Our Newest Blogger...Catherine the Great!

I'm very pleased to introduce our newest blogger - alert consultant Catherine the Great!
Catherine will be posting every two weeks for the Crazy Consultant Blog, and we're thrilled to have her.  Until we work out the kinks on our end - we'll paste her first, most awesome post below.
Welcome Catherine!
-----------------------------------------------------
One of many bizarre consultant behaviors is the ability to type, unceasingly, while staring at a laptop with such intensity as to discourage interruption by colleagues, or worse, clients. Today, I’m working for a Billionaire lunatic, who walks the floor and fires people on the spot if, in his opinion, they aren't working "hard enough". My job is to stabilize and reorganize the company, which I could do very well if the Billionaire would GO HOME. At the moment, there is nothing to do…it happens…lots more than the client knows or could stomach.

So I am slavishly typing away, staring intently at my laptop composing this little missive to you while billing $400 an hour to a client who steadfastly refuses to take my advice, yet extends my contract ad nauseum. While I am thrilled at making my number and potentially getting my 40% bonus, it’s been promised more times than a hillbilly bride. I'll be happy with $25k and an increase in draw.

I keep an excel sheet open at all times, so in the event of an approaching client, I can switch from my horoscope, Gmail or shopping to a massive and complex sheet (I’ve used the same one for years). Of course I don’t worry about being caught. Only fools accept the kind offer of client provided Internet (bait for newbies), which can and will be audited to disprove bills.

There is a firm legend about a brand new analyst who, while working late at a client site, surfed for porn. On the client’s Internet. Yhea….it was baaaaaddd. Analyst fired, bill eaten, lesson learned.

Are ALL Consultants Alcoholics?

Another great, unprompted email - received and submitted by an alert Seattle-based consultant.
Gotta appreciate the assumption that all consultants must inherently be alcoholics. 

From: XXXX XXXXXX
Date: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 2:59 PM
To: CrazyConsultant@gmail.com
Subject: Fwd: Overcome Alcoholism With The Help of a Top Rehab Center.

WTF?!?!???

Was sent to my work email!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Begin forwarded message:

From: Alcohol Addiction Treatment
Date: February 19, 2013, 11:54:28 AM PST
To: <xxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.com>
Subject: Overcome Alcoholism With The Help of a Top Rehab Center.

Should you no longer wish to receive emails from this company click here.
Or mail comments to 427 N. Tatnail St. 52990, Wilmington, DE, 19801.

Email Listserv Privileges Gone Awry

Who remembers this?  

The best example EVER of what happens when someone accidently sends an email intended for one office to an entire worldwide management consulting firm (of 20,000+ employees). 

Names have been redacted to prevent major embarrassment.

THE EMAIL 

> From: XXXXXXX
> To: XXXXXXXXXX, All Users

> Sent: Tuesday, July, 2007 7:02 PM
> Subject: Missing Keys
> If anyone found a set of missing keys this morning please contact Kerri at 74041.
>  
> Thank you,
> Kerri
> Kerri XXXXXX
> Sr. Administrative Assistant

THE RESPONSE: 

> From: XXXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 9:55 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>  
> Kerri,
>  
> We could not find any forgotten keys out here in Izmir, Turkey. Sorry.

> XXXXXX

> Senior Consultant,
> Emerging Markets Practice

> 

> -----Original Message-----

> 

> From: XXXXXXX XXXXXX
> Sent: Wed 8/1/2007 1:30 AM
> To: XXXXX; ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>  
> Sorry nothing in Kabul Afghanistan.....best of luck in the world wide search!

> 

> -----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXX XXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 8:41 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
> I think I might've found them...oh, nope. Nevermind, false alarm, it's my trailer key.
> Nothing in Baghdad either. Good luck! 

>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: XXXX XXXXXXXX
> To: All Users
> Sent: Wed Aug 01 06:51:08 2007
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
>
> This is Amman, Jordan checking in -- we found some keys, but it turned out they were for the Treasury in the ancient city of Petra.
>  
> XXXXXXXXXXX || Senior Manager,

> 

> 

> From: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
> Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2007 06:53:52
> To: ALL USERS

> Subject: Re: Missing Keys
>
> I'm not in the Riyadh office yet, but there weren't any there yesterday when we left.  We'll check again this morning.
> Good luck from Saudi Arabia...
>
> Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Device
> XXXXXXXXXXXXX
> Senior Consultant

> 

>-----Original Message-----

> From: XXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 4:13 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: Re: Missing Keys
>
> Nothing out here in Jeddah either

-----Original Message-----
> From: XXXXXXXXX
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 4:28 AM
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: RE: Missing Keys
>
> We've spent the morning checking all of our tents and mud huts here in Southern Sudan, but haven't found anything yet. Will let you know if we find something.
>
> XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
> Manager
>

We Are Now Accepting Applications for New Bloggers!

