The Airport Olympics

It's easy to hate airport security. But consultants do so much flying we have to learn to live with it. Once giving the screener the silent treatment (or the finger) gets tiring, what else is one to do?

A few years back, well after 9/11 but before the transparent slowdown booths were installed, my project team and I hit on a great way to while away the lines: The Airport Olympics!

The first event was pretty simple: The TSA Race. We would start together at a central location in ticketing before pulling out all the stops to race to the gate. Whoever got there first was the winner, and we had so many trips scheduled that we could get all statistically significant about it.

Truly, it is possible to get through security in a hurry. Forget the premiere line, why not try the crew lane? Stereotyping is critically important when selecting a line so as to avoid the hillbillies. And a rote knowledge of obscure security lines really helps - Dulles? Denver? You know what I'm talking about!

Our next event was Outlet Spotting. Whoever found the closest unused outlet to the gate got the medal. And the juice! And it's kosher to bring along a splitter and momentarily interrupt someone else's charging reverie! My hint: Think like a janitor…

Elite upgrades are passé (and biased towards the senior consultants) so our Scavenger Hunt included harder-to-score items: Gate upgrades, club passes, and meal, hotel, and clothing vouchers! The ultimate items? Flight attendant phone numbers, of course!

There was basically no way to lose the Airport Olympics, and cheating was encouraged. If I could have Fletched my way through the ground crew door I would have, and it would have been awesome to Abignale an FA's room card! Funny enough, we never got caught doing this. The TSA never even subjected us to extra screening!

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/billypalooza/

The Next Time You're Asked for a Bio...

The following paragraph was included at the end of a bio I received last year from a fellow consultant (who, though hilariously brilliant and worthy of endless praise, shall remain nameless here).

"I was a brick layer, a small-town mayor, and accepted Oprah Winfrey as my personal savior.  I have lacked common sense, put my two cents in where it didn’t belong, and actually purchased the latest by 50 Cent.  I proved a theorem showing that the longest-named drink you can order at Starbucks is Double Tall, Nonfat, Half-Caf, Extra Hot Latte macchiato with Whipped Cream, Vanilla, Hazelnut, Almond, Raspberry, and Toffee Nut Syrup, Extra Foam, 2 packets of Sweet 'n' Low, 1 packet of Sugar, 1/2 pack of Equal, and Caramel Sauce.  In keeping with the growing popularity of NASCAR, I have driven… a car to work, a point home, a golf ball a country mile, my boss crazy, and a stake through the heart of my enemies.  I have never sent an email and then immediately run down to that person’s office and said, “Hey, did you get that email I just sent…”  I sat in traffic, bent over backwards, jumped for joy, and I can’t stand it any more.  Dude, I got a Dell.  Yes, I can hear you now.  No, I don’t want to Biggie Size it.  Alright already, I’ll just do it.  Through the magic of late night television, I made some deals, found cool spiked heels, and bought those knives from Ron Popeil.  While I cannot tell the difference between Diet Coke, Coke Zero and Diet Coke with Splenda, I have a developed a customized artificial neural network to discriminate between Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, and Brittany Murphy (who are otherwise indistinguishable).  I was inexplicably passed over for a nomination to the supreme court, but was offered a role in a Vegas revival of Diana Ross and the Supremes."

A New Low

I took a cab to the airport this morning, and when the cabbie knocked on my door, we recognized each other.

The random Radio Cab cabbie knows me.

I officially have no life.

Employee of the Month

Nature Calling

One often overlooked aspect of consulting is that we are guests in our client's offices. Working with a New York Investment Bank? Sweet office overlooking the harbor! High tech company in California? Latest office environment on a campus! Average low-margin business headquarters in Columbus, OH? Not so much...

This post is about the unspoken... the invisible... the unavoidable... the client's bathroom.

The best I've ever seen? Client in Rochester, NY - one of only 3 people of my gender on the floor. Might as well have been a private bathroom built for 20. Spotless. Odorless. Always well stocked. Almost nicer than my private office.

The worst? Oh no...
- why do the contractors from another planet need to wash their face, neck, arms, etc. and splash all over the counters? So nasty.
- I'm all for dental hygiene, but brushing your teeth in a place that smells like a zoo cage is just nasty
- there's no reason why you can't get it into the porcelain unit. The floor is for your feet. Practice at home.
- lighting is nice, although seeing might be worse than imagining
- noises. Need I say more?
- smells. Don't architects understand the need for ventilation? When you can smell it from the hallway, and start considering the trees out in back of the building, it's time for a fan people!!!

Some advice for my colleagues:
1) go before you leave the hotel
2) scout around. Look for the bathrooms closest to the executive offices. Carry a notebook and look like you're going to a meeting.
3) use those paper seat covers (if you can get them out of the dispenser). Those nasty germs will eat right through anything but titanium, but it will make you feel better
4) don't touch that newspaper on the floor. Get reading glasses if you must.
5) wash your hands. seriously.
6) hold it until you get back to the hotel

- your Consulting SME ... :-)