if there was a felt and steel half-wall there, but they won't even say good-freaking-morning out in the open like that. Someone might spit at you or something!

Cubes suck too, but not as much as I thought. I guess I'll go to Panera to take this call. Who wants some bagged soup?

Small Firms, Big Problems

The first thing you notice when you move to a smaller firm is how much more freedom everyone has. No process, no approvals, no problems, right?



After a while, you start noticing how much more personality everyone has. She does everything but gripes constantly; he does nothing and no one seems to care. I would say that everyone is writing their own job description, but that's not true because no one even has a job description.

It's a free-for-all. If you do something, it becomes your job. If you don't do it, someone else has to pick it up.

You'd think that everyone being slammed with various tasks would lead to them all pushing back when someone doesn't do their work. But no! They're all so worried about losing someone (and thus having even more work piled on) they just suck it up and figure out how to pick up the pieces. Everyone basically just does whatever the hell they want to get by.

This is probably ok for the B and C players out there, since they can just coast by and hope the money never runs out, but it sucks for those of us who actually get shit done. I'm picking up work from Mr. Foot Shuffler (seriously, dude, pick up your damn feet when you walk!), Eeyore (yeah, I get that you're unhappy, thanks for sharing!), Forget-Me-Now (we just talked about this!), and even Ms. In-Charge (isn't it your job to manage these people?)

But still, it was a good move. I was suffocated at The Big Firm and was never going to get ahead with this attitude. I'll probably be running this place by next year. So what's to complain about?

Oh yeah. The clients. But that's a story for a different day.

Coke in the Lunch Room: Blurring Work and Private Life

Smart people will tell you to keep work and private life separate. And they’re right: Nothing good can come of your co-workers learning about your office affair, your clients learning about your binge drinking, or your boss learning about a gambling habit.

But it’s awfully hard for consultants, especially “on the road” types like me. I don’t magically appear at 8 and disappear at 5. I fly, eat, and often bunk up with my co-workers, spending more than half my life “on-site” with clients in distant cities. In this world, it’s inevitable that life will leak out.

Such was the case for an account rep (can’t say “salesman” anymore) I know. We had worked together “at home” a bit, but most of our interaction took place at the client site, the Marriott and Ruth’s Chris. This guy was usually hilarious, always telling a new story about risqué behavior right on the line of offensiveness.

But sometimes he wasn’t so funny. Sometimes he was downright bizarre. He would miss early-morning meetings and sometimes disappear before his creme brûlée arrived at the table. I assumed he was selling or schmoozing with someone more profitable than “the team” and let it slide.

Then I discovered the reality. We were in New York and somehow the rest of the group had vanished. A few went to bed early, resting up before 6 AM flights; others were local and headed home to their families.

He and I were spending some time yukking it up in a questionable cigar bar on the Lower East Side when a stranger knocked on the window, looking at us. He went gray, hopped up, and hurried outside to meet this bearded straggler, leaving his coat behind. After exchanging quite a few bills for a small package, he returned, staring me down.

“You can’t tell anyone,” he dared. Then he went on, without even a prod from me. “This is between us. Yeah, it’s coke. It’s just something I do. You won’t tell anyone. I can trust you.”

He could trust me. I wasn’t going to snitch. But things got weird after that. We spent a lot less time together, with him choosing to sit at the other end of the table and calling his own cab. Pretty soon he was dropped by the company in a semi-monthly cull of sales folk. I don’t think it had anything to do with the coke, but who can say?

Coca-Cola ad used for purposes of parody

Use Whoever's On The Bench

Warming the Bench by LouisRiley

Lots of people are aware of the old "bait and switch" perpetrated by the Big Firms: Show up with Mr. Incredible during sales, then staff the project with Jane and Joe College once the contract comes in. Maybe Incredible turns in the final report and attends a few dinners, but he really had nothing to do with the project.

Many folks don't realize it, but small firms do just the opposite. When all you've got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. And when Bob is "on the bench" he instantly becomes an expert at everything.

I have always been pretty easy to bill. Too easy, in my opinion, since I was always billing! But my firm was loaded with odd experts and expert oddballs who seem to spend too long on the bench.

Instead of firing the oddballs, most firms will find a spot for them. I've been asked to "massage" the resume of various dead wood staff, adding my own bullet points to their skimpy skills. I've even been asked to portray them as experts and "support them remotely" when they had a question!

What a racket! Big or small, clients should watch out for the switch. And wannabe consultants should be wary of both situations, since games like these can really affect your reputation!

Quick! They Have Money! Propose Something!

Everyone knows consultants are driven by money, but most don't realize just how "coin operated" their firms can be. Just like a cigarette machine, most consulting firms will happily devour your last dollar!

There was the rare case where I was on the receiving end of this crazy consulting business…

I had joined a small firm looking for more reward. And that's just what I got when times were good. But once things turned south, I was the only one keeping the company afloat. Seriously - I was the only billable resource actually billing!

Then something surreal happened: The CEO called in a friend to do some consulting. On our firm. For big bucks.

Suddenly I understood how "the locals" felt when I rode into town! I knew what the company needed: More billing and less lounging and paperwork pushing! Why not just ask me?

Mr. Friendly decided that we needed to increase our billability (gosh, ya think?) and sales effectiveness (seriously!) so proposed that we hit up all our past clients in search of someone with money. That was his proposal. Really.

So that's what we did. It was "all hands on deck" and "man the oars" and some other nautical nonsense as we started ringing up everyone we knew looking for loose change.

The mission wasn't to find work that needed to be done; rather we were "tasked to find budget" regardless of need, skill, or desire. And find budget we did!