It's time for some fresh blood.
Are you now, or have you ever been a CONSULTANT? 

Have you ever used some form the words 'leverage,' 'synergy' and 'ensure' together in a sentence?
Is your writing generally fueled by complimentary alcoholic beverages on planes?  Do you feel a little tingle of pride when you get your double-platinum membership card in the mail from your favorite hotel chain?  Do you feel righteously entitled to your first-class upgrades?  Have you taken a conference call from the bathtub, or, perhaps, your bed?   Do you sometimes sleep with your crackberry?

Then we are looking for YOU. 

You know you have some great stories.  They don't have to be long...glamorous...or, let's face it, even professional.  

If you have interest in writing once in awhile for our blog, simply send an email and a sample blog entry to crazyconsultant@gmail.com.  

Rules are simple:  No real names.  No employer names.  No client names.   The first rule of Fight Club is that we don't talk about Fight Club. 
The rest is up to you.  

Application Deadline:  March 31, 2013. 

The Next Time You're Asked for a Bio...

The following paragraph was included at the end of a bio I received last year from a fellow consultant (who, though hilariously brilliant and worthy of endless praise, shall remain nameless here).

"I was a brick layer, a small-town mayor, and accepted Oprah Winfrey as my personal savior.  I have lacked common sense, put my two cents in where it didn’t belong, and actually purchased the latest by 50 Cent.  I proved a theorem showing that the longest-named drink you can order at Starbucks is Double Tall, Nonfat, Half-Caf, Extra Hot Latte macchiato with Whipped Cream, Vanilla, Hazelnut, Almond, Raspberry, and Toffee Nut Syrup, Extra Foam, 2 packets of Sweet 'n' Low, 1 packet of Sugar, 1/2 pack of Equal, and Caramel Sauce.  In keeping with the growing popularity of NASCAR, I have driven… a car to work, a point home, a golf ball a country mile, my boss crazy, and a stake through the heart of my enemies.  I have never sent an email and then immediately run down to that person’s office and said, “Hey, did you get that email I just sent…”  I sat in traffic, bent over backwards, jumped for joy, and I can’t stand it any more.  Dude, I got a Dell.  Yes, I can hear you now.  No, I don’t want to Biggie Size it.  Alright already, I’ll just do it.  Through the magic of late night television, I made some deals, found cool spiked heels, and bought those knives from Ron Popeil.  While I cannot tell the difference between Diet Coke, Coke Zero and Diet Coke with Splenda, I have a developed a customized artificial neural network to discriminate between Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, and Brittany Murphy (who are otherwise indistinguishable).  I was inexplicably passed over for a nomination to the supreme court, but was offered a role in a Vegas revival of Diana Ross and the Supremes."

The Optimization of Leveraging

Courtesy of Alert Guest Blogger David Tang:

Consultants.  We're always optimizing, always leveraging -- always in the pursuit of minimizing our workload while maximizing our lifestyle.  This mode of conduct carries from using the expense policy, to accumulating hotel points, to creating our client deliverables.

At the start of every project, it's always a scramble to find good internal docs that we can leverage.  The problem often is that the internal library of documents is poorly organized and documented.  The original uploader has probably left the firm and isn't around to answer any pressing questions.  Well, here's a tip.  Check out Flevy.com (http://flevy.com) for documents that can be leveraged.  In fact, Flevy is a marketplace for consulting-type business documents.  It's organized by business function (e.g. marketing strategy, supply chain), industry, and file type.  And, of course, any documents purchased are expensed back to the project. (Hey, 40 SPG points here and there adds up!)

Oh, and don't forget... at the end of the engagement, repackage the documents as your own and list it on Flevy for the next consultant to leverage.

When they know they're leaving...

Saw this in one of the comments on another post and couldn't resist posting it.
Many thanks to Alert Crazy Consultant "Catherine" for the hilarity.

I am restructuring a company and had to interview all staff members of the HR dept. They knew that many would be terminated. One woman arrived in sweatpants and what appeared to be her husbands oversized undershirt. She was holding a tootsie-pop.

During the interview, she unwrapped the lolly and started to ...fellate it.

Seriously.

And I am a woman...

Does An Ideal Seatmate Exist?

Brought to you by Guest Blogger "Chloe Murray" 
(Thanks Chloe!) 

