Working for a Narcissist (or What Have I Done?)

Not all bosses are great. Not all are good. Some are downright bad. This is a hard lesson I've been learning recently, having taken a job under an egomaniac narcissist that makes the guy in the White House look sane.

A few months ago, I accepted a new position with a smaller firm in my industry. Overall it's been a great move, since I'm able to do whatever I want all day long, which usually means making a big impact for my clients and getting lots of work done. I was already pretty well-known in my industry (thus the clever nom de guerre here) but now I'm able to really get my (real) name out there.

When I started at my new firm, I was thrilled to be given the leeway to take time to fly to conferences, present my work, and reap admiration far and wide. Hell, they even let me reschedule billable business and sales calls so I could fly to Vegas!

But then I noticed something off developing. The Big Boss started coming with me. And not just attending - he would stand at the side of the stage, then wrangle his way onto the panel, or jump into my conversations. This guy is nobody in my field, apart from a business manager, but here he was stepping in to introduce himself.

And not just give his name, either. "I'm this guy's big boss," he would say. "I took a big risk taking on a rock star like this, but I think you can see it paying off!" Nothing wrong, I suppose, but for the tone. Increasingly every conversation was about how smart he was and how well the firm was doing.

I started feeling like the ballplayer signed to a big contract to draw attention rather than to score points. And I guess I was.

It all came to a head recently on a trip to New York. The Big Boss emailed me, "pack your things for three days in the Big Apple!" Yeah that's how he talks. There was one hilarious element to the trip that I'll blog later, but this is about what happened when we landed.

So we cab it to Wall Street and go to the first Big Meeting. Big Boss introduces me as "my new guy, maybe you've heard of him" and we chat. But my alarm bells were ringing.

First issue: We're at Starbucks, not the 61st floor.

Second issue: We have no agenda, and this guy isn't a buyer.

Third issue: We don't discuss anything of importance.

Yeah, it's one of those meetings. Followed by six more that Tuesday. Followed by drinks (not steak) at the Bull and Bear with some old college roommate or something. Then another day of the same thing, but with less meetings. Then like two more coffees on Thursday before our flight home.

This wasn't a sales call. It wasn't even a business meeting. It was a metaphorical hand job for a narcissist showing off his new trophy.

Me.

When the Open Office is Closing In

Everyone has seen an "open plan office" setup. A bunch of my clients had them, especially Out West. I actually liked the look, minus the dogs and yoga balls, but I hadn't really worked in one until now.

Open plan offices suck.

In an open office, everyone can smell your food or be offended by your body odor. Everyone can see what your high school buddies post on Facebook and wonder if you're like that too. Everyone literally notices when you get up to get a snack or go to the can.

So no one gets anything done. I spend literally hours a day looking around to see who else is peeking over my shoulder. I got a convex mirror for my monitor as swag and actually taped it to my monitor. Logo and all. I know, right?

One of the guys in the office eats a lot of fish and chili. Sometimes he eats them together. I swear. Go to the "cafe" if you're going to do that! And then there's Ms. Vegan who always has to cast side-eye at the cheese on my sandwich or my god damn gummy bears. I guess I should go to the cage too.

And open plan offices are silent as the grave. No one is willing to take a call with another person sitting 24 inches from them out in the open. They'd gab all day if there was a felt and steel half-wall there, but they won't even say good-freaking-morning out in the open like that. Someone might spit at you or something!

Cubes suck too, but not as much as I thought. I guess I'll go to Panera to take this call. Who wants some bagged soup?

An Ode To The Madness That Is Teleconferencing

Thank you for calling WonderCall! Please enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

Look up meeting ID
Try to memorize stupidly-long meeting ID
4815
1623
42#

Invalid meeting ID. Please re-enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

Fuck! Re-check and re-momorize meeting ID

  Please enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

Give me a second!
4815162342#

Please enter the meeting passcode and then press the pound sign.

There's a passcode? Crap! What's that? Oh, there it is, in the body of the email!
1138#

Invalid passcode. Please try re-entering the passcode and then press the pound sign.

WTF? I know that's right!
1138#

Please enter your participant number and then press the pound sign. If you do not have a participant number, just press pound.

What the hell? I need a participant number?
Screw it!
#

This call requires a participant number. Please re-enter your participant number, followed by the pound sign.

Seriously? I need to connect on the computer, too?Hang up.
Boot up computer
Launch Calendar app
Locate and click on crazy-long URL
Crap! It doesn't work in Safari!
Launch Chrome
Cut and paste crazy-long URL
Install a custom application
Try the URL again
Finally! There's my participant number!

Thank you for calling WonderCall! Please enter your meeting ID and then press the pound sign.

I got it memorized now...
4815162342#

Please enter the meeting passcode and then press the pound sign.

What was that again? Oh yeah!
1138#

Please enter your participant number and then press the pound sign. If you do not have a participant number, just press pound.

42#

The meeting has not yet started or the organizer has not yet arrived. Please hang up and try again later.

Throw phone through wall.

Receive angry email from client asking why I skipped his call...

Totally Random Thought of the Day

The fenders on my 2009 Toyota Camry rental are filled with black painted Styrofoam to deaden the rattling and squeaking sounds that come from this piece of crap with tires.

The Coffeemaker at the Client Site Just Broke.

This is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen at a client site.

What's worse is that it's actually OUR coffeemaker.
The CONSULTANTS' coffeemaker.
It's a good one, too.
It's red with black trim, and looks like some consultant spent a great deal of money on it.
It even has a timer and a clock (though no one knows how to set it).
We keep it in our cubby area that otherwise looks like Dante's 8th Circle of Hell.

This might be the worst thing ever.

Deep Thoughts.

Procrastination is a Beautiful Thing.