Somehow, dozens of customers loosened up their wallets and ponied up for services right when we needed them most. But what would we do? We devised a "rapid assessment" with "actionable next steps" and sold a dozen at $10k each. Then I headed out to deliver the garbage at the first company. After puking out ten easy steps, I turned in my homework and expected to move on to the next.

But a funny thing happened instead: A bunch of junior consultants magically appeared (temps!) and they "delivered" in my place! They marched in, sat through meetings, and handed over THE EXACT SAME REPORT I had prepared. Easy money!

That was enough for me. I quit. But the company did fine. In fact, they are still out there, probably still selling my answers.

Photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/oimax/

Email Listserv Privileges Gone Awry

Who remembers this?  

The best example EVER of what happens when someone accidently sends an email intended for one office to an entire worldwide management consulting firm (of 20,000+ employees). 

Names have been redacted to prevent major embarrassment.

THE EMAIL 

> From: XXXXXXX
> To: XXXXXXXXXX, All Users

> Sent: Tuesday, July, 2007 7:02 PM
> Subject: Missing Keys
> If anyone found a set of missing keys this morning please contact Kerri at 74041.
>  
> Thank you,
> Kerri
> Kerri XXXXXX
> Sr. Administrative Assistant

THE RESPONSE: 

> From: XXXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 9:55 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>  
> Kerri,
>  
> We could not find any forgotten keys out here in Izmir, Turkey. Sorry.

> XXXXXX

> Senior Consultant,
> Emerging Markets Practice

> 

> -----Original Message-----

> 

> From: XXXXXXX XXXXXX
> Sent: Wed 8/1/2007 1:30 AM
> To: XXXXX; ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>  
> Sorry nothing in Kabul Afghanistan.....best of luck in the world wide search!

> 

> -----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXX XXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 8:41 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
> I think I might've found them...oh, nope. Nevermind, false alarm, it's my trailer key.
> Nothing in Baghdad either. Good luck! 

>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: XXXX XXXXXXXX
> To: All Users
> Sent: Wed Aug 01 06:51:08 2007
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
>
> This is Amman, Jordan checking in -- we found some keys, but it turned out they were for the Treasury in the ancient city of Petra.
>  
> XXXXXXXXXXX || Senior Manager,

> 

> 

> From: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
> Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2007 06:53:52
> To: ALL USERS

> Subject: Re: Missing Keys
>
> I'm not in the Riyadh office yet, but there weren't any there yesterday when we left.  We'll check again this morning.
> Good luck from Saudi Arabia...
>
> Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Device
> XXXXXXXXXXXXX
> Senior Consultant

> 

>-----Original Message-----

> From: XXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 4:13 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: Re: Missing Keys
>
> Nothing out here in Jeddah either

-----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 4:28 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
> We've spent the morning checking all of our tents and mud huts here in Southern Sudan, but haven't found anything yet. Will let you know if we find something.
>
> XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
> Manager
>

Somebody's Got A Case of the Mondays.

Here's the question:

Did you know that today is actually a holiday?
And that most people in the United States actually are home - not working?

Yeah - it's called Veteran's Day.

Another Corporate Anthem!

Thanks to an alert consulant who used to work at KPMG for sending this.

We present to you the E&Y Corporate Anthem...."Happy Day"

This one is really bad, folks.

(again - make sure you're not using a VPN or something if you want to watch)

KPMG, PWC and IBM Top Music Charts Overseas

An alert consultant in Australia has just informed me of the following:
PWC HAS ITS OWN CORPORATE ANTHEM!!

Here's his note:

"I mean seriously, what consulting firm has their own anthem?

PricewaterhouseCoopers has an official anthem, in the Pepsi Generation métier:
"More than 140,000 people standing tall … your world, our people, yeah the word is out … PricewaterhouseCoopers, it's comin' from the heart."

Crazy Consultant has done some additional research on this inane topic, and has learned that not just PWC, but KPMG, McKinsey, and IBM have also developed their own corporate anthems. ARE WE LIVING IN THE BIZARRO WORLD HERE?

This week's Top Three Corporate Anthems ARE: (make sure you're not behind a VPN if you want to watch)

• KPMG "Vision of Global Strategy"

• PWC "Your World"

• IBM "Ever Onward"
  

You Know You're in the Right Industry When...

Sent by an alert Bain consultant:

(this actually happened)

"You know you are in the right industry when.....

your boss sends an e-mail apologizing for not giving you ENOUGH work"

Listserv Randomness

Firmwide Email Sent from Senior VP:

Does anyone here have any experience with the Japanese / Chinese board game called “GO”?

No context, no explanation. That was it.

Erase that and you're DEAD.

Sent by an alert Consultant in Chicago:

courtesy of The Onion.

The Proverbial Work-Life Balance.

Sent by an alert consultant in London:

When the FIRM IGTM (Isn't Getting the Message)

Paraphrased conversation which took place recently between the FIRM and one of its disgruntled associates when told to be in an "inspirational corporate video:"

FIRM: Please share with us what you think about "the Spirit of the FIRM."

ASSOCIATE: Not sure I can do that.

FIRM: When did you join the FIRM? And what do you do in your “day job?”

ASSOCIATE: Hmmm... Too long ago and hate my life.

FIRM: Please describe the culture of the FIRM and why its people so eager to get involved with the community—above and beyond their formal jobs?"

ASSOCIATE: No

FIRM: When you think about the “power of the FIRM,” what comes to mind?"

ASSOCIATE: I don't think about it. Listen, can I not do this? I've had a death in the family.

FIRM: That's fine - can you do this interview three days from now, on Sunday?

ASSOCIATE: What, does another family member have to die? No!

FIRM: What do you think of the firm?"

ASSOCIATE: I try not to.

FIRM: Really, why is that?

ASSOCIATE: I'm too busy applying for other jobs.

FIRM: At the firm of course...

ASSOCIATE: Of course...

:)