Long distance flights always make me nervous.  It’s, not the tight
security and long check- in lines, flight delays or baggage claim.  I
can even handle spending long periods of time with no foot rest, no
turning room, and seats that can barely accommodate someone with a
healthy backside. Conditions are a bit uncomfortable, but I can shrug
off the little things. The only thing that matters for a long flight
for me is having a “good seatmate.”

Throughout my travels over the years, I’ve been lucky enough to be
seated next to pleasant people, but I’m always anxious about who my
seatmate will be  - the seat mate “situation” could go either way.
You could end up with someone completely overbearing and inconsiderate
or someone whose travel etiquette and personality suite you just
right.

On this flight things started out pretty well.  As soon as I met him,
we had an instant connection, if you can call it that.  Leaving
Amsterdam, we made small talk because I almost missed the plane (the
attendants actually began unloading my luggage).  After settling- in
and making myself as comfortable as possible, and getting over the
embarrassment of being the last passenger to board, we progressed to
the usual topics - our careers, our families, and how jet lagged both
of us were.

Yes!!! I thought, he’s going to be a good “seatmate”.  He probably
won’t talk my ear off, ask a million questions about my personal life,
or get into world politics. Another time that would be ok, but today I
just wanted to listen to my ipod and be alone with my thoughts.

All was well until he fell asleep.  It began with a light snore.  The
snoring became louder and louder.  His head slouched to the side and
suddenly it was resting on my shoulder.  At first, I found the
situation little awkward, but I decided not to disturb him.  His sleep
seemed peaceful, even if it was loud and a little annoying.

But then he started drooling.  I can tolerate snoring and the fact
that he was inadvertently invading my personal space, but I do have
limits, and drooling on me, was taking things more than a few steps
too far.  I eased my way out of the window seat and towards the
bathroom.  I was sure that he would have to wake up to let me get back
to my seat.  I thought that this was a polite way to end the whole
fiasco without being rude and creating an uncomfortable situation.
After all, we did have about 9 “seatmate hours” left.

The ride from Amsterdam to Kili led me to think nostalgically of “seat
mates” on plane rides past.  I wouldn’t call this seatmate ideal, but
I decided it could have been worse.  He might have twitched
uncontrollably, openly picked his nose, or launched angry tirades
about who knows what.

Finally, the plane landed, and it was a relief.  My seatmate woke up
and gave me a shy and embarrassed smile.  He must have realized…  I
wanted to tell him it was o.k. - no harm done, but I didn’t.  We
exchanged friendly goodbyes, wished each other well and got off the
plane.

Once I cleared customs I began looking for my driver.  Suddenly,
without actually realizing what was happening, a huge smile spread
across my face as the familiar smell of burning trash in the warm air
filled my nostrils.  I was on African soil again.  Whether or not I
had an ideal “seatmate,” or whether one even exists, became
irrelevant.

Cardboard: not for the homeless anymore

i helped a client relocate to their new office space this week. the new workspace design is very cool and futuristic with an open feel and low cube walls. most people i spoke with loved the space, except for this guy:

me: hi there! (smile) welcome to your new office space. is there anything i can do to make your transition easier?
him: uuuuh, yea. i don't like my new cube.
me: oh, really? what don't you like about it?
him: the walls are too low.
me: yes, those are designed that way on purpose to encourage peer-to-peer collaboration and teamwork. (smile)
him: can i put cardboard on top of the walls to add another foot or two?
me: no (deadpan)

Office Annoyances and Jargon - Top 10

The top 10 lists are in, and here they are! 


LONDON (Reuters) - Grumpy colleagues, slow computers and office jargon are the things that annoy workers most, according to a survey on Wednesday.

Office Annoyances:

1. Grumpy or moody colleagues (37 percent)
2. Slow computers (36)
3. Small talk/gossip in the office (19)
4. The use of office jargon or management-speak (18)
5. People speaking loudly on the phone (18)
6. Too much health and safety in the work place (16)
7. Poor toilet etiquette (16)
8. People not turning up for meetings on time or at all (16)
9. People not tidying up after themselves in the kitchen (15)
10. Too cold/ cold air conditioning (15)

The most annoying jargon:

1. Thinking outside the box (21 percent)
2. Let's touch base (20)
3. Blue sky thinking (19)
4. Blamestorming (16) (sitting down and working out whose fault something is)
5. Drill down to a more granular level (15) (Look into something in more detail)
6. Let's not throw pies in the dark (15) (we need a plan rather than a haphazard approach)
7. I've got that on my radar (13)
8. Push the envelope (12)
9. Bring your A-game (11) (Be ready to do something to best of ability)
10. Get all your ducks in a row (11)